Talk about a kick in the teeth. Talk about a slap to the face. Ever feel as if everything you have done to show your side of the story didn’t have any purpose? You get so many compliments of your work and service from many shadowed but happy faces, then the single person who shouldn’t matter but does lets you know you have been picked apart limb by limb and piece by piece. It’s almost as if reaching for a conclusion of dark paradise that doesn’t exist. It’s astounding to hear the things that I heard. The little bit of accomplishments to go unnoticed thrown into a dark damp cell with all the creepy crawlers imaginable. It hard to look into someone’s eyes who seems to have so much anger and hatred and self loathing and plain negativity whether or over weight, confidence, history, experience, life story, etc. The tears bury themselves behind my eyelids tight as can be. The minor things that have happened apparently to the effect of a ding on the record. Things you wouldn’t think mattered to the extent they did. Words from people that are seen eye to eye on a daily basis whether by company or chance. The pain seeps dark wondering how much these words and writings should matter. The anxiety creeps up slowly with deep breaths trying to keep a steady pace.
I’m tearing myself apart inside over things that I can’t believe I’ve heard. I’m checking over and over again what was said as a heed of warning instead of boost of confidence or improvement. I feel as if they had to dig real deep to find something worthy of keeping on record to bring the little cute pedestal down. The things I could say in return I tried and just got blocked. Denial, despair, confusion, and so many kinds of irritation existed for more than a few moments for all parties entered into the ring of so called “paradise”.
Numbers are everything in our world. Number on our phone, numbers on our wall, numbers on our computer, number on our clothing, and numbers in our notebooks. Our whole world revolves around numbers. Our confidence revolves around numbers. Our likes and dislikes revolve around numbers. Our appetite consists of numbers as well as our weight. Our whole life is numbers which we bleed from the eyes staring at trying to figure out in every direction we can. It’s hard not to make your whole day go to shit over some damn number that doesn’t make sense. Everything should make sense right? When you get that electric bill, you should understand it right? When you get that water bill, you should understand it right? When you get your paycheck it should all make sense. When you stand on the scale everything from the holiday all of a sudden matters right? What about that trig paper you had to do explaining things to people in our mathematical world whom may never really do more than answer a phone and click a button in their life?
Numbers make us happy. Numbers piss us off. Numbers cause extreme stress. Numbers are what our whole life of expression balances around. We pay attention to time, years together, doses taken, channels watched, miles driven, megabytes used, and so many numbers in our world. How do we know which ones are the most important? How are we supposed to stay away from stress and self hatred when it’s engraved so deep in our brains that our own accomplishments and self worth is based on numbers which we don’t even have a choice in deciding? We don’t get to attach our own belief system to these numbers. We have to go by laws and rules and people beliefs of us and so many other things that we literally wake up to find in our cell phones and mail boxes.
I find myself sitting here wondering what my purpose of continuing going above and beyond to make people smile when that awesome slap in the face and sad words of expression which stabbed me real deep continue to twist my emotions so extreme my vision continues to become blurry. I keep hearing those words over and over again and find myself clenching my fist with so many responses running through my head. The kind of review I would love to give to people around me in so many circumstances would probably get me kicked out. Not from cursing or indecency. The honesty would blow people away with my knowledge and experience. What I’ve seen and haven’t reacted with or to.
With a loving conversation with my better half I’ve decided to leave this blog right here. Have a great night and enjoy your numbers!!!