We try so hard to reach our kids what’s right and what’s wrong and in the mix if these things we are so focused on, we tend to forget to allow them to eventually make their own decisions. We tend to forget to allow them to make their own mistakes. We almost forget what it was like to be a kid and how we had to screw up at various points in our lives to understand what to do and what not to do.
I’ve spent 30 some years trying to be the perfect person for my family to accept me and almost 20 preparing to be the best parent I could think of. I’ve tried to hide all bad and open all doors of great opportunity waiting for my children to walk through them with out hesitation. I’ve tried so hard not to drink or smoke or have any type of drugs that were not prescribed around them to keep them on the good side of life. I look at 15 years of counseling, medications, and pure mothering and see a wonderfully brought up big becoming a man who only used to see what was right in front of him. I look now and hear a man talking about plans and a future. I see personal, spiritual, and physical growth In areas I never thought possible through years of tears and pain and anguish.
It’s been a Rocky roller coaster wondering where I screwed up as a parent in so many days of our parental adventures. I ask myself how can it be that I am such a bad person when I stayed employed, got married before I had kids, stayed in school, stayed away from parties with alcohol and drugs, and refused to have any of it near my kids. I ask myself how I am still doubting myself as a parent of 4 beautiful children who are my love and light of every day?
I notice i am slipping up with certain things I was so strict on before. I am wondering is it because I got lazy or comfortable? Is it because i trust my parenting has had enough strength that my choices will not inflict the choice of bad behavior from my children? If the worst thing I have to worry about is a temper once in a while that may or may not destroy something important… doesn’t that forgive what could have happened in our lives with my children’s choices?
I sit back and watch our children one by one make their decisions in their own Merit of what is good or bad to them and all I can do is smile. All I can do is silently thank the creator for the chance to offer such a positive light to this world wether through my mistakes or struggles. I have slowly come to realize things i did in the past are meant to be and regardless of how I feel about them now, they are said and done.
One of my beautiful little spirits came to me with regret and worry of how they treated an elder due to their intoxication. Aparently there was attitude, slamming doors, ignoring, and complete disappointment with a silent understanding of a serious problem of letting the alcohol go. This little spirit of mine chose to acknowledge the fact this elder had a problem and walked away in despair of there’s nothing that can be done.
So many flashbacks came to me at this point. I remember when I was In those shoes and all I wanted was love and attention. Soberity was such a valuable gem when I was young, to win the lottery was a greater chance of material freedom. The parties were so often I could not sleep with out the screaming and hollering and music blaring. It almost brought a comfort to me that at least someone was there.
I remember one night I was younger than 7 years old and I was staring out a trailer window at night watching the street lights as rain drizzled down in front of my tear filled eyes. I had my full night gown waiting for this person they called out who was supposed to be of great respect to me, but as I remember I barely knew. I called our to the same person these people called out to and spoke the same words, ‘ you have been gone for 3 day’s ‘ … these words didn’t mean much to me at the time, but the adult in the house caught my comment and disciplined me for my disrespect of what I said. Then I remember some one saying , “was she drunk” and I kept thinking why was this “drunk” keeping me from my family? What did this mean and why could they say things and I couldn’t?
I don’t know if those street lights ever got more comforting or not or if the rain ever did finally comfort me, but I can tell you the disappointment a child gets by someone who drinks instead of spending valuable time with their kids is detrimental. I also remember another time that I was alone in a cold house in the living room and I couldn’t find anything to cover with being the middle of the night that I woke, I found a coat and curled up as tight as I could with my whole body shoved in as much as I could be have warmth and comfort. When morning came I was woke and rushed out quietly or ” they would get mad”. Again I don’t know what these things mean. They come flowing through my head every now again when I hear about children and alcohol.
I have done everything in my power and beyond to keep my children safe from all evil and it’s coming to the point of facing the music. How well did I do and will they continue to follow the right paths? Only time will tell. I pray to the creator that I may continue to gain strength to give my children the skills they need to help them flourish the gifts they have to share their wisdom with the world and continue to be humble in all the good they do receive.