I don’t fucking understand why I fuck up all the time. I dont understand why I’m always in trouble. I don’t understand the flash backs just waiting to be hit again. Words don’t leave bruises on the skin but in the heart there are scars. My breathing deep and heavy with guilt I don’t understand. Tracing my steps i try to find any reason to keep breathing. I have to continue in some way. I thought I crossed all my t’s and dotted my I’s. Why all of a sudden do the ocd perfectionisms matter more greatly than thet ever have. I have a love so deep I will never understand. I have so much devotion and clarity toward how I feel, yet it doesnt seem to be enough. Not one thing I can do right. It doesn’t seen fair to judge as I’ve never had the condition myself but now I pitty my ex since I was told so many horrible things that happened ro him as a child from his hrandmother who was ocd and had a temper. I never understood the depth and detriment of it until today.
Now that I’ve broken the virgin layer of what people go through with ocd people I have to find a way to overlook this and attempt to find a reason that I’m still worthy of the existence of our relationship. Why do I cry so much? Why do I worry so much? Why is this so foreign to me that I feel as though I’ve been put to a test of a sudden death if I don’t get it right? ??
I swear I’ve done everything I can to make her happy and yet I fall short of the giggle and smile and laughter I miss so much. Why a simple job loss reveal so much? How is it my fault that I lost my job and now all these complications are here….
How do I go about improving myself enough to be worthy of a presence so un detected its almost poison to be in thought of???