Knock knock! Hello! Anyone out there? Just curious since it’s been quite a bit of time that has passed that I haven’t blogged or written anything and frankly I’m feeling kind of guilty. I will assure you however that it’s not really my fault. I was fired from my job for something that was not only uncalled for, but definitely out of my control. I suppose franchises will do that to you. It doesn’t matter what was real either. It matters whatever rich bitch said to whatever 800 number they spoke to with whomever was getting paid at the time to listen to their piddly bullshit about some employee and what they didn’t do at the time to kiss some customers ass!!! Sorry, it’s just how I feel about it.
So not only that was in the way, but I didn’t have any internet at home and blogging or writing anything on a smart phone should be a degree all by itself. I’m serious! If it’s not highly sensitive keys, then it’s some talk to your phone app that writes a bunch of words that you didn’t say. So in other words it’s not an easy task to undertake. Then if you have someone like me that blogs with emotion, try typing all your extreme emotions as fast as you can while screwing up what you are saying with a fancy 500 dollar phone that you now feel like throwing. Whew!! This is wearing me out just thinking about it.
So I have that reason as to why I haven’t been speaking to any of you lately, but also there’s so much to say that there’s not enough words to go around to describe it. Ever have that happen to you? You have so much to say and so much is going through your head and heart and yet you seem numb to any real thoughts that could even try to make sense of it? I have this uncanny ability to pick the right words at the right time when I’m speaking my mind in my blogs. I seem to dig real deep down and grab the most sensitive part of the human being and either poke at it or scream at it or just grab it and bring it to light of the truth of whatever is going on.
I hope with this new time and sensitive depth coming through, I will un bury the extreme hate and disgust that is circling through my mind and heart. I’m so upset about so much that I know I can’t even begin to put it into the right amount of words for all of you. I have this set of roommates that are not only taking advantage of my family, but showing severe signs of abusiveness per alcohol. I don’t care how much you drink and what it causes… it’s never ok to hit children or animals!!!! They can be screaming and hollering and running around or barking, but it does not give you any right or reason to hit them or call them names just because you are drinking. What kills me is I had to deal with this as a child myself, but now watching my kids going through it… it’s literally tearing me apart.
I should have no problem walking through this situation and bringing an end to the abusiveness since I am a mother and mothers are very strong. I should have no problem getting into his face and shouting at him or calling him names like he calls my children or animals. When his anger strikes a chord so thick that I actually witness his hand raising to the chance at striking myself, partner, kids or dogs… it’s so frightening I freeze and hyperventilate. I get flashbacks of all the times I had to deal with something similar. I start freaking out so bad that I honestly don’t have a chance to even act until I am filled with so much anger I break and just pop.
I’m going on two years dealing with this and the only reason I’m still dealing is for the respect of a very elderly woman who this man is with and cares for. I’ve been trying crazy to get him out of my house, but every time I call on a place it’s gone with in 24 hours or he won’t take it. I’m literally pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do. It’s caused me to almost start drinking myself. Thankfully I will be going back to work and will be able to afford the bills better and hopefully I can afford a better solution.
So I had an interesting comment told to me by my son’s therapist. I was called a welfare home. I was told I am too nice and focus on helping people way too much. I was told I need to learn to say no and learn it quick. Wait a minute… I thought this was his therapist… not mine.. I was also told once I do that, I will have an easier road to a better more understanding family situation.
So, with that in mind.. I’m back to work and now my partner is waiting for her go ahead to get back to work. Our three boys are in sports now and everyday of the week is a new struggle to see how we are going to get by with this. We love spending time with each other and our boys, but I think the struggle of getting by and being taken advantage of is more than taking a toll on our family let alone our relationship. Our arguments are getting more and more severe when they are there and our words are getting more and more harsh toward each other. It sends me to tears every time I see her eyes so mean and dark and every time I hear her say she will leave me or calling me names. All this is over money and how badly we are being taken advantage of or lied to on a daily basis.
She’s taking Cambogia as a vitamin to not only try to help keep her weight under control, but come to find out… it’s a happy pill too. Thankfully you can tell the difference when she takes it… she’s much nicer and lovey toward me and the kids. She doesn’t blow up nearly as much or as severe. She even survived a verbal attack from a family member recently that should would usually fall victim to and just blow up with all language and violence backing it up. I was very proud of her.
So with that in mind, I now have my venting ability to gain control of my emotions as well with my writing. I’m still waiting for my book to complete it’s final editing phase. I find myself getting way out of control checking my email and phone all of the time… hoping for the editor to write me with the final copy. Honestly I do believe I’m starting to get a tad impatient. My book has a lot of meaning for me and I really feel that when it is complete, it will touch a lot of lives in a good way.
I’m working on getting someone somewhere to cover my son’s story on his disease or illness so that I can spread awareness and hopefully clear the fear that follows those of his kind. . . that’s the next big venture…