Different Day…

So I’ve come to the conclusion that live is only as difficult and depressing as we make it. I have recently had a lot of different events happen to me and my family lately and honestly I’m not sure how we survived. It’s been a roller coaster of events that have happened real recently. Between all the heat issues in the house and my child having to take a vacation downstate, it’s been a real tear jerker. What we’ve had to do to handle this besides standing back and take a deep breath, is taking a look at the bigger picture. It’s hard to sit there and let everything come tumbling down on you from every emotional and financial point of view. Every time we turned around something on the car was going wrong and breaking. Every time we turned around something was going on with our boys. Whether it be an emotional break down or an anger spin. Whether it be a new circumstance that was not warned about and not handled well, or whether it be having to explain all over again why things are the way they are with whomever they are.

When you turn around and dump $800 dollars into one vehicle and then have to turn around and dump another $500 dollars into another vehicle only to find your heat sources for the winter are now having problems. Oh and this problem with your heat sources are going to cost another $1000 dollars. Then let’s not talk about feeding the kids. Food stamps are not being accepted at the meat markets anymore and this awesome amount of money we make tells them we are too rich for food stamps now. How do you tell your kids that they can only eat two plates of food and they have to be careful not to put too much on their plate because we need to make sure there’s enough for the adults too. Now dropping $200 a week out of pocket on food wouldn’t seem like a lot right? Well, it wouldn’t be if the prices of food didn’t go up with smaller portions. Here’s one of the best parts. They want us to stop making our kids and adult obese, but when we try to focus on the healthier food it’s breaking our pockets to even think about it.

So once again, it’s not so bad. We don’t have to worry about anything that rest of the world doesn’t have to worry about. Everyone has kids that they feed and clothe and take care of by paying a babysitter or daycare to make sure they are healthy and happy for another day. I love the ideas of the sports that they want our kids to be involved. It’s awesome to see all the options out there from basketball, to football, to volleyball, to hockey, or even skating. Should I tell you the amounts of money they want you to pay as parents to be a part of these? You get to start with the membership fee. Then you get into the uniforms fees. Then you step into the game fees and the food stand donations. Oh and don’t forget the equipment fee. Then all you have to worry about is your sponsorships. All this in a time frame of about 2 months is all. Not bad… Until you add these up per sport and you are looking at $400 dollars per child per sport by the time you are done. That’s if you keep everything as cheap as possible. Yeah sports aren’t a problem.

Just when we think it’s gotten as complicated as it possibly can, the school starts sending things home for us parents to buy in magazine style or package style. Whether it be pictures, candy, knives, pans, or whatever else they can come up with that we as parents need so bad. Yay!! More to buy. So life with kids in the school system isn’t so bad. Lunch time is a blast. The kids show up at school around 8am and by 10:30am they are eating lunch. Oh no worries, they don’t get out till around 3PM so they will survive. Right? Oh and no snacks anymore either. This is our lovely school system and all the wonderful bills and laws and cuts that have occurred lately. No problem!!

This isn’t to say traveling back and forth to work, sports, shopping, and so forth doesn’t take on a ton of gas which by the way is so much more easy to purchase than it was back “in the day”. Yeah, I remember when gas was under a dollar and the vehicles that use it were actually made from steel… not plastic or whatever other cheaper material they are using these days. So, if a car accident occurred, it wasn’t so deadly … not like today where just the thought of an accident puts someone through a windshield. Hard to say this is all called advancement in technology and making our lives better.

I hear medicine is becoming more advanced as well. Love this! There are so many more types of medicine and practices that will “cure” or “treat” you these days. That’s great right? What if I tell you that these new medicines and practices are ranging between $575 dollars for just 15 pills and $75 dollars out of pocket per visit? Not bad right? Love this! Here’s the best part of this… these pill costs and medical treatments aren’t even the really high intense diagnoses. Then you are looking upward of $900 some dollars for just a few pills. Good thing we don’t “need” these things or anything. When you have a son who’s diagnosed Psychotic, Schizophrenic, Epileptic, and now with a possible D.I.D. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a very long story. I will tell you that this certain disease used to be called MPD. Any clues? I’ll let you think on that one.

At least we love or children with everything we have and don’t have. At least we take care of our children with everything we have and don’t have. I have been that mother that lived in the car with my child and I have been that mother that had to survive in different hotels or kitchenettes bouncing from state check to state check. I have been that mom whose children had to wear the same dirty clothes everyday hoping if I added a sweater or turned their clothes inside out it would not be as obvious. I have been that mom. I was not proud of being that mom, but I didn’t stay there either. I went to school; I put my kids in day care as needed. I continued to search for jobs that would serve both of us well.  Once again, I don’t claim to be perfect or well taught in any way shape or form. I have been there and I have come back and survived. I believe if I can do it so can anyone else who puts their minds to it.

