You ever sit back and find it hard to find worth in what you do anymore? Whatever your primary purpose in life is all this sudden takes a back seat to whatever drama seems to be created at the time. All of which line up to the same propaganda bullshit that is played on each individual that lays down their life for people to walk all over it and make it useless and worthless with every selfish demonic word or action they can muster up. We all have to find our own glory In who we are and what we do, but there’s only so many times we can get slapped in the face or stomped on and every piece of worthless shit out there gets rubbed in our face … before we are tempted to say Fuck it!!!!
How many times can you do what makes you feel good and put your all into whatever passion that you have and have someone not only take advantage of everything you are but all that you do and then dirty it with all their dishonesty and unappreciative comments and actions? I’m dwelling on some things that are going on right now in my life that have to do with disgraceful dishonesty, backstabbing, ungratefulness, and so many other evil thoughts and expressions. I’ve opened my doors, my heart, our lives, our future, and our present to so many people in my life and I can honestly say it’s getting harder and harder to be a giver. I think I’m finally to the point that I’m over all the “sad stories” people can give and I’m over all the “good sides” that I see in people and I’m over all the lies that are being spread about me and my family!!!! I’m coming to the point that other people’s hardships aren’t meaning SHIT to me since every time I try to listen and be of some type of help, we get SHIT on with the lies, stealing, and head games!!!
What’s worse is when they try to blame it on the children!!! Yes, people actually do this!!! I messed up and don’t care, but don’t want to feel the blame so I am going to put it all on the kids!!! It doesn’t matter how much trouble I witness them getting into or what was said that I know isn’t true!!!! How Fucking cruel is this?? How heartless is this?? The really sad part is… the kids have a history of said actions so it’s easy to believe they messed up or lied or stole or whatever it may be. So let’s find the weakest point I can and put all the negative energies on that!!! Don’t mind the fact that there are mental issues across the board for all the children in said circumstance!!! Don’t mind the fact children can’t and won’t stick up for themselves for fear of being in trouble by an adult!!!
The best part is when you are doing everything in your living power to give your children a good home, with food, clothes, education, and whatever else is needed and you have it constantly thrown in your face about how lousy of a parent you are by other parents who are supposedly so perfect themselves, but don’t have the gull to face the music realizing they Fucked up as a parent too!!! When people can slam you as a parent and the way you go about things and they themselves can’t even own up to their own Fuckups that made them worse than you, but yet have the complete Fucking balls to sit there and knock everything you do as a parent that they can possibly find as a fault. Yes, I have associated with these types of people in my world! Yes, I partially regret doing so in a certain way; but I also know I wouldn’t know what I know now if I hadn’t.
On a different scale of life, we’ve been watching a lot of The Voice lately! I’ve been singing since I was real young except when I had kids I quit. This show is so inspiring to me and makes me want to take up that singing possibility again as I’m sure we all do when we see these wonderful people get up on that huge stage and sing for the Lives. I’m one of those people who sit back and say to myself, “yep I used to sing like that… now I’m too old… I don’t have a good memory for the songs either…. I would never have the money to make it there either…. I haven’t sang in so long I wouldn’t know what to do” and so forth. Did I sing when I was younger? Yes I did! I did very well too! I was at the karaoke bars all the time and at whatever contest I could find as well as sending my tapes out to all the companies I could find. Obviously it didn’t go anywhere. Now I watch this show and keep saying to myself, “Wow if only I could do that again!” knowing I will just keep my full-time job as a hotel person and my full-time job as a mother and my full-time enjoyment of my partner and whatever writing that I may incur. It’s a great show and I enjoy it tremendously!
