Sorry I Spaced Out

Posted: March 10, 2017 in Letters to Myself
Tags: , , , , ,

My nerves are shot from the amount of emotional distress I’ve had to carry recently. I have had to wipe the emotional slate clean several times in the last week or so. From things being said to things being done, far beyond explanation or comprehension of who it may be coming from over all. I don’t understand that God says he only gives you what you can handle. I must have the world’s strongest bullet proof vest on and he’s really trying to see how big of a bullet will actually go through it. I honestly reached a nightmare yesterday that I never thought I would see in real life. The words that came out of that mouth were intently said and thoroughly thought through. The intensity of hatred and disgust staring at a mother who’s just done what she felt of right to take care of her children broke me in half over and over again. There was no tensing of the body. There was no rage shooting out the eyes as swear words come flying out. There were only words of calculated hate and dishonor coming from a little soul whose world has been day by day torn apart.

“I feel like I’m on a deserted island and each one of my family members who actually care about me are one by one slowly drifting out to see to never come back.” This little voice stammered out. “I wish to build a boat to join my family members on their trip to wherever they are going and ask that they don’t leave me with these people who don’t really care about me as much as they say they do.” Tears continue to roll from his eyes. “Why can’t I find something to build a boat to get off this deserted island? Why can’t I keep my family members from drifting away to sea?”

This broke my heart in so many ways when he continued with so many words of complete negativity. These weren’t simple swear words you could wash out with soap. These were calculated and well thought out phrases that dug deep into your consciousness making you doubt everything about yourself. These were things you only see in horror movies and when you see the credits roll, you thank your life and family it was only a movie. These are things that the strongest minded person or parent will slowly be torn apart with as the words continue to creep under your skin and slide down your throat with such a foul lingering taste and odor that you gag at every breath you take.

I held off my tears and emotions about everything that was said and considered it venting in the normal fashion of a person just spouting hatred toward you. The eye contact was very intense. It was meant with every heart breaking word. It was doing its best to stab whatever part of heart that was left open from the sky-high wall that was built-in seconds from the speaking starting. I continued to shake from my head to my toes and did whatever emotional block I could muster up in the seconds noticed I had once it all started. What did I possibly do to deserve this? How do I wipe this clean? How do I move on from this? How do I continue without judgment or fail to show forgivable love to him? The comment leaves his mouth, “Sorry I spaced out for a while, I don’t know what was happening, I couldn’t stop it”.

What kind of sympathy is deserving of this so-called explanation and should I take this seriously? Already gone through several tests to show there is no diagnosis to explain the words, anger, disgust, hatred, and all other devilish negativity coming from this little soul. We have medication put in place for the menial reasons of childhood behavior uncontrolled, but nothing can solve or prevent or even cure what this is. The thoughts roll through my mind, “shut that mouth!” and yet nothing moves in my body to try to be the parent I thought I knew how to be. My insides are begging for some type of mental control over the hatred and anger now that encompasses my entire being. My legs and hands are shaking from anger. My mind circles around so many different thoughts of how to shut the voice up. No movement has taken place, but the ideas continue one by one. Do I give in and allow the electronics? Do I give in and allow the snacks? Do I give in and allow the temper tantrum to get it’s way just so the voice will stop speaking such mean intensity?

I pray for some type of real explanation and start running ideas through my mind as to why this is happening. I continue running scenarios through my head of what I possibly said or did so wrong that caused this whole thing to come about. I continue to question my ability to handle everything that is being said and done. I continue to convince myself that alcohol is not the answer even though the immediate medication for anxiety relief seems to not be touching the amount of issues I’m having internally. I’m so much better than this. I know this is just a test of measure. I know this is just making sure I can still keep my head focused and strong. I continue toward the belief it will all pass.

Its been at least three hours now and the screaming and kicking and extreme hatred continue. Now the words have brought in the lives of the fur babies that run around with nothing but innocence for love and compassion from the same mouth that spouts hatred. The tails wag and their cute little paws continue to play with the tiny hair that falls from the face. They continue to want to pounce and play with this little voice that only knows evil. This happened before and continued before, but never this long. All more mature people now begin to remove themselves from the area, whether by phone, cigarette, food, music, or even fake television just to keep their eyes and ears away from the verbal flaming knives that seem to have no problem piercing through whatever walls have been created to keep them out.

So many walls with holes in them, things have been thrown and destroyed, animals being shown aggression, family members being put down, and everyone is scraping their conscience looking so many places for ways to hang on to the little bit of sanity they believe is still there… even if it really isn’t. Help! Help! Please God help me continue to love and show me understanding of all this. Five hours in and all patience has worn thin and nothing seems to work anymore to keep the shouts and threats out of our ears. Doors have been locked, volumes have been turned up, games are being played over and over again begging for more lives to continue in this fake world of belief that we really care whether or not we pass the level. This little voice continues louder and louder and louder with all the kicking, punching, screeching, screaming, throwing soft and hard things, and now bits of hidden pacing from the door frame to the wall wondering if getting caught is actually a possibility.

I’m shaking so bad now that all of me has mentally given up and now I’ve decided I am not the awesome understanding and love mother I honestly thought I was.

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