United States – Letters to Myself and Other Invisibles

Run-ons, grammatical errors, and so many more irrational and incorrect sentence structures coming right up!!! This is my little strike against my negative comments on my book lately… lol..

Hello all my wonderful followers! I’ve been slacking a bit in the writing department. I’m sorry for that! I do have good reason as I will go through in a minute, but I want to share something with you first. I’m learning more than ever lately that communication is so much of an important key in any relationship, so deep that everyday I’m trying to advise others to remember it. I’m constantly pounding into friends, coworkers, and family members’ heads that communication is so important. This is something that is barely getting me by in one of my awesome relationships that I hold dear. It was around a month or so that there was hardly any communication and through no fault of either of us, we weren’t able to communicate and when we did… all we did was snap at each other from the frustrations and angers we held from everything we couldn’t say to begin with.

It hurts to know that everything you say seems to be taken wrong no matter what and everything your little heart thinks is a good idea and well thought out gets thrown back at you with no regard to your feelings. I’m surrounded by anger so much these days that I’m getting desperate for a Smudge Ceremony in my home. Hard to do without any of the necessary materials to do so. I’ve got so much negativity wrapped up in my house that I’m starting to shut down all emotional aspects of myself for fear of driving those I love away from me. Then when I try to share something with someone, I get my head bit off. The sad part is … it’s not just by one person. Then the best part is asking what’s wrong with them… the answer? Nothing is wrong with them… ever… so it seems.

Now when you are trying to be the all positive and ultimate great fantasy for all human beings that need a smile.. (not that type of fantasy.. lol)… it’s hard to just step back and realize that there’s nothing you can say or do to change some people’s frame of mind. This wouldn’t be so bad once again… if they didn’t take everything out on little o’l me. Not that I’m just a complete victim of assault here. No, no, no, no…. however I am a victim of caring too much and I get myself into so much trouble doing it. Obviously Christmas is coming right around the corner. We should all be in really awesome holiday spirits right? When you can’t please everything and everyone with your best thought or intention forward, it sucks and it hurts. *tear* All that’s wanted is basic happiness and appreciation… all that seems to be received is complete and utter disgust and miserable living from little dumb things that shouldn’t bother so much.

So inspiration is at its worst right now. I should be in a great mood since I got my book out there and have over 300 purchases.. but only 4 reviews… lol. Love them numbers! I have had the same comment over and over on my book so now I am going to take it to heart. I need to get it re-edited and proofread again. So I’m working on that at this moment, but as we all know us passionate people can’t just up and pick someone out of the woodwork. This is all a careful and heartfelt process. I have to pick someone I feel I connect with in some way and have some ‘resonating’ experience with. I have a lot of people who have signed up for the job and boy do I have my work cut out for me. I am hoping for a great outcome for the final product and then subject matter will be the only argument left for anyone to comment on.

I have learned something lately though. I was all worked up over misinterpretations of my book and how many people just didn’t see the book and feel the book as it should be seen and felt. What I wasn’t realizing was… they read it and it affected them so much that they actually had to take the energy to write something down about it. Whether positive or negative… no matter. I touched them in some way shape or form. Just like Murphy brown, “thanks for listening”. So what if people think I was an indecisive whore with no real boundaries and no sense of self. Wait … I was young and grew up in a tough circumstance. I had to do what I had to do to survive. I’m learning quickly things that I went through are almost unheard of in REAL life. People are so taken back at what happened to me. Then all kinds of comments come about like: “why do you even still talk to your mom?” and “how can you still love her after what she did to you?”. I have to sit back and remind myself that a mother only knows how to raise a child they way they were raised. When you are raised in a convent cause your parents die early and all your life, religion, self-respect, language, heritage, and family are ripped away from you and all you get is beatings from Nuns who claim to be doing it for God… I suppose it’s understandable when you do it with your own children. When you are bounced through several foster homes and beaten, raped, and molested to feel worthy of being alive…. I suppose it’s understandable when you don’t know what to do with your children or can’t handle the truth… so you call them liars. When you fall to drugs, alcohol, and sex at such a young age because no one cares about you (your Native American)… I suppose that might be a good reason to run from your heritage and mock at it for your children as they are growing up. I suppose all this could be a reason to live in bars and use a fly swatter to beat respect and sense into your children.

I won’t go into anymore details since they are in the book. I will however tell you… it’s hard to keep positive thoughts and energies about everything around you when all seems to be falling down. Arguments all the time… snapping from everyone … bills piling faster than we can pay them…. Things breaking left and right that we can’t afford to fix…. And here I am working with http://www.greensmoke.com/30837.html to help people stop smoking ( I love them) .. working with www.youravon.com/rmatlack for a little extra cash to pay for more stuff I can’t afford… working with http://scentzofjewelry.info and learning more and more about candles and jewelry daily while making some extra Christmas cash… All this to survive and hope everyday that something will come through and help us out. Something will see our efforts to do what’s right and help us keep our faith and believe that good things do come to those who wait.

Took us quite a minute to just sit back and let things go downhill without constantly focusing on the negative.. that will tear someone apart you know?

The reviews for my book are starting to come through. It’s good to know all that hard work is touching someone. Now if I can get my kids the best Christmas of this year (get it?) and get some nuisance people to either grow up and take responsibility or move on… We’d be golden. Did I mention there’s been a lot of arguments lately? I’m sure I did…

I’m looking forward to our family get together coming in the next few days. I’m hoping we can all just leave our worries and complaints at the door and just remember the holidays is for enjoying and appreciating family. I’ve already been told by a couple of people they don’t really care to be a part of these things. Well, I guess their loss but it hurts to say the least. I know I’m not everyone’s pride and joy and I know many people are either upset with me or embarrassed by me; however I’m hoping for the holidays this is all ignored and put aside and we can just sit back and relax and have our meals and deserts and good time laughs. It’s been a while since it hasn’t been about what someone said or did wrong. It’s been awhile since it hasn’t been about what family member did to what family member or who’s said what for whatever reason. We all have our feelings, comments, and infliction. We just need to learn the art of “cooth” to know what to do with them and when. . .