So many people come and go through our lives and someway shape or form makes themselves evident in our way of being. Some do it in a positive way and others in a negative way. There are always those certain people who secretly and quietly have crossed your path and left little hints of care or notes of positive reinforcement. It’s one thing to hear several people outside of your circle talk about these people and who they have been to them and how they touched them and it’s another to read about these people online in various texts with things they have said or done. When there’s a direct family member standing in front of you holding back the tears with all that’s happened and allowing you privileged information so deep and secret that it crawls inside your heart and starts ripping it apart with helplessness and fear, that’s one hell of a wake-up call to your life.
It’s so true when they say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The confidence friends and companions share bring many emotions when life events happen so extreme people hundreds of miles away are keeping daily tabs are the severity of it. My heart crumbles in fear and rebuilds with hope every day with glimpses of what my friend and role model will be going through. Then mental pain I have to hold back to stay focused makes me have to really focus on my breathing to keep it steady and calm. My voice needs to remain as normal as possible to give no idea of the stomach pain I’ve caused myself from all the worry I carry.
It’s good to hear some positive news and know a friend is in good hands. It’s good to know the prayers to Gichi-Manidoo are carried with purity and love from all the words are spoken from. I almost feel like I have felt these desperate emotions before. I almost feel like a couple of years ago, the same pain crept up my spine with no warning. I almost remember the same “sick to my stomach” feeling when every day I was checking for more sign that everything would be ok. You never get good at handling these types of emotions. You never have enough mental notice to prepare yourself to be strong enough to help your friend or loved one go through the pain, despair, and suffering they feel alone with. You almost feel responsible to be “good enough” to make all the darkness go away from their lives as they sit helpless from movement or thought.
The courage that comes from something like this happening will make you do some pretty crazy things beyond your usual reactions or abilities. You will lift things you didn’t know you could for time period you never knew existed. You will drive in conditions your mind is telling you are too dangerous, but your heart is telling you it doesn’t matter. You will live through whatever thirst or hunger that you have to do drive yourself that much longer to stay coherent that much better so that you will be enough for whatever your friend or loved one needs.
I find myself today in a loss of words for the emptiness that crosses my heart and mind as the wrong person sits in the spot where someone I care dearly for no longer resides. I find myself silently crying waiting for another conversation about Doritos and important they are to get through the day followed by a chuckle. I find myself wanting to keep the coffee on just in case another cup is needed to get through the night together. I find myself missing the conversations about the day’s events and what should have happened or how the children were in the plays that may only life an hour in time will but be remembered and treasured for a lifetime. I find myself checking the daily agenda like it’s going to change to once again be a part of such a loving soul.
I’m sure I will make it through just like everyone else. I’m sure in time it will all seem normal to just not be around. I fear the coffee may not seem as wanted and the chips may not seem as needed. I fear that place that has been taken will continue to feel like a violation of space that was unfairly taken with no regard. I hate the idea of someone just “forgotten” that doesn’t deserve to be. One breath at a time I will continue to think tomorrow will be better. I know everything happens for a reason but what could this one possibly be?