Now, let’s get back to talking about the oldest and yet youngest child in the home. This child was first diagnosed when he was 7 years old with “air friends” telling him what to do and how to harm himself. These “air friends” would tell him to cut his fingers off with scissors and to choke himself as punishment. They would tell him things to do with his stuff animals that consisted of some type of harm to them. They were always putting him down and you would hear him when he was alone in his room, arguing with his “air friends” about how to do something and if he was dumb or stupid or did it wrong. It was quite the thing to sit back and listen to his conversations with himself. He got angry and almost had what seemed like different voices come out of him. There was a mature type male with a clear voice that was mean that you would hear. There was also a little girl type voice that would come out and she was shy. There have been other voices and personalities that we’ve heard since then. It seems we’ve also noticed different hand writing at different points as well from him. There are three significant ones that we are aware of. As far as dressing up, there’s no difference there, but then there is no other clothes outfits to dress up into. We do notice he actively wears certain shirts on certain days inside out on purpose. Also he will wear his shirt backwards for a different look, but I’m not so sure that is significant to the “personality” thing. There’s a certain behavior for each person he tries to be and each one has their own walk.

So, this child takes a trip downstate and end up a week and a half learning all over again what medicine he’s on and finding ways to deal with his “black outs” where he “apparently” hurts himself or others but doesn’t remember. He learned ways to cope with his anger, hatred, fantasies, vision, voices, and so many other things that were going through his head. He finds out that life isn’t so bad after all and he really didn’t want to listen to the voices that were telling him to kill himself and others. (Not that he was listening anyway). He’s thinking more clearly now than he has in a long time. I actually caught a magazine with a puzzle in it that he was doing. Mind you this magazine is one I got him two years ago. The content was too complicated for him and he put it down and hasn’t touched it since. He’s now 13 body and 7 mind years old. This magazine was for 6-8 years old to enjoy. The puzzle was a decoder puzzle that you had to track down the parts of the puzzle throughout the pages and recognize that they went together. Then you had to solve the hieroglyphics that would spell out a sentence. This type of activity in the past would scare him away. This type of activity would cause him emotional distress. He would start freaking out and crying and so many other things. He would get mad or upset and just not be able to handle himself very well.

We do have this awesome test coming to find out more details about what’s going on with him and possibly prove or disprove this “personality” issue he’s got. It’s almost as if each of his personalities per say have their own mental issue. We’ve seen autism, psychotic, OCD, and a few other things have come about as well. You have any idea how hard it is to understand your child and try to explain to others a child you barely understand yourself? The looks you get and the reactions you get when you try to explain the depth of issues this child has and why would have to treat him the way you have to treat him. The disbelief you have to deal with on a daily basis is astounding. Why? The world doesn’t really know what Psychotic means. The world doesn’t really understand a Paranoid Schizophrenic. The world doesn’t know how dangerous or suspicious a child can be at 7 years old who hears voices telling him to do things and sees dead bodies he has to walk around every day to live life.

I have a feeling if I do another book other than the “Secrets of the Velvet Closet; A Memoir” or the poetry books I did, I will do one about the child with “monsters” in his head. I will tell of the experiences he’s gone through and what the family has had to endure to completely be able to take care of him in the best way possible. I will explain all the way down to the day of diagnosis what we’ve gone through good and bad and what has been the rocky road to the so called success we have now. Things have gotten much better than what they were and unfortunately until he’s a grown adult we will continue to fight daily all the demons per say that the child has to deal with.

The constant judgment and ridicule that we all get for a child like this is just sad. We have to adjust our daily lives all the time to make sure his life is comfortable enough to live in without fear. I couldn’t imagine myself being stuck in a scary movie all the t time where the demons and bad people could see me and constantly talk to me in every negative way possible. He got to a point where he actually saw his family member’s dead around him and he had to come give us hugs to make sure we were alive. Again I couldn’t imagine. I love to watch psychological scary movies that are based on true stories; however this movie or story will never end. The only good ending we have is what we make of it and how we look at it in the end. Our end is also our beginning to another day of another type of mental illness that this child has.

You can’t imagine the mental strain on everyday life this puts on us, let alone the mental strain it can put on disagreements for ways of raising him and decisions to make in his best interest. The extreme scream matches that occur quite often over whatever happened that day or whatever he did for whatever reason he may have done it, they get very overwhelming to say the least. Things are said and done in a sense that only very highly stressed out people get to. The one’s that just say “fuck it” at times because breathing is the only thing left that seems right to do. Even that becomes a challenge.

I do have a highlight on life at this moment aside from the rant above. I’ve recently been told by my friend Panda that you are not truly ready to really love and trust someone until you are ready to be hurt by them. The same hurt that many of you have dealt with that includes lying, cheating, stealing, or whatever other schemes that are brought upon a mistrusting relationship. Did you get that? You are not truly in love with someone or ready to be real with them if you aren’t opening yourself up every day all time willing to be hurt by them. You have to trust someone enough that you are willing to be hurt by them and willing to allow that extreme pain to come through in huge amounts. This made me think pretty hard… does it make you think?

Different day… different moment…