This Space I’ve Created

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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What do you do when it seems to engulf you? When it seems to crowd you and your sense of thinking? What do you do when you have done all that your little heart will let you do or even think of doing that seems to be the best way to grab on to what seems to be reality? What do you do when you have this little part of you that screams at every other part of you to actually “breathe” and control yourself? What do you do when your most inner self seems to be smothered with such thoughts as a wanna be sane person with nothing left but doubt and despair?

I seem to love to become so involved in such situations that engulf my whole body mind and soul to a point that no matter how hard I try, I keep going the same direction of emotion. I love my life and the way it has finally come along. I love that I am starting to believe I have found someone who can and will truly see me for me . . . sometimes even before I see myself.

I have this deep part of me that is begging to come out and be real again. It seems to creep up at unexpected moments when even a spec of light seems to come about. Being nice and loving in every aspect that I can, is only my way of adjusting to my new-found resolution of my dark hidden past.

My emotions tighten every part of me to a point that I almost lose my breath. Every time I take a deep breath and hold it in, the suffocating thought comes about that I will be stuck in this life-like this forever. Not the happiness of having a real family and raising my children the way I’ve always dreamed of, but the aching way my stomach crunches at the thought of his voice haunting me again within whatever peace I pray to have.

His actions taking over my thought process to a point, counseling only begs to become apart of my inner self. I don’t know if my words will ever come to a point of understanding. Even to me it seems darkness falls to my feet in such a way that my eyes dread the tears that come apart of it.

Not sure what to think or say, not sure what I feel other than I love my life, but I do know if I don’t crawl out of this space I’ve created in my mind. . . I’m likely to curl up in such a way my conscience would get lost.

 

 

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