What if….. What Now…. To Exist….

Just when you think your life gets a little smoother and you can breathe a little lighter, you open your eyes and realize your child refuses to grow up, another borders a genius level of intelligence that scares most people above high school, a father is falling backwards with both hands screaming, “don’t let me fall down”, and a partner who’s fears still carry over from years past so bad her silence is silently killing her inside. All of us are on some type of medication and all of us have our own personal struggle we are hiding way down deep. All of us have some kind of acceptance we are trying to attain. Whether it’s because we are too fat, skinny, smart, dumb, short, tall, old, or young; there’s some type of struggle we are forcing everyone around us to try to accept or understand in our twisted ways of thinking or acting.

So what if you are born a girl and raised in your younger years as a “girly girl”, but the rock you built everything on leaves you behind without a thought and as you get older… this little boy starts to grow inside you. You are thinking more and more like a boy, you are talking more and more like a boy, you are noticing yourself dressing more and more like a boy, and way down deep you are trying to hide this little boy who’s uncontrollably growing up faster than you can handle. What will they think? What do I think? What does he think? What does she think? Will they make it harder? Wouldn’t it be easier just to let go? What does it mean? What does that make me? Does that make me weird? Does that make me cool? Does that make me sexy? Does that make me confusing? Does it make me real? Does it make me fake? What if I feel this little boy has grown up so fast inside me that I can’t help but to show it anymore? What if I don’t feel a real attraction to a boy or a girl? What if I am just waiting to see when my heart will finally find a home? What if I feel like an off the street adopted little puppy that everyone seems to throw to the corner or forget is around or even doesn’t want around? What if?

So these are things you have to take into account when you are going through day to day life watching yourself change in the mirror faster than you can change just your clothes. What if you are a child who was born a boy and made to look and act like a girl as a young baby to a toddler and then to a preschool child? What if you childhood consisted of being molested by your natural born father every chance he could because he wasn’t man enough to admit he had a problem? What if you were gotten a puppy to sleep with to keep you company while the man you are supposed to call dad crawled in bed next to you every night and molested you quietly because he “loved you” so much? What if your showers consisted of 10 seconds as a child, because if they took any longer you so called, “father” found his way in to help “wash” you to make sure you were clean enough for him? What if you had this secret game that no one was supposed to know where you play naked right after a shower and try to be the one to stay on the bed? Then if you got caught and pulled off the bed, you got tickled wherever “daddy” decided to tickle you… even if it was in your butt? What if school wasn’t important and you missed it all the time? What if you were forced to call your step mom “mother” and forced to believe you didn’t have another “mother”?

As a mother, sister, daughter, aunt, and sometimes kicking stone I have learned the past can haunt us even if we close our eyes and try to work past it. We continue to see the van that follows us when we are least expecting it. We continue to hear the voice that makes us shiver and practically pee our pants. We continue to glance around looking for the man in the blonde hair pony tail that used to follow our every move. We flinch when we think that smack to the head is coming once again for our “stupidity” that we didn’t even understand where it came from to begin with. We continue to cry when we feel once again we failed our loved ones for whatever retarded thing that we should have known better as responsible smart “kids”.

What if you are taking on someone else kids’ because whatever the mother or father called parenting at the time put the child into a scare so bad they peed and defecated themselves all the time… then got beat for it and made to clean it up? What if they were locked in a closet or a room and held there with a broom stick for hours while the adult they looked up to went off and got laid or drunk? What if kitchen utensils were used as weapons to beat instead of cooking? What if it was so bad that a child could not even drop a piece of bread on the kitchen floor or that wonderful parent would beat the crap out of that kid and force them to clean it up? What if that child went missing for hours and could have died for all anyone knows and that awesome drunken whore of a parent was have internet sex with some guy who’s picture she was obsessed over contained some old wrinkled penis? What if you did everything you could as that child to never come home as much as the neighbors would allow? What if the only meals you got as a child were the same old cereal that you made in your bowl that you washed for yourself in a home filled with demons or cockroaches!!!

I always feel sorry for those children whose parents walked out on them at such a young age. Not sure whether they did something wrong or whether the parent was just lazy. I’m noticing the average age for this is 7 years old. I don’t know why, but when I talk to those who have been left behind by their mother or father; it’s generally around 7 years old when they left because they “couldn’t do it”. So I guess it’s ok that they the parent just couldn’t do it because there’s always someone else that can do it right? Wrong!!! There are so many children out there that get abandoned over stupid selfish reasons it’s unfreakenbelievable!!! I was lucky enough to find the ones I found who were abandoned, but they are still trying to repair themselves from the damage that was caused by their parent who left. Sure there is medications, counseling, tons of volunteers who will take on a child they don’t know, and of course endless reasons to let the child go. This doesn’t make it right! These children need their parents. The ones who decided to allow the child to exist. There are the ones who were talked about and wished for, but not planned.

Taking on all of these things comes natural when you are a strong survivor yourself from all that you’ve come from on your own. One thing I have learned in all the times I’ve gone through these things with those that I love or those that I barely know, there is NO WHAT IF!!!! I repeat THERE IS NO WHAT IF!!!!! There is WHAT NOW? What now is the key phrase that everyone should be asking themselves after they’ve been hurt, lied to, abused, played, confused, and various other timeless events that children experience as they grow up. What now is what you should be asking yourself when you get knocked down. What now can I do to change what has happened? How can I make this better? How can I get passed this? What now that they have tried to destroy me? What Now?


2 Replies to “What if….. What Now…. To Exist….”

  1. You may have been kicked out.. however no parent would ever force the other to leave the child’s life. Unless there was circumstances that happened and put the child in harms way!!!! So unless that was even a possibility then no parent would ever force the other out of the child’s life. The parent that has or feels forced out was probably by there own doings. No communication, no visits,no nothing. So who forced who here. Why don’t you take responsibility for your own actions and choices…….


  2. It’s funny how things get turned around to the other parent after they get kicked out. When they didn’t leave. They were forced to leave the child’s life.


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