May I Still Survive..

Ignorance is bliss or so they say. Makes you wonder what knowledge it takes for that to qualify. I hope someday someone will explain this to me since my whole life I’ve been told I don’t know a thing. The best is when I’m told I don’t understand a thing and yet I’ve been the one walking whoever through whatever. There’s so many symptoms of accomplishment that would end up fake per some type of face front. I guess a friendly smile or a cute chuckle is supposed to take away the awesome obvious details that just don’t line up. Then when complete denial comes into play for fear of being found out or realized, it really sucks. I know family is supposed to be the ones you can count on and for some reason.. mine have always lacked in whatever understanding I was supposed to have about their so called ignorance or uncaring response. I’m always told I don’t understand or I would never know. I’m treated like a fucking moron for what reason? I’m so tired of the drama and games. When does it end? When does the bullshit stop? When can I finally go on living my life with out all the blank faces? The stupid fronts that should mean nothing to me, but secretly I pay close attention.

 

How many times can someone be played and lied to or used and then all of a sudden, the bullshit starts again? Why? How? What happened? Boredom? Depression? How many times can we sit back and play our own little mental games with ourselves to convince someone around us who is supposed to care, that we really do feel we are worth it? Why lose the weight when no one is going to want us? Why find the excuses when no one is going to need to hear them? Why give them compliments when they aren’t going to believe what we have to say? The stutters and stumbling over ones own words and explanations as to why we are doing the stupid shit we are doing. The “I forgot” or “I don’t know” that we try to feed people as to the wrong doing of our own actions in a small hope that someone somewhere will believe our bullshit and leave us alone. I don’t get why all the fake attitudes and freaky suspicions that no one will care. This makes no sense.

 

I watch so many people lie, cheat, steal, and pull little mind games on those around them for the simple reason of not wanting to deal with the truth. Not wanting to deal with the fact that we are lazy or ignorant or just don’t care anymore about whatever is going on and why. This makes no sense. Why not just admit, “I’m over it” or “I just don’t care” or “I’m lazy”. Why the bullshit games and stupid excuses? I hope someway or somehow that one day the truth will prevail. Not to me.. the pain in my heart and in my mind doesn’t matter compared to what someone needs to listen and learn with themselves. The extreme terror all this causes no matter how painful that someone I care about can’t actually admit their fault and try their damnedest to tell themselves the truth.. let alone me. I have so many people that are lying to themselves and me on a daily basis. I have so many people who keep wanting me to trust them with all I have and all I am, but yet I sit back and observe and find their lives are fake or the words are empty.

 

I will probably be fat and ugly and old and useless by the time I realize and come to terms with the fact that people lying, stealing, cheating, or playing mind games is normal human nature and I’m likely to experience at least one of these per each person I know or am acquainted with. It a fun little dream that one day I will find someone who will finally just be 100% real about everything, yet I find myself scared to enter that realm of thought. I’ve done it too many times and too many times I’ve been let down. I do everything in my power to help others around me and maybe my world and meaning in it is to just be walked on and played with and just torn apart so that others can work their way through life and finally find themselves. Maybe my whole purpose in life is to sit back and be walked on and just kept from the truth. I fully believe and deep down know that each of my family members have some type of bullshit reason that they can’t tell me what’s really going on for fear of hurting me. Someway somehow way down deep I do sit back and wait once again for another person close to me in my life to rip me apart limb from limb and piece by piece with out a care in the world… why?

 

It’s so easy to just say we are tired, bored. Misunderstood, lost, or whatever it may be. To look in the mirror and just say, “I love you and those who love me”. The energies tear me apart. The tears beg to fall. The hurt tears me apart so much that I can barely hold back. The pain I feel is almost unbearable. I have so much on my shoulders and so much that is going to happen. What is so wrong with wishing and hoping that one day things will make sense and everyone around me will finally just follow the morality to be “good”?

 

I pour my heart into my children everyday with all that I can. I buy them what they need and I take them where they need to be. I sit back and wait for their report cards and paperwork. I congratulate them on their successes. Yet, the day will come when I have to let go. I pour my heart, mind, and soul into taking care of my parents in all that I can… yet the day will come when they will meet their end as well… May I still survive …

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