Ever wanted to scream??? Just scream like no other? Just make the whole world know how loud you can scream? No real reason. Not because you want to cry. Not because you want to die. Not because you don’t know what to do anymore. Not because nothing makes sense to you anymore. Not because you can’t breath or walk straight anymore. Not because you feel completely invisible to everyone and everything. Not because those who you call or consider family seem to be too busy to really know what’s going on. Not because you feel stupid and don’t know why. Not because you feel worthless over all. You want to scream so loud that your voice leaves and you have no reason to speak since the silence will say everything. You want to scream so that tears are hidden when they come sneaking out of your eye sockets telling your skin it’s ok to add some moisture. The constant natural ability to breath becomes more and more of a challenge no matter which direction you look at it. Not understanding the so called “pain” and “confusion” going on inside.
Everything seems to be ok. Bills are being paid little or not. Children are being taken care of. Sleep is being kept little or not.
Still feel the need to pull at my face and grab all the negativity that is succuubing me and everything I stand for and pull it out. Take it away. Make all the stomach pain that creeps into my life every moment that frustration exists… fall away. I’m just completely over today. I’m over yesterday. I’m over tomorrow. Why is that? Why do I feel that need to scream? Why do I feel the need to just scrape my nails over every inch of body which seems to be screaming for pain? Why do I feel the need to kick that brick wall until the snap of my bone is felt all the way up my leg? Why do I feel that internal need to just hold my breath and never let go? What’s up with this? There’s no explanation to this craziness I’m feeling. I take meds for pain. I take meds for regularity. I take meds to feel emotional stable since my empathic abilities take over my life in so many ways.
So hard not to give up. So hard not to let everything soak up inside you and bring you down. The act of wringing out a washcloth seems so simple until you are working internally and you can’t seem to wring anything out even partially. So confused where all of this is coming from.
Concentration. Agitation. Irritation. Aggravation. Condensation. From my eyes. From my ears. From my nose. Down to the tips of my toes. Shaking in the moment. Freaking out wondering who hates me and why. So many things around me I hate right now. So many pieces of me paranoid of the craziness I am soaking up. Why the uncertainty in all that I do today?