I don’t know who all believes in God or some entity up yonder, but I will tell you what I’ve been praying crazy lately to whoever would listen up there. I’ve been pondering my usefulness and my ability to uphold what’s expected of me as a mother, partner, daughter, friend or whatever else is out there. When I make a promise I have this huge issue that mentally tears me up to uphold it crazy! I promised my kids we would stay in our house and being three months behind on the payments, no summer taxes papers in yet, two months behind on the electric, our roof with a ton of leaks in it and no money to fix it, being too rich for food stamps and too poor to pay the basic bills, and squeezing in as much quality time as a family as we can… it’s been real hard to keep our heads up! We have been fighting so much more about money and time spent with the kids that it’s almost as if our backs are turned on each other at all times these days just to avoid the arguments.
Well, all this prayer is finally being answered one little bit at a time. I finally found out that my doctors’ visits will be covered under my tribe for my Endometriosis, I finally found out my company is understandable on me being three months behind on the house payments and seems more concerned about the leak in the roof for the safety of our children, I finally found out it’s all up to the state now to get a letter sent out so that my roommates can get paid for taking care of the elderly they already do, I finally found out our wood guy for our deliveries is willing to make a deal with us on prices this year to help out, I finally found out they are trying to raise the minimum wage here in MI so we wouldn’t be too rich for food stamps and we may be able to make our payments after all, and I finally found out the little bit of money my tribe did send me this year made sure our three boys got brand new coats and snow bibs for the winters to come. All this was discovered on the same two days!
You bet your ass this all sent me into tears!! I am so scared to find out what is going to happen with my pains that have been previously diagnosed Endometriosis and whether or not they are going to do the surgery to take it all out or not. I’m so freaking excited to find out I won’t be losing my home anytime soon as long as I keep trying to make payments. I’m really jazzed about the fact that the company my payments go to is looking into getting my roof done for cheaper than what I found it for. I love the idea of our boys opening their presents on Xmas and being so excited about their Car hart outfits we got them! I love the idea that our three boys are finally getting the proper help that they need whether it be medical or physical! I’m truly ecstatic about my boss being so awesome and understanding about my situation with my boys and yet so supportive of my side jobs.
The Great Spirit has once again seen me through the hard times and with all my faith and completely persistent patience; his light is still shining on me somewhere!!!!
I’m still waiting for my reviews from the very selective big companies that requested my book. Again no promises, but all hopes that they come through really well!!! I’ve made a goal! When they come back with their reviews, I will take their words and my pictures and make a banner for my book showing that I’m planning in Petoskey MI and possibly in Cheboygan MI. This will be a signing and questioning and open face to face opportunity to get to know the REAL Lena Rai that wrote the story of her life, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet; A Memoir”. Everyone will be invited and all will see what honesty lies ahead! This is my goal! If any of my glorious followers have had the chance to read my book, please leave any comments you feel are pertinent to the story or any questions you may have about the characters… I have a small leak of story that I’m going to include in this entry below:
So, I tried to do the whole
Catholic/rosary thing; I even tried to show up
on Sundays for mass. Since I was brought up
non-denominational Christian and now
attending a Catholic school and church, there
were a few things someone could have
warned me about. For instance, I didn’t
understand you weren’t supposed to where
the rosary beads and got made fun of for it. I
thought it was cool to wear beads around my
neck; what was I thinking? My Mother raised
me to believe that God existed when things
were going on, especially when things were
going bad and that you had to answer to God
every day. She always told me that if you
couldn’t look in the mirror and answer your
God at the end of the day then you were doing
poorly. With having my Mom going to bars
and having different guys around all the time
was very confusing and her “God” logic didn’t
make much sense to me.
So, on one occasion at Sunday mass, I
got in trouble for sitting instead of kneeling,
and boy did I get in trouble! Out loud and
proud I said, “Could I just not kneel and not
believe, sit in my own spot, and sit here
quietly?” In unison, everyone’s heads
snapped back and said, “This is the house of
the Lord.” The priest shook his head and I
thought to myself, “isn’t every church the
house of the Lord?”
