sexuality – Page 10 – Letters to Myself and Other Invisibles

OK … so after lots of thought gathering while my brain rested in what they call a good night’s rest these days. I begin my thoughts rolling and wondering about today’s work day is going to bring as well as my latest communication with females that have my mind back in places it hasn’t been in some time. There seems to be so much to try to impress for in places and areas that impress themselves. Then you close your eyes and take a deep breath and really let yourself just “go”. When you open your eyes all you can honestly think about is what she’s going to say next that’s going to send your curiosities sky rocketing. Do you write about it? Do you think about it? Do you just chill and let things happen regardless of exploratory indentations that seem find their way to the top of the creative to do list.

I know after I get myself all gussied up for a job where gambling is at it’s best, not knowing what the next phone call is going to bring you or the next person at counter is going to say… that in the end the paycheck is what counts at the end of the week and seeing my kids is what counts at the end of the day. Granted the little hotties that come through my place of work is a pleasure to the eyes and a bit of confidence boost when you catch them staring here and there with a glance of a smile. I’m not sure what to think most of the time since spotting someone “gay” to appreciate the glance is like picking a lucky duck at a carnival for the really big prize at the top. You can study and look and think you know, but in the end it all seems to be set up for the right people to get their own profits in the end and well.. you walk away with the wonder if you could have ever actually gotten that large prize or if you are stuck with that unlucky duck that gave you a key chain.

A little confusing at it’s best, but I assure you I did have a point there. Now what do you do when all your previous thoughts of “toys” are starting bite you in the butt, because your own release is on hold from no actually connection. Yes I caught when what’s her name glance at me from around the corner, I caught the other what’s her name keenly smile when I passed her in the hallway, but in the end.. well that lucky duck thing just isn’t working for me.

Now online is a whole new story. I’m good at being online for some reason. I good at putting up profiles and connecting with people from who knows where. Then the problem remains how do you know? Who she is? Where she’s from? Why she’s really looking? Well honestly you don’t, but I have this knack for being able to feel out a situation through energies and wording. So am I perfect at picking the right duck online? No not even close and believe me.. “first you don’t succeed, try try again”. However I am persistent and passionate in everything I do to say the least. I hope this rains new light on my exploratory side for a good connection in a positive way.

I’m so done with trying to please everyone else with what they want for me or what they think I should be. I have finally come to peace with my “life” and whatever path or style that it may take on, but one thing is for sure.. I love my women and have since I was 7 years old. I love everything about them from their energies, personalities, smile, scent, movements, and straight down to their individual tastes.

I’m not hiding it anymore and if that takes fifty more profiles and several hundred more smiles or glances from what’s her name’s… well then that’s what it takes. Cause in the end it’s my happiness that matters.. not her’s, his, or whomever feels the frog sense to jump in.

Now I have been thinking real hard about coming back to writing my poetry and working on an actual book, but sort of base it on different ideas or fantasies I’ve carried out in my life. Is that me screaming out details in my life that no one needs to know.. hell no.. that’s me carrying out my visions through writing as I always have. Just a little more in story format with some dialogue in the mean time. Frankly I’ve never been good at dialogue.. it never turns out right and never seems to be realistic enough to bring my audience in emotionally. So I guess we will just have to see about that.

In the mean time all my meaningful phrases of admiration and little thought processes of cuteness.. will continue to wonder around in my head or simple put in a blog. Oh and I totally tripped when I saw a coworker get a thing of flowers from someone.. I didn’t even think those things existed anymore. Only to find out it was from some dude that wasn’t even supposed to get them for her… lol figures.. well it was sweet in my head for the moment..

You know I think in all the hectic points of life, we seem to forget it’s the small things that count… the things most people just walk on by or just consider “dejavu”. . I think I forget that sometimes too… my bad..