Television – Letters to Myself and Other Invisibles

I’m on camera on the clock, having a conversation shouldn’t seem like a big deal… Ignore the circumstance and shut down… That’s what my head says… heart screams so much different… wish I could have about a pack of cigarettes at this point… just to calm the tears.. to stop the hatred… to make it all go away in a light-headed flicker of memory that doesn’t have to exist… not sure how to feel.. Not sure what to think… her anger floods the room … judgment not fulfilled in an aspect of glaring eyes… wishing I knew what the future would bring… if I went ahead with my awesome decision … with that little bit of me that screams … Grow up!!! How do you solve something that seems to have no answer? How do you talk about something that no one has patience to talk about?

I have so much to say and so much hope the remains for one the most important people in my life and I can’t even mumble a word, for fear of an argument that doesn’t need to be… I wish on so many levels that my love and commitment for this one individual would make sense to others as much as it does to me… my heart aches at the sound or thought of the next disappointment. My hands lay steady for the next assignment that is so gratefully needed to assist him down that path.

I can’t breathe slow enough to calm the anxiety that is created every time the forbidden subject lays dormant waiting for another possibility. Shaking at the next moment a word is said that causes fire in her eyes. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew the answer this time.

They all say the same thing, “quit being an enabler”. How do you deal with that? How do you look yourself in the mirror and think or say, “Quit caring like you do”. What do you do when all options have taken their play? I know life sucks for many people and he happens to be one of them. I was raised different I suppose. I was raised with the positive notions and aspects. I was raised with the morals of good behavior goes a long way. I was taught to believe that everything happens for a reason. I was shown on so many levels that good things happen to those who wait.

Am I pushing too hard? Am I fighting an unwilling battle? What is he waiting for? Why is he doing this to himself? Doesn’t he realize he’s not only doing it to himself, he’s also doing it to the rest of us? I can’t afford to go on like this. I can’t afford to even listen to one more excuse. My family depends on so many things that should be second nature by now. Why does it seem so hard to try? Why is it so hard to find a meaning in life greater than your own selfishness, when you have kids around you that count on your actions, words, feelings, and love?

Am I asking too much anymore? I know it’s hard to lose weight. I know it’s hard to care when you can’t find someone to care with you. I know it’s hard when your child seems to hate you no matter what you say or do. I know it’s hard to want more than just to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.

I’ve tried on so many levels to help him make sense of this. I can’t talk to the one person I care about more than I have ever cared for anyone standing by my side. I can’t sit down with a plan of action that will actually take place. I’m not that smart. I’m not that great. I’m not a miracle worker. That’s not my place or my job. Everything happens for a reason… what’s the reason for this? I’m lost for words. I’m lost for emotions other than tears I fight every day. I’m lost period.

Facts relay so much information that we don’t want to hear. My facts pile up every day with more reasons to not care. More and more situations pop up that make it even more complicated to sit down and figure out another way. How am I supposed to do this… once again?

I sit here wishing once again I could curl up in a corner on whatever anticipation that falls below me and just disappear from it all. I have headaches and stomach aches beginning to take control… once again as I fight the tears that want to fall. Alcoholics almost seem to have a gift that allows them to take all the pain away. Yes, I know it’s wrong! Sometimes I sit back wishing I could have gotten that gift… gotten that ability to bury all my sorrows in some worthless overpriced drink that’s going to cause another head ache in the morning. Would it make sense then? Would it matter then? Am I really better than that? Am I worse than that?

Why does it seem like the “good guys” always fall short of Happy Endings? I was bad when I was younger… haven’t I paid my dues? Is this my torture for being a helpful person? Should I be taking any of this so seriously? My emotions are clouded once again. I control my breathing for fear of being caught in anything but happiness. I try not the fidget with the clicker on my pen for fear of being caught in a thought process other than the job I’m being paid for. I wish I knew how to shield all that’s been said and done.

I hope and wish and pray and think and wonder what did I do wrong?