And then there was the cookie and the
wine; I was so excited! Finally, something fun
to do in church! I stood in line, and was given
the cookie to nibble on, and as it reached
halfway down my throat, I started staring at
the priest in disbelief of how awfully bland this
cookie was. They moved me along to the
wine, and rather than sipping the chalice, I
took a huge gulp, and boy was it ever
delicious! God’s blood was much tastier than
his body, I must admit. Let’s just say they
wouldn’t let me go up for communion for a
long while after that.
I did enjoy people watching in church,
and it was my favorite part of the whole thing,
that and the Hail Mary was cool! I also thought
it was really neat that I felt like I belonged, but
I found it to be very comical! During church
service, the priest would come around and
wave his big silver stick of water at the
patrons; I wasn’t sure if I should be offended if
I got hit with water, as I had glasses on and
needed to have time to clean them off, and I
didn’t know if it meant that I was bad or good.
Again, I wish someone would have explained
the rules to me! I also found it funny how
quickly everyone would drop to their knees.
God said kneel and it’s time to kneel; this
even included the old ladies with arthritis, who
could barely move, but he said drop, they
dropped, and it was highly amusing to watch!
On one particular occasion, I was sent
to confession. I went into the confession booth
and was asked, “How long since your last
“You’ve never been to confession?”
“Well, I do now.”
All the while I was thinking, “Do I
actually tell these people what I did?” I
decided yes, yes I would tell them what I did. I
proceeded to inform them that I had a crush
on a girl and thought she liked me back. In
return, I received 15 Hail Mary’s, and probably
100 Our Fathers, and I don’t even remember
what else. I was so overwhelmed with what
happened, I couldn’t recall what they told me
to do. I walked out of the confessional and
explained what happened to Ashley and
Becca and they said I shouldn’t repeat what
was said, ever, no matter if I was proud or
ashamed. I was completely and utterly baffled.
I wouldn’t suggest a normal child going to any
of the schools I had attended; it was a culture
shock from hell. This school was, however,
better than the last few. It did have the whole
click thing going, as I’m sure most schools did,
but at least I didn’t get my hair set on fire or
burned off, and there were always plenty of
My Last year in Boise, I went to
Barbizon Modeling School. One of my Mom’s
friends aka boy toy aka best friends helped to
send me there. She worked with his wife
cleaning hotels; Tylerine was her friend’s
name. We called her husband Santa Clause.
If we needed help with bills, he would be right
there, and he was also the one who put me
through modeling school. This dude was
Mondo older. Both my Mom and Santa were
very flirtatious; they were very touch feely and
kissy but nothing further ever happened to my
knowledge. Tylerine was never around when
the flirting occurred.
During this same time, I started
babysitting for real money, amongst some
other perks that were to come with this job. In
particular, there was a couple from Mom’s
drinking crew that had two kids, and I was
hired to babysit them.
I was paid decent money for this job! The mom was very
promiscuous and dressed and acted the part.
Her husband, however, was very easy going
with no sense of humor, but truly a nice guy.
Employer-employee respect was of utmost
importance to him.
After the kids went to bed, I was asked if
I wanted to have a wine cooler, and I
accepted. I started to not only look at this
house as a job, but also a cool place to chill.
They had a pool table, were damn good, and
would enter pool tournaments. Her mom’s
brother came to stay and I thought I was going
to lose my job, but my thoughts were
unfounded and simply not true. I ended up
spending a lot of time around this woman’s
brother, and he literally stunk, chewed
tobacco, and was nasty.
Once again, I tried smoking when the
kid’s parents offered me a cigarette. They
were generally very giving of things I wasn’t
supposed to have after they had a few drinks
in them. Even after they had come home for
the night, they would often need me to keep
an eye on the kids, as they would bring their
pool playing buddies home and continue to
party late into the wee hours of the morning.
When the brother would come around,
he would teach me to play pool. In the
beginning, I wasn’t interested and didn’t want
to get in trouble. He would taunt me with
cigarettes, alcohol, and would joke that we
were dating. He would tease me with all of the
things that made me feel like a grown up. He
flirtatiously lured me into playing pool with
him. I became a pro at it very quickly and got
really into the game; I finally understood the
fascination. Whenever he would hang around,
I wouldn’t let him chew. I couldn’t stand to
watch someone chew and spit out tobacco.
