Would be or Could be .. Sporadic Thoughts That Run Through me

Posted: January 22, 2017 in Letters to Myself, Viewer Discretion Advised
Tags: , , , ,

The energies are screaming through me even medicated, I silently wait for the mental breakdown. My heart is racing and my head is pounding. Doubts run through me like a river runs wild. I’m shaking and trembling; almost out of control; I can hardly breathe with all that I witness and hardly think with all that I fear. I have trouble thinking with all the negativity running through my veins. Clarity doesn’t seem to come fast enough with all the prescriptions they have given me to control that of which comes naturally. My head is foggy from all that thoughts that more than likely should not be there. My heart pounding so hard it’s hard to focus on just one thing that doesn’t concern outside of this clock; almost my Friday where I can once again have her in my arms.

Together we seem to stay strong with all that we do or whatever comes across our path. I have to keep in mind, “we are in this together”. It’s hard to keep repeating this to myself when so many parts of me scream so many other things. I don’t even know whose emotions or thoughts I have running so rapidly through me right now. It’s so confusing to walk into any room and not exactly pinpoint whether or not I have a real reason to mistrust, doubt, or just be upset. I watch those around me who are having trouble and catch myself grasping at thoughts of positivity wherever I can find it. My pain in my abdomen stabs more and more these days forcing the harsh medication to enter my body. I don’t want to drop to the floor in pain and agony filling my clothes with the tears that are capable, so I have to continue to poison my liver one pill at a time. The alcoholism that exists in my family line, I have been able to skip over. Pointless it seems to me since I have the same result coming from all the medication I have to take just to get through life on a daily basis when the pain hits.

We are here on this planet to serve as God sees fit regardless of what the reason may be. I believe he has a plan for us and everything happens for a reason. Yes, we now own a house and have what we can call our own that we have worked on for 5 years. We are proud of this and all that comes with it. My wife likes to say we were born to go through challenges and trials and this is no different. I swear we’ve been drug through the mental mud so much I might as well consider myself dark skinned. Thick skinned at the least due to the walls that have to be put up.

I’m having issues knowing once again I have another 10 years to go through guessing what’s going on with our child. I don’t know if the spirits speak with him as the energies speak with me or if his little man imagination has gotten away with him. I tear myself apart in tears of panic when he so terrible with words and temper and extreme violence. I drop to my knees in strong hopes with sympathy will grace my path acknowledging the wrong he is doing on his own and slowly but surely bring himself down from all the mental screaming he is causing.

On a separate note: I drove to work this morning (morning for me) and as I was about a mile from my would be work, I noticed a great crowd of people informing the public in a “peaceful” manner that they are against abortion. I completely understand the meaning behind this and fight it contains. I know what the medical studies say and what the extremists say. My issue at this point is one particular sign. It said, “Abortion kills children”. Ok, so here is my point. That’s not all that kills children. You parade so proudly and strongly about abortion killing children whom most were not born due to the pure laziness of being a parent, some personal drug abuse issue that has destroyed any hope of life (per the parents), or the woman was raped. I know what it’s like to go through that mentality. My issue is there are so many more things that kill children who are already here living and breathing. They are already in your nearby schools and neighbors houses. They already have a status of “poor” or “stupid” due to the lack of parent awareness or care. There’s drugs that kill children, alcohol that kills children, ignorance that kills children, obesity that kills children, lack of education that kills children; I don’t see people parading around with their big bad signs for these children. I don’t see people opening their doors for these hungry children who need to eat and be clothed without getting “paid”. Who’s holding the signs for the children who have special needs and are terrified to go to school due to the ridicule and judgment that causes them to consider suicide as a viable option? Who’s holding the signs protesting all the schools who refuse to feed a hungry child because it’s not in the budget? I am really hurt and upset by the fact that we are so focused on protested the medical prognosis of diagnosing a child or fetus who does not deserve to live or be born in a world where there are starving children already here. There are so many children already here who “nobody wants” because they have some type of problem that makes them a challenge to raise or take care of.

Not everyone has the ability to choose when they want to take care of their bloodline who came with a lifetime of medical problems as well that will sooner or later not only drive their family apart due to financial stress down the road, but also cause emotional walls to build up due to being pushed aside and not good enough as all other children. I would never make that choice to send my kid away or give on my kid. I would never neglect my child no matter how much they pushed my limits whether knowingly or unknowingly. It really upsets me all the judgment that follows a child into school or elsewhere immediately determining a factor that made that child who they are. Where’s the protest on these things? What about the family disputes that come about so strong it causes relationships with children to fade due to pride and ignorance of what really happened.

Why do we punish the children whom we raise to understand the same factors that lie in our own faults of motions we set forward? Don’t burn bridges. Don’t hold grudges. Always love. Always be accepting. It’s not right to judge. A family is a family no matter what. We teach our children these things but seem to only be good enough teachings until we ourselves are expected to follow them. The whole do as I say not as I do. I never understood that as a child, but I will tell you as I get older I am understanding more and more what was preached to me and why. We want to paint a good picture of life and what it means and contains for our children as they grown up, but for some reason the picture fades and begins to have smears as years pour more and more reality into that pretty little picture that you have so carefully and gracefully painted for your innocent little souls. I’ve kept drugs, alcohol, violence, and so many other things from my children and you know what I got out of it? I have family who rarely keeps in contact and friends who do nothing but sit around and judge and chat about everything that’s so wrong with my children and the way I raise them.

It’s embarrassing when my children come home to tell me that they witness kids get picked on or someone had drugs and nothing was done or believed by whatever adult was in said circumstance. I don’t know how to take a stand for everyone else, but for my family, I have and will always take a stand on what I feel is right and just. It’s not easy taking this painful road, but I’d rather be truthful to myself and my family than make up some fake picture that would be or could be if only…

Advertisements

Comments are closed.