I have to say it’s been real hard to write these days since I have a lot going on. I’m trying to buy a home with my partner and soon to be wife. Yes, you caught that right… my dream has come true! I get to finally marry the woman of my dreams. The one in the book is real and who I’ve been with going on five years. We have decided to get married near our five year anniversary of sharing each other’s lives. It’s a scary moment for both of us. Neither of us have ever gotten this far with a relationship and no one we were ever with ever deserved our hearts and souls enough to sit down and actually plan out and invite our family and friends as we have. Sure I’ve been married two times before this, but honestly with the circumstances that were involved in both of those; I’m convinced they were real marriages. I’ve learned it takes more than a piece of paper to actually marry someone. I really thought I was doing the right thing when I got married both times. I was raised that when I marry a man, I would be doing what I was supposed to do. I would be keeping my family happy and I was supposed to be happy because that’s the way things were supposed to be.
So when these unfortunate events happened that carried through to divorces, I was relieved to have the chance to finally be who I was struggling to be and wanted to be for so long… myself! I was hiding behind doors being with women. I was hiding my affection because it was wrong and I was evil for what I felt was right. I must not have been the only one in this circumstance who felt like this since I found other women who reacted to my affection or offered their own, but it was all to be hush hush and in the dark. When daylight hit “nothing was real” for them. When I met this wonderful woman of my dreams, we were both with someone else and very “happy” to be… or so we thought. Both of us struggled to be with these people so hard we tore ourselves apart in so many ways driving us to different types of drugs and alcohol to cope with being with the person we were “meant to be with”. We ran to each other on several occasions as emotional support and friendship on subjects we didn’t understand with our relationships. We never pressed it farther than that until both of our other halves offered us to due to the current relationships breaking down or not being complete anymore. Otherwise, we listened to each other’s tears, anger, happiness, excitement, frustration, confusion, and so many other emotions over the phone and in person and became the comfort both of us felt we needed.
When time passed (about 5 years of friendship), both of our relationships finally broke down between lies, cheating, stealing, infidelity, and so many other things that unfortunately break down relationships. Again we were both there for each other during these hard times and offered our friendship to each other even stronger. We both knew now we’d need each other more than any time. After about four months of support and continued friendship, we decided we’d see if we were able to take our friendship a step further. We both felt we both had what each other needed. So with a four day trip to Florida, we both just completely let go and just had fun enjoying each other’s company anyway we could. This was the most “ourselves” we both had been in many years and we both truly enjoyed more than we ever thought we could. With a connection so strong we wanted to make promises to each other to continue to a relationship, but we both knew better and just left it at: What’s meant to be will be. After the best four days of our lives, the separation back to our own lives and states both killed us and made us that much stronger. The tears we shed drove us to an even deeper connection of how much we actually meant to each other.
What most people don’t know about our connection, but I will leak a small bit of information about, we both got identical tattoos the day we decided to give our relationship a try. Both of our energies connected so strong when we were getting our tattoos, we felt each other’s pain of the tattoo and the healing they both went through. How many people can say that? It’s real and gets even more real as time goes by. We not only finish each other’s thoughts, sentences, hopes, dreams, and lives… we also continue to “wipe the slate clean” every day of any negativity that may occur between us to try to make each other smile once again regardless of the words that were said or the actions that took place. This among many other reasons is why we’ve decided to get married this coming July in front of a waterfall.
“Water is the symbol of unconscious energy, the formless powers of the soul of hidden and unrecognized motivation. Water, symbol of what is unconscious of itself, holds the contents of the soul which the fisherman tries to bring to the surface and which should be his food. The fish is a creature of the psyche.” Aeppli, Ernest, Les Reves et Leur Interpretation, Paris, 1951
Waterfalls – Dreaming of a waterfall is a great dream symbol. It means cleansing and a new beginning. You might be getting a fresh start on life.
