A Panther’s Eyes . . . Perfect For Me

There are so many times we have family or loved ones with an illness
that they say or do things that cannot be held against them due to
their incapability to handle or control themselves. Whether it be
mental, physical, or sexual the intensity of the verbal or physical
infliction can be so deep that the tears practically jump off your
face. You have to realize and understand that the emotions you have at
that moment in time may be any of the following: anger, hatred,
disgust, irritation, agitation, loathing, or even emptiness; however
though these feelings are perfectly normal, the shame of having them
about these loved ones during their problematic moments may bury you.
I know holding back all the angst and fear and hurt and countless
other emotions is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my
lifetime. I wait to write it out or find someone I can trust to talk
it out which hardly ever happens.
Sometimes they wonder why you react differently to their behavior than
they expected, but I find little bits of humor or sarcasm can end one
of these situations quick though it can be explosive… it’s worth it.
This way I’m not tempted to react with all the rest of the emotions I
have lingering about. This requires putting my pride back in my
pocket, my confidence on the shelf, and my game face on with a touch
of a smile to keep myself believing everything happens for a reason.
The energy and will it takes to wipe that slate clean when this kind
of thing happens, almost cripples you with the anticipation that the
clean slate will make everything better. The emotions that build up in
their eyes and the shakiness of their hands as they go to show you the
regret they carry, begins to tear you apart nerve by nerve. The open
arms are needed in a time like this. The open mind and pure love is
essential. When the quivering lips begin from an internal blame that
they can’t help, you fight the smile of satisfaction knowing they got
the point and do everything you can to just give them the love they
need at that point in time.
Whether these circumstances are brought on by situation, person, drug,
or alcohol means no rescue to the actions they carry and who they
affect. Damage is done and it’s hard to fill a void that’s been
created from an emotional episode or neglected ignorance of what
should have been instead. Apologies all day to retain and accept
though the pain, shame, and suffering stay buried within tearing them
down breath by breath. The hope to gain is that the next time it won’t
be so bad if any at all. The situations stay pretty distant in between
each other and always have the teary eyes and regret that follow,
though this is not the point of the sarcasm or bits of humor being
thrown in… it helps to wipe that little slate clean once again. I hate
to watch the doors slam, the fists ball up smashing whatever crack is
left in the door, and so many hurtful things come out of someone so
precious and beautiful and completely torn. I hate hearing the words
that try to tear through my heart and play with my mind begging for
chance to all Black Panther’s eyes to penetrate whatever finds her
Though her spirit is pure and her mind is wise, her internal aura
glows many colors reflecting the different days of difficulty and
exploration. A good swipe of the large and powerful claws against
already torn and slivered wood shows a dominance that needs to be
known and correctly understood. The current cracks and chips in the
already scarred door brave the difference in attitude and temper with
the new prescription that’s been fed. There’s a light that glimmers
through the door that the once very well put together dream catcher
hangs on, teasing you of the glory and sunshine to be seen on the
other side reminding you everything happens for a reason… so they say.
Stand tall and proud with vigilance and honor when the explosions
occur though far and few between, the extremity of circumstances
created from little mole hills almost make you chose on the dust that
settles behind. Holding my breath, wiping my eyes, hiding my hands
that shake, and taking the toll so strong with no judgment is my goal
leaving no fearful tear behind.
This kind of thing can tear you apart if you are not careful. This
kind of thing can bring you down. It’s hard to take hold of something
you’ve never dealt with and still keep it so close to your heart when
there’s so many times it feels pierced once again by things that can’t
be controlled. I love animals for who they are and what they will
become. If either for spirit or physical appearance, they grateful
eyes still glimmer with hope that you keep their love regardless of
the attack from before. There’s always a moment that will pass when
the screaming and punching finally disperses and you lay still with
open arms for your beautiful feline to return to your loving arms
ready to purr for your forgiveness once again. These are the things we
have to look forward to when things get out of control. These are the
whispers of hope that remain waiting to be discovered that keep the
faith alive all will be ok.
This may be rambling and it may not make sense to most of you, but to
me its truth that had to be told. Those that know me will unweave the
strings that tell the story behind the words that dance and disappear.
I’ve been through too much to judge anyone for who they are, what
they’ve been, or who they want to become. I’ve seen to many things to
try not to uncover why things are the way they are. I’m cursed a see
believer and blessed as an empathy. I’m given the gift of forgiveness
and tortured with the pain of forgetfulness. I’m born an open minded
soul with a beautiful aura and a pure heart; the wind can race against
the trees to force commotion in my eyes. The fierce dangers can peek
around the corners and try to grab me from behind. She may be scary at
times, but she’s adorable all others. She may scream like a banshee,
but I still hear her purr like a kitten. She bats her beautiful blue
eyes and the clouds run away. The rain turns to a sprinkle with that
pitter patters her cute little nose. The sunshine comes through
reflecting the gorgeous highlights in her hair.
To love and cherish means all the way around through good times and
bad. The rollercoaster that carries you through such tests may try to
throw you off and send you running for your life. It’s the worst times
that show if you can hang on and pull through together, the “light at
the end of the tunnel” will be brighter than ever and more worth the
beauty it holds. Nobody is perfect and I wouldn’t trust who would
claim to be, but I know way down deep in my heart whose body, mind,
soul, and pure love is more than perfect for me.