He never got creepy on me or tried to
put the moves on me, but when Mom got word
that I was hanging out with an 18-year-old
male, she freaked out and had Norman talk to
me about sex. She was afraid that I would get
pregnant. Yes, Norman was still living there
and instead of Mom giving me the talk about
the birds and the bees, Norman did; that’s
how uncomfortable my Mom was with talking
to me. As he was explaining how everything
worked, I started to burst out laughing.
His response was, “I know you may
think this is funny, but this is serious!”
I had slipped and retorted, “first of all,
it’s a guy.” Norman didn’t catch on. I
continued, “He’s nasty, fun, but no, no, no
WAY!” as I continued to fill with laughter.
Norman replied, “I know what you’re
talking about…..be safe, ask if you need
YUCK!!! That was the last thing I ever
wanted to converse with Norman about. It
was, however, a cool and friendly talk, but I
was laughing like crazy!!! I backed away from
hanging out with the brother a little bit.
Looking back, I never understood why an
eighteen-year-old wanted to hang with a
fourteen-year-old, especially since he never
truly hit on me and all we had in common was
pool, but I didn’t want to give him the
opportunity either. My babysitting for my
Mom’s friends would soon come to a halting
So the modeling school commenced,
and I attended once a week. They taught me
everything about being a female that I never
thought I would be interested in. They showed
me how to walk properly, how to be a lady,
how to sit, how to wear your outfit, and
etiquette for eating out. I was truly digging this
and was hoping to go further. I wasn’t up for
the whole catwalk thing; however, I was very
interested in becoming a model for the
catalogue. I was trying to give it a chance, and
if I had to do this girly crap to get there and to
make it into the magazine, I was down. I was
given my own personal makeup kit, and there
was a room with mirrors everywhere. The
experience was actually very cool, overall; however,
looking back, I think that this was
probably a huge waste of money.
The things they taught me at this school
were things a mom or an aunt could teach you
if they took the time out to do so. I had never
attended any actual photo shoots and was
very disappointed! I never got to finish
Barbizon nor receive my certificate because
we were moving again and this time it was all
the way to Michigan.
They say good things come to those who wait… well… I don’t know how long you have been waiting… but every day I convince myself to wait another wonderful long-lasting extremely challenging day hoping this is actually true. I waited three years to be with my lovely lady and voila we are together! I waited almost three years to get my oldest boy back and voila we are together! I waited for 6 years to find the perfect man to give me another child regardless of being told I couldn’t have anymore and voila I have my weebit! I waiting for 20 some years for the perfect daddy and oh Boy do I have the perfect Daddy! I waited through several jobs to find the perfect one and it’s not the most paying, but it’s got the best hours, best schedule, and the absolute best boss! I waited 10 or so years to complete my own personal story which is now complete and available! There are so many things I’ve sat and waited for and sooner or later down the line…. Someone somewhere must have been listening… because whether it took 3 years or 20 I finally got it!
So can I ask… what are you patiently waiting for? Have you forgotten why you were waiting? Why are you doubting yourself? What is so worth your wait, that 20 years is nothing? There’s so much more to say, but I’m waiting…. Patiently!
- crossing the bridge (halftruthofawholelife.com)
- The Moms Are Alright (motherhoodismagic.com)
- The Host Recap – Returned (Chapter 26) (quizzicalllama.wordpress.com)
- A strapping man: inquire within (dekorhore.wordpress.com)
- Here’s What I Need (jazponders.wordpress.com)
- On fucking normal and fucking expectations. (jeremymeyers.com)
- PTSD: My 20 Year Anniversary and Confessions (saminalabama.wordpress.com)
- Oh fuck (nzfiend.wordpress.com)
- My Past. My Ex. My Anxiety. (moonbebi.wordpress.com)
- Two for One (powstory.wordpress.com)