Practice Makes Perfect

I swear it has been so many years practically being tortured by every doctor’s opinion about what’s happening to my boy that the moment a doctor finally says, “It’s all over by his birthday as along as he does what I tell him to”, it’s like all of a sudden I become drill sergeant for these small tasks that have been asked of him. They are little simple things to me, but I have to remember in a cognitive disorder that the person is almost in pain to think. Any type of thought that causes a depth of detail or emotion is actually torture to someone like this. So when the child is asked to write his number front ward and say them back ward all at the same time, it’s a lot of work for him. When the child is asked to write a couple of sentences about his day with his good hand and then asked to write the same thing again with his bad hand, this could be a variable reason to be upset and frustrated.
Here’s an interesting factor as well… when all this is done through time… the child trains their brain to remember things again and mentally grow up. This child who’s been mentally 6 years old all of a sudden grows three years in just a couple of months. Then all of these horrid memories come flooding in. The boy is remember things like being trapped in a garage by himself threatened with hammers and boards with nails in them, being molested by his sperm donor, and now almost being drowned by his sperm donor. There’s various other things that he’s mentioned here and there, but those were the most significant. It’s so hard sitting there with a straight face while your child begins to uncover and unwind such a horrid past with someone you’ve fought so hard for him to be able to move on from and forget. I suppose however for someone to be able to move on from something they need to be able to remember and go through it again so they can finally let it go.
I see his smile every time he proves to himself that he “can” do it and that he will always be able to do anything he “puts his mind to”. I think I have finally drilled that in his head far enough that it may have actually stuck this time. The immediate hugs he’s been all of a sudden asking for is hard to handle too. This is a child who couldn’t stand being touched and hugged or even given a kiss on the cheek. Now he’s coming up to me almost daily and asking for his “daily hug”. It seriously sends me to tears whenever I sit and think about it. I was told for so many years that his condition was incurable and for the rest of his life he will be like this. Now we switch therapists and not only does the guy believe in D.I.D., but he also is proving week by week that my boy’s condition is none other than PTSD that has grown into these other conditions by being left untreated correctly.
Now to think this child is now playing video games he never would have even 6 months ago, he’s growing into men’s clothing, he’s catching on to jokes, he actually attempting to solve his own conflicts at school, and he beginning to remember his own chores without having to be prompted all the time. This all started when he started a new therapist and when he was introduced to Minecraft. The boy has been asking about this dragon game that his brother has been playing and you actually have to think to play this game. Scary thought!! Here’s the real kicker, this extremely sensitive child wants to get into football also. This may not seem like a big deal to most mothers, but when this child has been through and diagnosed all the spectrum of things he has and then all of a sudden he jumps into social activities… big big deal.
It brings me to tears of joy every time we walk into his new therapists office and I feel the energies of accomplishment that come across just from my boys tasks let alone personality changes. I have also noticed these different personalities that were coming out a lot when we were apart of his other therapist, are not coming out as often as they were. Are they going into hiding? Were they ever really there? Maybe we are just entering the steps of a final cure. I’m being told when you make the brain think logically, the voices and beings can’t be there at the same time. I’m being told it’s impossible. So anytime you hear voices or see things that are really there and this begins to control you or your daily living, all you have to do is say the alphabet in your head backwards until the voices or visions go away. Sounds too simple right? Proof has come to our door step bits and pieces at a time. He’s showing day by day large improvements in school and at home. He’s showing so much improvement lately that I want so bad to lift his bed time and open his horizons again with his movies and video games.
It sucks when you have to treat a child different than the other children because of their disability or when you have to limit other children’s abilities and activities because of one child’s disabilities. I hurt every time I have to think twice to filter something before it’s heard or watched. I cringe every time another child says some teenage crude phrase to my child on the bus and he tells me about it. He’s not sure how to handle it and does the best he can, but in the end the kids get the best of him. When phrases like, “I’ll bet my dick is bigger than yours” and “bitch you can suck my cock” fly off the handle to a disable boy who’s never heard anything like that, you got to wonder how many phone calls will really be enough to the school and bus drivers to try to filter this type of language and behavior. Honestly it comes down to realizing there’s not a filter strong enough to keep the “world” from my boy except to keep him trapped at home. I can’t do that to him and I wouldn’t do that to him.
Recently we had to take him 4 hours away to check his Encephalopathy only to hear from the doctor, “you might as well drop that word from your vocabulary”. They stated he clearly doesn’t have this since in the doctor’s world this just meant he was unresponsive. So to make our awesome trip worth it, we start to discuss a possible auto immune disease he may have and his black outs may be caused by his Epilepsy flaring up again. This poor child!!! We just can’t get a break for him longer than a day. When this appointment does come around, it will take up two days. There will be a 24 hour EEG followed by a ton of blood work and some brain machine that takes pictures of all the layers of his brain to see if in fact there is something there to worry about. Wow! Talk about a vacation with our oldest. Not!! I would rather do this and find there’s nothing there; however so we can finally get off the Neurology department and get back to the Psychology. Granted it would be easier to pinpoint the issues if they were more concrete, but I don’t think I would handle such a health issue very well.
Then come to find out the child is becoming interested in Art again. Yay!!! Any expression that a child is interested in I’m definitely all for. I love that he’s asking to be a part of Art again. You see, for years he almost considered art of any type torture since I used it to help him tell his story of emotions. It didn’t matter how off the wall his drawings or writings were, I let him know it was ok to put whatever he wanted down and color it whatever he wanted since it was in fact his emotions. So it’s actually exciting to see what he’s going to come up with artistically again at this age. I still have so many of his “feelings papers” from when he was only 7 and 8 years old. I try to save all sorts of stuff for him when he gets older and he can see how far he’s come from what he once was. I’ve told him his goal is to get better and when he grows up, he can look his past in the face and say to him, “You did not ruin me with anything you said or did to me and you never will! I am bigger badder and better than you ever will be!!” At least he seems to be excited to do that. I know everything runs by the moment and sometimes if I’m lucky by the day, but I will just have to keep reminding him that it’s all worth it!! Hopefully by the time he is able to be “cured” per say, he will have a new last name to adjust to and be proud of… teehee… they do say practice makes perfect!