One Native American myth that has captured my attention is the supernatural symbolic idea concerning the mystical nature of waterfalls. It is the belief that as water travels along its water-bed it is attached to the natural world. It also believe that when the water falls from its heights into a gathering pool below, it creates a liquid veil separating the two worlds, beyond that veil is a world existing only within the supernatural.
There are strange possibilities beyond the veil, that there might even exist a greater part of ourselves that is divinely guiding us even though we might not be aware of it due to our attachment to earthly living. I believe it’s more difficult for most of us to peer into that veil, than it is for the supernatural to occasionally push its nose out through the veil to remind us we’re more connected to the supernatural than we think.
So as you can see there was quite a bit of thought and spirituality put into this by my partner and I and just about every way you look at it… it’s a spiritual movement due to all the history and beliefs behind it. I know we are both excited and connected to each other as well as the beauty of getting married or joining our lives and spirits by the greatness and intensity of something as ever-changing as a waterfall. To marry my best friend, lover, partner, confidant, and over all soul mate will be one of the single most important and exciting days of my life! I will do everything I can to make sure every person whether friend or family who we’ve invited attends with greats love, support, and purpose due to the fact it’s “our day” and we will be doing a Native American ceremony. During this ceremony any bad energies around the pipe carrier can and will be carried into the marriage itself. So with this in mind when we invite people, we do understand if we have family and friends who are not willing to support us on this wonderful journey we have decided to partake on together. We are also understanding if they just aren’t able to due to prior obligations they have already made reservations on, but when an email like this shows up from family … It’s really hard to swallow..
Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the book being referred to is, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet”.
You are right, it would be pretty sad if the reason for us not coming to your ceremony would be not having time to come. I will cover more on that later. I want to congratulate you for being open in your book and the boldness of this email. Most people would not allow themselves to be vulnerable. The book showed both Scarlet and I how screwed up your life has been and how much you have been asking for help inside. Scarlet will be writing a separate response and sending it later this week. I don’t want to give you the idea; at all, that screwed up is bad or condescending in any way. We are all there, but it takes a person of sensitivity to the world of spirit to admit it. We all need help and are screwed up. This is where Christ inside of us, comes in. Going by your comments in the email about me being responsible for your life with Maria and Clair and I am going to assume your abusive marriages are included in that? I am assuming by yours comments; you would have wanted a different life? My question is, how would you have wanted yourself to be different than you are now if you had a different life? How you of would have wanted your attitudes to be different? How would you want to see the world different? How would you have wanted to see yourself different than you are now? Now, the reason I suggest you ask yourself these questions is because I used to ask these of myself. I wanted to be different than I am and I blamed the reason I wasn’t different was caused by what I had gone through in life. That is before I understood the Lord has allowed everything in my life to happen to get me closer to him. If you are mad at anyone in your life, I would suggest you aim that anger at the Lord since he controls the world. I discuss everything with the Lord/Christ inside of me. I suggest you might do the same. It is OK to mad at Him like you expressed yourself in this email. He will just love and embrace you for being real. My life really started to open up my understanding when the circumstances made me so mad I made a fist in the air and yelled at him for what I was going through. The immediate thought in my mind was “finally”, like He was saying it took long enough for me bring out your anger. I was completely relieved the world had not blown up because I was mad at God. Up to this point, I thought I would get hit for being mad like I was, all the time, when I was a child. After that release, I became less afraid to just discuss who I was at the moment; angry, jealous, envious, sad, etc. With this freedom to confess what I felt, came the forgiveness of myself and receiving his love for me. Far beyond anything I could imagine. I also accepted I had to go through everything to learn about life and to trust in Him. And I like the person I am today because of all of what I went through and know. He loves me and is taking care of me daily. Now some people call the Lord the Universe and the Universe is responsible for everything. That is OK too because he made it, so that is fine. He does not care what he is called. His feelings will never be hurt. He is all loving and giving. He needs nothing from us, but wants to give His everything to us; peace, love, joy, etc. So, please be mad and all the rest but let Him know because he can help and give you the other side of the feelings. Anyway, to give you a little history and why I said I used to ask all the questions above about wanting my life to have been different. I used to believe I had a pretty hard life growing up. Nothing compared to yours, but some similarities. When I was very young my mother and her boyfriend sexually abused me. My dad always worked and, as far as I know, he knew nothing about it. When I was young, I could not quit peeing my pants and my mom would spank me probably once a week for that. Also, when I was out playing and I needed to go, I would hold it too long, because I want to play, and wet my pants and get spanked for that. When I was young I was a very angry boy, I think because of a lot of this treatment. For example, I would throw board pieces when we were playing games and other things across the room. My punishment was to spend 3-5 hrs. in a closet without light. I think I spent a lot of days there. By the age of 17, I had had enough and decided to end my life. That day the Lord sent Jim into my life.
