So many things run through my head. So many thoughts and visions running around my brain and my world. Those I care about just sitting in pain whether it be physical or spiritual. The hardest part about being someone like me is allowing myself to let go and realize it’s not my job to solve everyone’s problems. I have energies of fear, pain, hiding, deceit and it’s hard to decipher which I’m supposed to listen to and which I’m supposed to ignore. So many colors of lights coming at me. I have so many things trying to run through me that I have stomach pains. I’ve had an upset stomach for a little over a week. Almost like the tank for bad energies and emotions. Releasing should be easier for me than it seems to be. I find myself craving conversations of openness with certain people that I’m having visions and strong feelings about. Why do I see her in pain and hiding it so much it hurts? Why do I feel stomach pains so often I’m refusing to eat every time I talk to her? Why do I honestly feel deceived?
You would think after all these years of caring for someone and being that one person that they can count on, that they would do exactly that. You would think that person would look to you in their pain and despair and finally be honest with themselves and you. I really hate being this special type of person with all these abilities and not being able to do anything about it. It’s so hard to “mind my own business” when I feel it’s very strongly my business. I feel everything happens for a reason. I feel there’s got to be some strong reason why I am seeing what I’m seeing and why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. Surely my partner is causing the feelings of pain and deceit. Surely my kids aren’t causing the pain, but yet I end up taking out my feelings and energies on them and her. Little things add up and don’t make sense but remind me of a past circumstance where lies and pain and deceit were apart of daily life. They caused so much pain and I was to the point of hiding from all the pain anyway I could. If that meant a bottle of whiskey or wine, well then it meant that. No I’m not talking about constantly getting wasted because I couldn’t handle life. I’m talking about particular people doing particular things and thinking I’m blind or stupid and don’t notice it. Then me holding everything back so strongly about everything that I feel sick.
For some reason when you are the type of person I am, you have to learn somewhere someway how to deal with all the visions or emotions that are uninvited. You have to try to understand where these energies and visions come from and decide what you are going to do with them. You have to decide whether you are going to dump them as quickly as possible (per the alcohol) or sit and think and meditate or write or draw or whatever you do to pain some type of picture of what you are seeing or feeling. Someone’s dying pain can be striking you in the heart just as they are feeling. Someone’s diabetic illness could be putting your body into severe upset sugar spells like they are having. Someone’s shame and guilt could be making you feel shame and guilt. The emotions and visions come with no warning and no answer. It’s like those TV shows where you see someone helping the cops solve a murder. The show shows you bits and pieces of colors or words and possible places and then the person helping tells them that’s all they can see or help with. You are thinking “what the?” and “why?”. That’s just it. We don’t know what or why. All we know is we feel and see.
Someone around me is having serious doubts with themselves and serious pain. They are feeling a big cloud of doubt and experiencing some type of deceit. Whether it be with themselves or someone else. This has been going on and on and gotten deeper and deeper. It makes you start to doubt yourself and just about everyone around you. Like someone somewhere is holding something from you that they don’t want to hurt you with. Who could it be? Why not just go to them and ask them what it is? It’s not that easy. To center the energy and realize it’s ok not to know or not to find out. Then what do you do with all this that you are feeling? Energy dump? It sucks and it hurts and none of us want to feel it or see it. All the pain and suffering not knowing who it’s coming from. Not knowing what we can do to help it go away. Then to top it off. I have no back board to start from. I have no mirror to practice in. I have person to walk me through step by step with no judgment or jury with what I’m feeling or seeing. I have nothing. No one. Nada.
I’m confused and lost and hurt. I know somewhere someone is confused and lost and hurt. How would you deal with that? How would you handle seeing or feeling someone’s pain and just know you are supposed to just sit back and allow it with out doing or saying a thing to stop it or understand it? It’s like watching someone get hit by a car in your head and then later on.. watching it happen in real life and just sitting back watching it. You can’t go push the person out of the way. You can’t go hold their hand while they go through it. You’ve already experienced the pain they are going to experience. You have already seen and understood what’s going to happen… but that’s all you are allowed. Why? What’s so special about you? Why do you get chosen to see and feel things about people that you can’t do anything about? My mother used to all the time tell me, “Just know what I know”. This phrase makes so much sense now. This sings words to my heart that I’m not alone.
I have no one to talk to about others pain and suffering. I don’t understand it so how is someone else going to understand it? How do you talk to someone about something you can’t explain what’s going on or what you feel? I feel a stomach ache. Why? What’s wrong? I have no idea. I feel depressed and almost want to kill myself. No! You can’t feel that way. Your life isn’t that bad. Why? I have no idea. I see a deep sickness evolving and it’s getting beyond any control. Where? With who? What happened? I have no idea. You see a trend going on here? You see what I mean? How do you have a conversation with someone about something like this unless you can expect they see or feel the same things and can walk you through what to do next? I share everything with my lady that I know how. I tell her everything and try to be as real as she knows me to be, but sometimes what I feel and see is for me to experience and know about .. not her. Selfish? I don’t think so. I feel the need to protect those around me from knowing the pain and suffering I’m feeling since everyone has their own struggle and their own decision of who they feel can or should handle it. I simply refuse to make that decision for someone else.
I’ve had a lot of things hit me lately as well. I have bills piling up fast that I can’t handle on my own. My child’s disease is getting more and more complicated. My dad is trying his damnedest not to fall apart. My father is pulling further and further away from me since my life decision. My youngest is rebelling per the belief that his father doesn’t care about him. My middle is having confidence issues. My advocacy for my family is getting overwhelming and my job is to sit and deal with it the best I can. All I know how to do is write as much as I can as fast as I can until finally my cup of energy is empty. I’m not even trying to make sense of any of this. I’m just throwing things out there that are coming to mind. They always say things come to those who wait… well I’m waiting… but for what?