It’s hard to realize the emotional breaks that are contained until you are slapped in the face with an emotional hazard so extreme that your cheeks hurt from holding back. There was a conversation that took place that had to do with a lot of ins and outs of my life yesterday. All the trust and honesty and promises that are in a relationship are supposed to be seals of destiny when spoken. Down the road quite a few hurdles send you in a sporadic moment of thought that actually allows you to break those words into tiny pieces, but you just sit idle and wave as the unveil of true colors begins. You think you know someone is how it always starts. You think you understand someone and really “get” them when you live with them or around them and watch them and they make their faults and mistakes that you help them back up from. You are their crying shoulder. You are their relief from reality that they are a FUCK UP! They have done so many things to beg forgiveness from that you’ve actually lost count several times. Yet you were the one who picked them back up and dusted them off and offered your shoulder to cry and snot on when things just weren’t right. What kind of promises are only temporary? What kind of words mean something only in the moment that they are said? What kind of person tells you one thing on a certain day or in a certain time period, then down the road… “it never happened”?
I’ll tell you! The real ones. The real people. The real promises. The real daily duties of human being to not keep their words, promises, and so many of their so-called precious memories that seem so real and valuable at the time. There’s not one promise in the world when made… won’t be broken somehow. I believe this. You are with someone and they make promises of forever and forgiveness and so many other things… then the day comes that realization hits… the words that were spoken are no longer real. You know someone for many years and they might even be family. So many things are experienced and relived. Then the day comes where maturity hits and of course… the truth comes out. I hate when I have dreams of people lying to me or cheating on me. I hate when I have specific names and faces of people who will wrong me with their Bullshit words and the empty promises. I really hate when I put my love and faith into someone and they throw it out the window as soon as I turn my back. I know this is only human, but who’s to say I’m human? Maybe I’m some spiritual creature out of some realm of existence who happened to slide by the scientific data that told someone I was there. Maybe I’m a wandering spirit who’s seen the other side and found a human vessel to remain quietly attained. Maybe I’m just really upset at many things in my life and I have nothing left to do but write about them.
I sit here quietly as the day goes by hour after hour and watch the phone ring with messages and texts, watch the emails pour in with so many political stand points I’m getting dizzy, watch the weather bounce from sunshine to rain within minutes, watch the mail pile up on the table with bills and letters of requests, watch my coffee drip bit by bit from the spout, watch everything happen with in it’s time and wonder WHY. Why did I bury myself with a home I can’t afford? Why did I let all these bills pile up hoping that it would all make sense someday and I would be able to get them under control? Why live in a state where the weather can’t make up it’s mind anymore than I can? Why do I keep caring so much to allow people to live with me and take advantage of me all at once? Why do I think I can save the world? Why do I feel that I’ve gone through so much and I don’t want others to go through the same things? What am I actually waiting for with the final production of my book? What am I actually hoping to get out of it? Why?
I have so many things planned to pay bills, get my paperwork cleared and so many other things. I have so many good intents yet they don’t really match up or even make sense in the end. My stomach muscles hurt from the coughing and crying and love making all at once. My eyes hurt from tears of joy and pain and rubbing them with confusion and distraught. My legs feel all the miles of pacing I’ve done up and down stairs and through out buildings hoping to string together thoughts of completion that actually make sense. My feet ache of momentary acceptance to this withered moment of mental destruction running around frantic with no real explanation or plan of execution. I comb my hair with my fingers and adjust my glasses several times a day bouncing from the sweat of the shot to the sweat of anticipation of the next thought process that will finally make sense. All I want is to be happy. All I want is everything to make sense. Is that really asking too much? Is the reasoning behind all the Bullshit holding any water with all holes that the stories create?
I sit and wait daunting my moments of shame where I said things or did things that really didn’t make sense or hold to my moral frame of establishment. So many thoughts run through my head wondering and waiting for the time to be shown or finally retrieved for their great purpose. I want to write a romance novel that will sell and show numbers and maturity and fame, but I want to stay in the shadows with my writing for fear of being judged by the words and expression instead of coming clean with where my writing originated from. With details that make you squirm and scream in delight and quieted query to your own fashionable desires. I want to see you wiggle and bounce to the silent beat of the romance drum in your head as the words seem to float across the page. I hope to find the resolution of all this pain and agony and complete irony to my own agenda.
Why does it seem every time I open my mouth something stupid always comes out? How can I be so sure of myself when nothing makes sense anymore? I try so hard to revel in the thought that “everything happens for a reason” and “it will be OK”. I dance around my own mental extremes with silent prayer that I’m actually doing something right. Everything revolves around time and money. When did we revolve a world where time and money is so important that you literally can’t live or breath with out it? Why is it so important to “make time” for people or events? Why can’t you just do it? Why is it so important for us to “find the money” to spend time with our family and do things that make each other happy and content? Why can’t we just make that decision to spend time with our family and be superb about our decision? We have to sacrifice so many things as parents, partners, family members, and human beings just to partake in activities that will not only mean the world to those around us, but also make memories that are irreplaceable. We have to find little moments in our world that space just right to make people irrevocably happy and content with no regret of the time spent.
I sit back and hope and wait …. I hope and wait some more… for the day where decisions are a little more spelled out and easy to attain an answer to. I close my eyes and realize day by day things are to get easier and will hopefully be worth the living for regardless of who I made happy or pissed off in the path or in the mean time. Who ever has broken promises or lied or cheated or just plain wronged me will get theirs in the end… Karma is a bitch! I’ll even hold back her hair when she’s vomiting up your Bullshit from the nasty shit she had to swallow!!!
Letters to Myself and Other Invisibles 