Tippy Toes… and … Door Stomping

I have a circumstance recently that seriously opened my eyes to what is possible when you can sit back patiently and just let time take it’s place. I have been fighting and fighting for years to make things more possible for my family through everything that we’ve been thrown through out the years. I have had a child who was misdiagnosed for 6 years with Psychosis and Schizophrenia when he actually had PTSD. So he’s been through countless types of pokes and prods and thousands of therapies and doctors appointments. He’s seen more types of medications for his age than most see in a life time. He’s been called so many things from stupid to special to faggot to frog. He was told through out the years by everyone that he’d never amount to anything and will always be stuck being “stupid and special” by most of those around him. He’s bounced from killer mode to baby mode to little girl mode and back to killer mode in single days. He was on the Autistic spectrum for so long that they weren’t sure if they were going to continue with that possibility or pay attention to the voices and visions he was having. It’s been a very fucked up and rocky road with this child. I can’t even try to tell you what I or my family has been through with this child. The schools have had to stay right on their tippy toes or I would be at their door stomping my foot with legal papers of what was to be done right.

I had all doctors and teachers and family members by the throat for years with this kid for fear something was going to make things worse and we’d end up going backward again. Even the other siblings are so well trained that it comes natural for someone else around them to have “special needs” they automatically get it and try to help them. Dealing with the limitations and the teasing and the off the wall tantrums of trying to destroy oneself, was a whole family of stressors.  Trying to watch every movie, game, song, personality, and any piece of life itself that wasn’t going to be right for your child and you had to keep your other members of the family distant from those things too to keep it fair. Then you have to wonder what’s real and what’s actually a little boy stressed and just acting out. Everything becomes a question or a doubt or what is supposed to be right and what was researched wrong. You become the “expert” that no one believes because you’ve read more than you’d ever care to…  to only find out that everyday you find another doctor or theorist that has their own opinion as to what is really happening.

Then there’s all the training these people claim that they’ve had to deal with children with issues and disabilities and know what to do in certain circumstances. I kept telling them when you have a handful of 7 year olds who’ve been sexual molested by their own father, physically abused by their own step brother, diagnosed Psychotic and Schizophrenic by some state funded mental doctor who doesn’t believe in half of the mental diseases out there for fear of some other research being correct, and given a ton of medications that aren’t even approved for children… then I will listen to all they have to say about their “training”. They don’t live with my child, they don’t see my child all the time, they don’t even get to see him long enough to consider him a patient, but they think they have the right to place words and definitions on him and I say that’s BS!!!

Now, on the brighter side of life, my lesson recently is watching a little boy who’s completely screwed up head to toe… go from a hopeless pain in the ass whiner to a very mature intelligent and well spoken young man who no longer hears inside voices and sees outside zombies that terrorize him every day. All because we found a new therapist who’s goal is something I’ve never heard of before. He believes in treatment and teaching to move on. He doesn’t want a patient for life and he does everything he can to make sure he doesn’t get one. It’s so awesome to see a therapist actually after the healing of a human being instead of the money they can make from the sickness of them instead. My child is brighter than he ever has been and has such a bounce in his step and a glow in his eyes. He brings me to tears every time he matures another couple of months within a day or so. He’s growing mentally so fast it’s hard to keep up. Everything he’s into today and wants really bad today won’t exist in a week. It’s so weird to see a child grow so fast. It’s not your average child being selfish or unthankful either. This child actually mentally grows so fast that his brain has gone from 7 years old to about 11 in just 5 months.

He’s my dream come true in lifetime goals!!! To make sure my children are happy and healthy in everyway they can be is every mom and dad’s dream; however to find such a broken human being completely dependant on you for all thoughts and emotions for so many years and then one day … it’s almost like you meet an Angel and he just knows it’s your time to breath. He’s given us so much hope that I actually don’t have nightmares of all the ways I have fucked up my child throughout his life anymore. I can’t tell you how often through out the years I have had nightmares of all the ways I had fucked up with him. It’s horrible going through all the years nitpicking the hell out of everything you do to try and be the Mom you were supposed to be in the first place. You have so many people telling you all the time that you didn’t do anything wrong and that you need to take it easy on yourself. They weren’t there were they? They did hold your hand as you sat and cried yourself to sleep because you realized so many thing were wrong with your child when he finally came back to your arms.

So confusing life is. So hard to understand life is. No real instruction booklet to let you know what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. Everyone has their own judgment of what “they would do” and “how things should be done”. All we can say is you don’t know because you aren’t going through it. It’s so awesome to watch Opera and Ellen and watch how all these children get placed on the screen and get helped with their bills, the medical treatment, or new vehicles. It’s so great sit back in awe of these real bad situations with uncontrollable children or those with rare diseases sit back and become a world vision and silent hope to cure. When it really counts, how many “rich people” are out there to help the “normal” people with their struggles and their issues? How many people look out their door and see our situations and actually put a bit of real heart and care into our lives for our children to help them survive life with expecting a dollar or trying to be the self diagnosed expert none of us want to deal with?

Our real miracle came when my very special son went from his very damaged world and damaged mind to watching movies, listening to music, holding house keys, working in a wood shop with promise of a great career ahead of him, and the exciting responsibility of owning a cell phone no matter how cheap and basic it may be. Am I still stomping at doors and blowing up phones with the details he need to complete his day? Absolutely!!! Now that my 13 year old will be turning 13 real soon, I can hopefully begin to focus on my youngest child whom has a worse temper than I have ever seen with my first and it’s not because of voices and visions. Off to my next goal in life… take care of your children everyone!!! You are the parent and make sure everyone knows that. Make sure you do your research and know your children’s issues and conditions better than any doctor out there. That way when they try to shove appointments and medicines down your children’s throat… you can shove whatever you want down their throat to protect and care for your children.           

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