Ever come to the point where you just want to drop to your knees and scream, “Please stop this!” to whoever out there seems to be playing with your life, memories, family, emotions, and just daily occurrences? There’s so much emotion bent up into the corner of some dark room in some hidden part of some attack in my little head that it seems to be slowly dripping down the stairway making its way into the light. So much to look forward to and yet so much to regret and try to forget in the meantime. I have several types of memories that try to resurface that bring nothing but pain and agony whilst I’m trying to enjoy what’s right in front of me. I get to see other mother’s treat their daughters so well through their victories and celebrations while being their sober crying shoulder when they have failed or hurt themselves. It’s so hard to handle having a family that really wants to be a apart of you and your kids regardless of the bad things that go with them. There are no expectations or judgments past what you show them to know or try to understand. It’s hard to be a mother that fights for her children and fights for a well-placed together family when all you know is negativity and displacement of all the faults of the family played into a well-placed can of beer or swept under the rug.
I want to cry in so many ways, languages, and volumes. I want to curse at the sky, at the moon, at the sun, and whatever birds fly in my way. I want to throw anything in site to show my anger and my frustration about this life I try to live so fully yet I’m never accepted for it at a level that my personal family would ever look past their selfish ways and actually realize I’m trying!!! My fiancé’ and I are trying so hard to make things work for us and just give our family a brand new start with a new home and a new school district and new memories planned in so many ways, but it’s like I only exist when it’s not a bother for my family to notice my existence outside of their normal routines. My in-laws do a better job of at least trying to accept me and my children for who we are and who we are trying to be. So many times, I want to curl up in my mother in-laws arms and just cry and say “thank you” for just being you!! Thank you for being the loving. Caring, open-minded mother your daughter needed growing up. Thank you for taking in every moment with her and you grandchildren whenever you could. Whether it be coloring in books, building sand castles, going to games, watching movies, or just holding their hand to learn to walk for the first time. Thank you! Thank you for showing your daughter how to survive, how to cook, how to love, how to realize her strengths and use them with confidence, and how to love and teach her children the way she was taught from you. Thank you for being the parents she needed to grow and be the woman she has become that I have fallen so deeply in love with!!!
My tears follow with sadness of my past, abandonment of family I thought I had, and hope and excitement for the future. I catch the tear drops with moments of joy in between each dribble. I look forward to the pictures we take as a family and the time we spend as a family. I’m starting to finally feel welcomed as part of the family and it hurts to know it’s taken perfect strangers to make me feel a part of something I should have felt my whole life growing up. The tears are constantly fighting to be freed every time I get such a loving embrace from my soon to be step son who I have taken under my wing since day one we met in a bad moment of history both of us were becoming survivors. The anxiety medications only help me handle what the empathic abilities want me to deal with, but way down deep I’m screaming for understanding.
I see such an unforgettable beginning coming to our lives that we both feel we deserve and if it wasn’t for the loving support of our moms and dads who walked us through the steps of confidence it took to gain the wisdom needed to make the right decisions to finally live life for today instead of yesterday.