I did an oops! I didn’t realize I did it until my lovely coworker corrected me so kindly. I read all over the internet that it shouldn’t be called, “gay wedding”, “gay couple”, or “gay anything” and then I caught myself doing it. I haven’t seen this many out people in all my years. It’s such a beautiful thing to come to work and see the freedom ring in people’s hearts to say I’m with him or I’m with her and not worry what other’s are thinking. It’s great to hear “we’ve been together 25 years and counting” and see both females are very happy and content with their decision. I love to see 80 some year old men together with military hats on just knowing that they may die, but it will be with pride together. I catch myself wanting to shout to every one of them that come by, “hey I’m gay too… I have a partner… I accept you.” Then I realize how dumb that probably makes me sound and just sit quietly trying to hide my smile with the small hope they notice my little rainbow shoe laces, rainbow lanyard, and of course my rainbow bracelet. I wonder if I should get a rainbow tongue ring?
The really interesting part of it all is the support I get from my kids! My daughter has rainbow everything, my son wears dresses whenever he wants, my oldest brags about his “two moms”, and now I’m starting to get some support from work and possibly the in-laws. It’s hard going from a family that never thought of or heard the same sex thing as a part of life and then all of a sudden have it all thrown in your face by every tv channel there is, every song there is, and now the president and supreme court have decided it was important enough to block the international trade lines with the same sex marriage ordeal. Don’t get me wrong! I love the fact that I can walk out my door and know that I am not alone with my struggle trying to get the world to understand it’s my decision to like women, it’s who I am.
I do get slightly irritated over the fact I hear women all the time, “I used to be a lesbian” and “I can be a lesbian anytime I want”. To me being a lesbian never goes away. It’s always a part of you. It’s internal, passionate, deep, sensuous, love, respect, honor, lust, comfort, completeness with a woman as a woman. It’s not, “she tasted good” or “I kissed a girl” or “while my husband was gone”. To me it doesn’t just pass you by with your juices letting go of all those sexual tensions you had. I feel it’s more than just noticing that woman’s unforgettable cleavage that just happened to be shoved in your face with a dash of perfume for remembering moment. I feel it’s more than just she looked you in the eyes and smiled while she grazed your cheek with her finger tips. These are things that are definitely noticed and I’m not knocking them down, but I will say they just don’t singly add up to being a lesbian. I guess I can’t say what a true lesbian would be since everyone has their own thoughts on that.
There’s a lot of people that are like, “oh you used to love dick, you have kids” or “you only wanted pussy cause the dick wasn’t satisfied”. I’ve gotten, “why would you want them fat chicks… cause you can’t get anything real?” So many comments that they try to hit deep with, but honestly I’ve heard them so much that they don’t bother me anymore. Yes I have kids and yes at the time I felt what I was doing was right. Any of the men I was with will tell you they knew something was wrong because I wasn’t “happy” with them. I tried several times to be the girl or woman I was supposed to be. the one GOD made supposedly in his image to be with a man. I tried to feel the feelings, pray the prayers, understand the words, and retell the tales of adventures we were supposed to have. I love my kids and wouldn’t give them up for the world, but had their been a different way to get pregnant then to have sex with a man, I would have been the first to sign up.
Sex with a man wasn’t so bad when I was drinking. Honestly I had all these thoughts roll through my head of the kind of woman I was supposed to be for this man or that man. I did have a problem chosing the right man to take care of me while I was drinking on many occasions. Don’t you hate that point of drunkenness where you know what’s going on and you can see and hear it, but you are too far gone to stop it? I can’t tell you how many times I ended up in this situation and the “man” who was supposed to take care of me ended up forcing a blow job on me or claiming I deserved to get “fucked” since I kept claiming a man couldn’t please me. I didn’t make a habit of this of course, but I noticed it only got worse as I got into “serious” relationships with men. I was raped several times with my first husband. I found out later I was being given different types of sleeping pills and pain killers in my hot tea or coffee he made me all the time while gave him full access to me. I woke up partial on several occasions with him in me, on me, spraying me, slapping me, taking pictures of me, and many other things. It was ok, he was my husband and my job was to please him. When I couldn’t drink to handle it, I got real good at pretending I was sleeping while he was doing things to me.
There were boyfriends through out my time as well that I tried to be the woman for a man that I was taught so strong was “normal”. No matter how hard I tried to fit in with this idea, I never felt right. Then as I found women who felt kind of the same way I felt, I felt more alive and real than I ever had. I noticed I didn’t have to be drunk or even drink to be with them. On many occasions they had to be, but I had to be understanding right? It was ok that they only wanted something to do with me when they were drinking. It was ok that I had to be a secret. It was definitely ok that I could only do what they told me to do. As I grew up more through out the years, this need to please their insecurities faded. Honestly; it sort of back fired. I got to a point where I got devious and figured if some bitch was being mean to me and treating me like shit, I seduced her and made her scream my name, then left her like a sack of shit whether she was drinking or not… (in my writings that is) I couldn’t do that in real life. . .
So as time passes and I learn more and more about myself and the world, I begin to realize this “reality” I have for myself is very uncommon. No one will understand where I am coming from and I needed to get used to the fact I was all alone. I got real good at hiding my secret. I got real good at pleasing women at night, and being with guys during the day. I got real with taking care of my drunk mother on the weekends and trying to make and keep friends during the week. I found myself wanting to try many more sexual things that I read about lesbians and what they supposedly do. I found the wants and needs turn into deeper and deeper fantasies that I knew would never be fulfilled due to negligence and insecurities. I felt ok in my head though. I didn’t feel wrong about these thoughts and feelings I had for women.
I don’t believe being a “lesbian” is a phase. I don’t believe the phrase, “I used to be a lesbian” or “I might be a lesbian one day”. The use of that phrase is too much of a transaction of choice. Being a lesbian is something found deep inside you that you just can’t help. Now, “I’m attracted to women” and “I like the taste of a woman” is on the attraction side of feminine pheromones. I honestly feel that given the right circumstances with no religion or barred judgement… any woman could be in those shoes or the right woman comes along in their life.
Today is such a different shade of color than it was years ago. The rainbow seems to be brighter even with the several tiny holes that people’s judgements and personal beliefs put in it. The sun seems to shine brighter now then it ever did and all our wonderful people are noticing. I saw a cute “couple” with two women.. not a “gay couple”. I watched as the crowd walked by and several of the people who were holding hands were of the same gender. It’s nice to see people come out of their shells and just breathe.
You have to have comfort in your own sexuality regardless of what it is. You can’t be blinded with the fears and insecurities the media and governments have placed in your head. You can’t go on letting the religions and social groups do the thinking for you. I was scared for years to let anyone know the thought going through my head, but I’ll tell you what… my Christmas book was the Sears catalogue and can I say them women had some cute bra and panties sets… hmmm…