Fast forwarding a few years, I again had decided to end it and the Lord sent Maria into my life because I thought a woman had the softness and care I needed. This was a step in my life I had no idea I needed to go through. It was a very arrogant move on believing I could rescue someone that was an alcoholic. Needless to say, it did not work. All I was trying to get her to follow was new rules I believed would save her from her life of alcoholism. We were separated many times in 5 years before we divorced. I do believe everything we go through has value. We just might not know the value till decades later. It has been quite a 60 yr. journey—and continuing. When I was younger, I really believed that if I followed the rules I would keep myself out of punishment I was receiving as a child. In other words, I believed all the treatment I was receiving was my fault. Keeping myself out of trouble just wasn’t working and I was trying to understand the rules of God to follow so I could keep out of what I thought was His punishment. Since God was the most powerful, I felt I could trust his rules if I just could understand them. I had no idea or concept of grace and forgiveness until much later in my life. Fast forward, then I was in Colorado and you were in Michigan. I am sure, as a parent, you have had the thoughts that you wanted to provide more for your children than you had? When I was a child, we were very poor and never went to places, museums, etc. When I went to school and everyone had returned from vacations and told the class about all the fun, I was very jealous. I believed I would of had a better life if I could have gone on these vacations. So when I was allowed to make money, I provided for myself and you everything I felt I had been denied. All the trips, museums etc. I provided the camps because I knew I was still trying to find my value and didn’t have any to give you. Since the scriptures and spirit had rescued me from hating myself I wanted to give you what I couldn’t. But spiritual teaching was all I had of value and so I was going to give you every chance in childhood I did not have. I also had an idea that you had a terrible home life so I was going to provide what I could give you. You mentioned in your book, that we did not connect when I brought you out. You are 100% correct. I did not know what connection was. Even when I was dating Scarlet, one large part of connection for me was paying for everything. So I thought I would give you a little history of my life above to let you know why some things happened that you mentioned in your book, like all the places I took you. In your book and in this email you mentioned telling me about your female desires when you were a teenager and I just said something about praying about it. That is very possible because gay-ness did not fit the rules that I understood at that time. And I did not understand, at that time, that all desires are from the Lord/Christ inside. We just don’t know how to connect them back to the Christ inside of us. If it would of been today, I would have directed you inside where the spirit was trying to let you know that the feminine side of Christ would provide all the comfort you needed. Like all things in this physical world, the Lord has to reflect our desires off of something physical so we can see them. That is why I believe you have been so attracted to females. The Lord is trying to show you his comfort is available. The next part will probably be very hard for you and you might not be able to receive it, now. It might be a few years down the road when it will make sense. It might not even make sense while I am on the earth. But I do believe the Lord will not abandon you to your own ways forever. The Lord equates being a murder, adulterer and homosexual (gay) in the same category of sin in scripture. He said these, among others, will not inherit the kingdom of God. I need to explain what the kingdom of God is and what it is not. Christ said the kingdom of God is inside of us. Now the kingdom of God, inside of us, is where we connect with Christ’s peace, love, joy, long-suffering, etc. This connection in the kingdom is an everyday activity, not something we are waiting for after we leave these bodies. To explain why, I believe, Christ put murder, adultery and homosexuality in the same category of sin. It has to do with thinking our satisfaction comes from outside of us. To explain that statement. The Lord says we are all sinners and come short of the glory of god. OK, what is that supposed to mean? To sin just means to miss the point/purpose of the excitement or desire that comes to our awareness. Instead of receiving the message as some feelings Christ wants to give us, we think we have to go get it from someone or something. Christ also says he came for sinners not the righteous (people that think they