I want to go back

Ever feel like you are such a detriment to your child that their very existence only counts if you are not in their life or any part of it? Yeah me neither until recently. I’ve a long week of realization that has slowly woke me up in many ways. I can honestly say I wish I could disappear. I wish I could walk away and not be the reason someone so close to me and my heart fails or becomes someone less than they are. I wish more of the statements made sense when someone says ” I don’t know what you do to him, but she’s right. He only does this around you. He’s a completely different person around you!”

I wish the tears in my eyes were from the happiness in my heart from the awesome time I’ve had with my wife and children on my days off. I wish they internally described all the joy I felt from the naming ceremony we got to participate in. I wish they held the pride for the work on the yard that our whole family has been doing. I wish they sang the praise I felt when one of my adopted children played the guitar and sang so beautifully so many times. I wish all this was what my tears were about. 

Though I have felt and seen and experienced these things this past week, this is not what my tears tonight carry. My tears carry the sadness I feel for my children that I can not be a better person for them. My tears flow for the time I’ve taken to carefully teach each and every one of them how to live positive and make positive choices. I wish they screamed the importance of not changing yourself for anyone ever no matter who they are or what you think they do for you. I have a proud group of children. I have a very strong mature boy becoming a man who has a great sense of humor and lots of respect for women. I have a older young man who’s learning what it is to be an adult and trying to figure out which one of his many talents will help him out the best. I have a young gender fluid child who doesn’t believe boys and girls should be any different in dress, job, or attitude. He’s super smart and overcompensares for his tiny size on a daily basis to show the world small means nothing. Then I have a transgender boy who’s trying so hard to understand himself and the world around him becoming the man he always knew he could. He’s a great singer, an awesome artist and truly feels you fall in love with a person’s soul no matter who they are.

These children carry my world in all their good and bad colors. They are my reason for waking up everyday with another reason to smile. These children are why I fight so hard to be a responsible open minded loving mother who will go through fire for her family. These children are who I am. 

So to hear are several occasions that you are ruining their life or you are the reason they are mean, ignorant, lost, or not being themselves… takes every breath I have to not scream in horror and walk away for good. So many parts of me want to just get in my car and drive with no direction until my gas runs out. There is not purpose with out them so if I’m the reason they are failing, I need to be out of the picture. 

This kills me on several levels mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I run out of ways to impress myself enough to continue driving forward. 

At this point I just want to leave and watch from a far remembering the cute laughs and baby crawls. I just want to go back to watching dragontails and singing along believing in the silly antics of your light shining when you’ve done something right. We used to sit and play for hours and I sang all the time at bed time or in the car. I want to go back to when I didn’t ruin your life.

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