Long Intense Breaths

They say good things come to those who wait. I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for something “good” to happen, but then I look at my two children I birthed, the one I am marrying into, and the one that I adopted into my heart 9 years ago and realize I got everything a mother could wait for that was good. I then ask myself what else I could have waited for that was “good”. I went through a very challenging childhood and an even more challenging adulthood going through different types of abuse from physical to sexual. In all the ways I could have waited, I waited for the perfect soul mate that everyone wants in their life or swears is there. I doubted myself through the guys I allowed myself to be with and tried in so many ways to convince myself it was ok to only be wanted by women at night. So what that I or they had to be drunk to engage in any type of sensual activity that I later found out was lust not love. There was one man who I did give up my sexuality and personal beliefs for every way I knew how and he was listed as Chico in my book, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet”. I tried every which way to be the perfect woman for him that his mother and family could and would be proud of, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. So it wasn’t.

Now in all of this wanting, I never sat back and realized what it was that I actually deserved. I was taught I get what I deserve and well… I got hit and raped, and many other formalities women go through to be loved and important by someone they feel they love or they are loved by. I thought for years that this was the way I was supposed to be treated and well I allowed it. I allowed the entire name calling that I had gotten throughout my childhood and into my first marriage. I allowed the cheating and the false expectations of what a woman should be to a man since that what I was told I was supposed to do no matter what. It took me a long time to sit back and allow my connections with friends and family to fail and start doing so real inner soul searching that was so real to me it caused tears of hope and regret. I had to dig way down deep and see that for once I had to believe I deserved to be treated like the queen Chico told me I should have been treated like. I may not have done a very good job being the woman I was supposed to be for him, but he taught me how women should be treated and I held that deep down in my heart the best I could. I knew what I deserved, but now I needed to learn how to expect and demand it.

As the years passed and I watch many people cross my path in both good ways and bad ways I started to take mental notes in how I and my children should be treated. Honestly, my second marriage again was a man and probably should have stayed a friendship looking at it now since that seems to be destroyed, but no regret there. He taught me how a woman and child should be treated. Again as friends we were awesome parents and great together. He put me first before anyone else and made sure our children had what they needed. They always ate first and made sure they were full before they left the table. We made sure our children were more than 100% in our lives. When we were getting a long and acting like the friends we should have stayed, he was everything a father needed to be. He even took on a child that he didn’t have to and attempted to regain a relationship with a child he had left behind. This was the type of relationship I was to look forward to right? This was the type of treatment that I was to expect right? Well, until sex was needed in so many ways that I couldn’t handle and the drinking got so bad that our toddler picked up a pop bottle to drink and realized it tasted “yucky” not knowing it was left overs. Once again this life was not being lived and just wasn’t meant to be. You shouldn’t have to drink to be sexual and you shouldn’t have to search containers left in the morning to make sure your child doesn’t pick up something they shouldn’t because daddy passed out in the bathroom. Don’t worry thought because he did remember to lock the door so no one would come in.

Once again, I was lost about what I was to expect in what my children and I deserved. I held tight what my Chico taught me and this just wasn’t it. I did however cross the path a couple of times of a beautiful woman who didn’t need to be drunk or high to want something to do with me and surprise she was all excited to see me and my children during the day. What was this? This world of want and love I had searched for was peaking around the corner and I was completely dumbfounded about how to handle receiving it. I held Chico in my heart and in my mind throughout the years and finally day by day I started to feel that loving caring treatment come back around from someone I actually felt the same toward. This woman was amazing and had everything I could ever want. She even had a son so I could have another child without even trying.

With four years passing, we have four children whom we love and care for with all of our hearts and there is no alcohol to tie us together. There are no false expectations or warnings of a trust pitfall due to wrong interpretations or false communication. Good things come to those who wait. I’ve waited for the perfect family to call my own and I got it. Now, while I watch all these people talk and pray and wish for this lottery that is flashing so badly across our papers and screens, I silently pass a secret to those who are fighting for their lives with quiet health issues. I silently research what will help them live their life and bring them hope. I thank God that he’s given us our four children and though they are definitely challenging, they are well loved and cared for and ours. They are living breathing representations of what can happen if parents put their minds and hearts into everything that has to do with their children. Wondering what secret I have to pass? Well, it is a secret but yet it’s not…



5 Must-Know Facts About Cannabidiol (CBD)

Chemical structure of cannabidiol. (Photo:Wikimedia Commons)

CBD, or cannabidiol, is quickly changing the debate surrounding the use of marijuana as a medicine.

Most people have heard of a chemical called THC, which is the ingredient in marijuana that gets users high. But recently, attention has shifted to another compound in marijuana called CBD — and for good reason.

Because while doctors can’t seem to look past certain side effects of THC, CBD doesn’t appear to present that problem. On the other hand, evidence of CBD’s medical benefits continues to grow.

Here are five facts that you should know about this unique compound:

  1. CBD is a key ingredient in cannabis

CBD is one of over 60 compounds found in cannabis that belong to a class of molecules called cannabinoids. Of these compounds, CBD and THC are usually present in the highest concentrations, and are therefore the most recognized and studied.

CBD and THC levels tend to vary among different plants. Marijuana grown for recreational purposes often contains more THC than CBD.

However, by using selective breeding techniques, cannabis breeders have managed to create varieties with high levels of CBD and next to zero levels of THC. These strains are rare but have become more popular in recent years.

  1. CBD is non-psychoactive

Unlike THC, CBD does not cause a high. While this makes CBD a poor choice for recreational users, it gives the chemical a significant advantage as a medicine, since health professionals prefer treatments with minimal side effects.