know what they are doing). In other words, he wants to have conversations with all people, like us, that know we have missed the point of the desire or excitement. To go back to this category of sinners that I mentioned above. When in this mindset or action, we think that people and material things (whether that is a husband, wife, children, education, job, etc) can satisfy us. An adulterer believes that another human being, besides the spouse they are married to, can supply the feelings that the present spouse can’t. They don’t realize that the feelings they want from another human being can only be supplied by the Christ inside of them. The murderer is the same way. They actually believe by taking their anger out on another person it will help them feel relieved or better about themselves by doing violence on someone else. And homosexuals apparently believe that having a relationship with someone of their own sex will satisfy them when the only satisfaction they are looking for is a connection to feminine or Christ source inside. I need to clarify something. The ceremony you saw Scarlet and I go through was only a physical wedding not a marriage. In reality, if you heard the words we said we were only accepting each other as physical partners and companions for this world: not husband and wife spiritually. The only true marriage that happens is between Christ and his bride, which is all of us. By the time I had met Scarlet, I was beginning to realize people cannot supply what only Christ can. This is why we were agreeing to be physical partners. Physical partnership is the only thing humans can give each other. They can’t make each other not feel alone, not feel love they don’t already feel, or feel fulfilled in any way. All they can do is go to movies with you, listen and pray with you, show each other how to get back to the source of life. This is where the American government went completely outside of their authority and said same sex couples could marry. Christ says marriage is only to between one man and one woman. This scripture is not even referring to humans. This is referring to the image of Christ and man. All of the bible stories are a reflection of what happens inside of us. You have already lived with Angelina (angel means messenger) for years and you might want to ask yourself what is it you are further wanting from her as a married partner that you don’t already have? In case you are not aware of it, most man and woman couples that have lived together for years that decide they want to marry are divorced within months after the ceremony because they wanted that person to commit by contract and ceremony to being someone they could not be. No man or woman can satisfy another human being. People just give other people credit for these feelings when the spirit inside is providing these feelings. Then the next time when the spirit isn’t providing these feelings the person blames the other person that they don’t love them anymore. All the time when the feelings were coming from Christ inside of them. I love you far beyond what you probably have understanding of at this point. I would love to resume a spiritual relationship like we used to have discussing things of “why” the lord is allowing you and the boys to go through everything. Even the tattoos you referred to in the email that you put on your skin are representative of what your inner Christ is ready to write on your soul so they are permanent. And if you remember right from the past, we used to pray together, over the phone, for the Lord to show you how and what he is doing in your life. I hope this explains why we won’t be coming to your ceremony. And I hope someday the Lord allows you to see He is your true husband and father you felt you never had. And by the way, you never thought you had the father or husband you wanted because no human can be that for you. As long as I realize I can’t be, I can release you to your real father and husband. I hope the doors to conversation can be reopened. I am available for any discussions you would want.
As far as allowing myself to be vulnerable, I’ve learned to do that through all the years of abuse and spiritual healing I’ve had to do. My book, my blog, or my letters are all as real as they can be. I don’t hide much and I know I have a lot of people who don’t appreciate my thoughts or the way that I put things; however I’ve learned I have to be real with me in all aspects of my life. This means what I say, what I write, who I love, all my goals and aspirations are a piece of my reality that I’ve learned to understand and accept. Those who decide not to love and respect my reality will always have a place in my heart with their own beliefs and opinions, but as one of my very highly respected and looked upon elders said, “they are the ones who will be missing out, it’s their loss”.