I’ve been neglecting to write on this blog these days, because I have recently gotten a wakeup call on life. It’s bad to say this, but honestly I was so upset that I took it out on my blog. I have a lot of followers that I’m sure look forward to reading the newest Lena challenges. I have been tossing ideas back and forth about my writing and my current book that’s out there. I’m kind of shocked that the main audience interest that’s placed itself in the direction of my memoir, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet” are from the UK. I’m also wondering if I should have named it something else. I have a couple years to play with the advertisements and specifically placed tweets about it. That was not my wakeup call unfortunately. My extreme head turning wakeup call that has happened recently had to do with an event that happened in my life causing me to realize again… Life if never what you think it is… it’s only what you make it be.
I’ve spent years trying to impress all kinds of people in my life from family to friends and some associates in between. All the while realizing every tiny detail at a time that no matter how many times I try to go out of my way to impress someone or “win” their liking for whatever reason I see fit at that time, there’s always a brick wall at the end of that long road that I seem to hit my head on. I don’t mean a slight tap to the forehead either. I am talking about a square smack to the head that causes brain cells to fly out your ears. I’m talking getting so dizzy type of hit that seeing double is the least of your worries. I don’t know how else to explain that this awesome blow to the head that I keep getting should put me in a Simpson’s cartoon in place of Homer saying “Doh!”.
Just when you think the coast is clear and all the negative energy has seen its worst and now it time for good times and good thoughts, someone on the “I had to impress” list comes back to haunt with some daunting excuse as to why they felt the need to torture you with their ignorance, stupidity, or heartless bull shit drama. Life is grand and you have everything you have ever wanted with some struggles in-between. Then you are walking along and the nightmare begins again. The words leave someone’s mouth about a character in your past whom you cared so much about and yet they destroyed you anyway they could. Next thing you know details come flying out that start to tear you limb from emotional life changing limb. Things that drop your jaw and make you weak in the knees deciding if it’s time to fight tears or force laughter to handle what’s being said. The disbelief starts in and now you have to decide whether the doubt that lies down deep in your soul has any justification to surface itself outside of the personal pride you hold dearly in your pocket.
Why such determination to try to prove such incapability’s in your own life? Why put forth so much effort to internally destroy what you worked years to try to create a foundation for in the first place? Why not just allow life to live for itself and realize everything happens for a reason? When we make it so obvious that we are out to destroy someone else with no real reason for our angst toward that person other than some stupid jealousy or misunderstanding, we show our own insecurities to those around us whom we didn’t even realize were paying attention. We highlight all the issues we have within ourselves and start building walls between the relationships that we trusted for so long. It’s so easy to do with when we have a “chip” on our shoulders that gives us the reason to have the big head. Whatever reason you carry that you try to convince yourself is the primary reason for being the cold heart dark minded person that you’ve become makes no excuse for the actions you place in front of you.
I hope through all my struggles and family feuds that I never drop to the expectation that the world revolves around me and only me.