CBD is non-psychoactive because it does not act on the same pathways as THC. These pathways, called CB1 receptors, are highly concentrated in the brain and are responsible for the mind-altering effects of THC.

A 2011 review published in Current Drug Safety concludes that CBD “does not interfere with several psychomotor and psychological functions.” The authors add that several studies suggest that CBD is “well tolerated and safe” even at high doses.

  1.  CBD has a wide range of medical benefits

Although CBD and THC act on different pathways of the body, they seem to have many of the same medical benefits. According to a 2013 review published in the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, studies have found CBD to possess the following medical properties:

Medical Properties of CBD Effects
Antiemetic Reduces nausea and vomiting
Anticonvulsant Suppresses seizure activity
Antipsychotic Combats psychosis disorders
Anti-inflammatory Combats inflammatory disorders
Anti-oxidant Combats neurodegenerative disorders
Anti-tumoral/Anti-cancer Combats tumor and cancer cells
Anxiolytic/Anti-depressant Combats anxiety and depression disorders

Unfortunately, most of this evidence comes from animals, since very few studies on CBD have been carried out in human patients.

But a pharmaceutical version of CBD was recently developed by a drug company based in the UK. The company, GW Pharmaceuticals, is now funding clinical trials on CBD as a treatment for schizophrenia and certain types of epilepsy.

Likewise, a team of researchers at the California Pacific Medical Center, led by Dr. Sean McAllister, has stated that they hope to begin trials on CBD as a breast cancer therapy.

  1. CBD reduces the negative effects of THC

CBD seems to offer natural protection against the marijuana high. Numerous studies suggest that CBD acts to reduce the intoxicating effects of THC, such as memory impairment and paranoia.

CBD also appears to counteract the sleep-inducing effects of THC, which may explain why some strains of cannabis are known to increase alertness.

Both CBD and THC have been found to present no risk of lethal overdose. However, to reduce potential side effects, medical users may be better off using cannabis with higher levels of CBD.

  1. CBD is still illegal

Even though CBD shows much promise as a medicine, it remains illegal in many parts of the world. CBD is classified as a Schedule I drug in the United States and a Schedule II drug in Canada.

On the other hand, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration recently approved a request to trial a pharmaceutical version of CBD in children with rare forms of epilepsy. The drug is made by GW Pharmaceuticals and is called Epidiolex.

According to the company, the drug consists of “more than 98 percent CBD, trace quantities of some other cannabinoids, and zero THC.” GW Pharmaceuticals makes another cannabis-based drug called Sativex, which has been approved in over 24 countries for treating multiple sclerosis.

A patent awarded to the U.S. Health and Human Services in 2003 (US6630507) also covers the use of CBD as a treatment for various neurodegenerative and inflammatory disorders


So if you are still reading then I haven’t pissed you off or offended you too bad. I do however fully believe that this is better than any lottery that you could win and I believe that the media has done a great job taking America’s eyes off things that really matter. I know a few people who could use this type of “winning” and I honestly feel if my oldest hasn’t been fully cured of the issues his misdiagnosis caused that I would think of something like this when he gets older.

I am excited that our oldest is coming off his meds finally, our youngest found a great babysitter that understands his need for more information all the time, our middle child will be hunting this next winter since he’s got some pretty cool equipment now, and our daughter well… she’s in a whole world of her own and when she feels like sharing… so will I.

We are hoping our biggest “win” over all will be the closing of this house that we’ve been dying to get into. We are counting down so bad that each and every one of us is getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about finally moving on and creating a whole new chapter in our lives. Yeah there is a lot of cut backs we are going to have to do, but in the end it will all be worth it. So many new programs for our kids, so much property for our kids to run and play (outside of the video games), a new school to learn, new programs to be a part of, new traditions to start, all of our lives we’ve wanted the chance to finally win something… and now we can and will.

What do we deserve as parents, children, partners, lovers, wives, husbands, or anything else that touches our lives day by day? Do we deserve to win something that will take all of our worries, pain, agony, struggles, and negative energy away? Do we deserve to hit some big jackpot that has the attention of millions so strong that people are actually creating webpages to fund for a chance to win the jackpot even more? I’m confused why this jackpot would be so extremely important to change everyone’s mind on gambling, family, pursuit, and complete endurance to the right happiness. I don’t get why such a large amount of media is all it takes to turn heads so strong they believe in this fake amount of chance that will suddenly show up in numbers on a screen. We have children dying from something as simple as the flu shot and yet adults are counting down to the next million dollars they could win by walking into the nearest gas station and playing odds that are just as good as meeting Vin Diesel in person. Instead of putting all of our hope on this lottery we all deserve and the awesome media and government tease us with, why don’t we put the same effort into helping those of us who work 40 some hours a week to afford food for the children we work so hard for? If we can afford $50 for lottery tickets or a slot machine, why can’t we use that same amount for putting dinner on the table for two nights?

I work in an industry where I see people gamble away their hopes and dreams waiting for that lucky strike to hit that will take all their struggles away. I watch people run to the ATM for just another buck to try once again hit it “big”. I watch child support cards used for gambling and hotel stays all the time. This kind of stuff drives me up a wall. I wouldn’t even buy liquor or tobacco with my child support card regardless of the need or reason. My big “win” or “need” was met when I was blessed with four children and a woman by my side who treats me like the most beautiful queen I could I’ve be. Our struggles are real and our hopes and dreams are met standing side by side going through all the ups and downs needed to keep an relationship strong. We have the right people supporting us through the right circumstances and in between we keep our love and admiration for each other long and strong. Our children are far from perfect and our bills are far from fully being paid, but with long intense breaths we continue to wake every morning knowing that together we will make it through.