There comes a time when all that’s said and done makes no sense anymore. I don’t understand why my breath reeks of disgust in my own parenting. Why does a very intelligent child keep things so complicated and difficult? Why do I feel so destroyed at my own actions? Why do I feel so empty? Parenting whether motherhood or fatherhood brings its own challenges everyday and taking a deep breath in between diobedient children is something that shows its own issues. I hate that I don’t have the answers. I hate that nothing makes sense. I hate that I’m blamed everyday for things that are out of my control. The anger and frustration builds so fast I see myself in a harmful way. My veins bulge and my chest caves. My fists tighten and my reality spins. What’s right and whats wrong no longer matters in the vision I will never commend. I breathe heavily but barely. I tremble at the thoughts I hold within. I wish somehow I could make things better. How can I get him to understand? I need peace in my resolve. I need a depth of understanding far beyond my reach. I need to know I still matter and my feelings are hurt. The chills run down my spine in such a fashion or speed that my hands tremble to keep up with the heat it wants to give.
The anger within. . .