… Walking Backwards …

Oh My! So geeked for my taxes this year! So many things I get to get caught up on and it looks like we are going to try to fit our tattoos into or budget this time. So many things we have planned and want to get and take care of. The sad part is … as soon as we get them… they are gone. Snap! Poof! Abracadabra! Gone! There are so many hopes and dreams and wants and desires that are put into play when we hear about this large sum of money that is coming to our doors. I tell you what, if you aren’t great with money or budgeting… taxes will whip you up to shape with that in a hurry. We end up trying to fit every penny into our taxes of everything we want. All of a sudden our needs list gets twice as long and our wants list gets three times as long. Things pop up out of nowhere that all of a sudden need to be done or that we have to have.

 

I’m no different. I do have bills that I have to catch up on in a hurry and my house depends on it. Actually when it comes down to it, I have about 4 months of bills to catch up on. Not on purpose per say, but when I’ve done everything for the last year to help everyone else in my life instead of taking care of myself and family… things add up quick. I have this bad part of me that will give my absolute all to people when they just ask for an extra finger. Someone asks me for a buck and I end up giving them my whole wallet. This is my addiction and I’m not real good at controlling it. I’ve done better over time to make sure I could control myself. I haven’t taken in any more animals for about 4 months. I haven’t taken in any more strays (people) for around 4 months. I haven’t borrowed any money to anyone that I knew wasn’t going to get me back. In fact I’ve been the one doing the borrowing. Ugh!

 

Oh lets see… house payments, land taxes, kids shoes, roof repair, phones, tattoos, loan pay offs, and that’s just to start. We both quit smoking and only puff our ecigs now so of course we have those to get, more wood for our boiler, and kids clothes for new year. Lots of stuff to get and do and no time or money to do it in. LOL. So now our waiting game continues. Oh and did I mention fixing our jewelry and getting more jewelry and possibly a bed? Wow… whew! SO many things to think of. Getting all worn out just sitting here with the thoughts.

 

Of course tax time should be an exciting time of year right? What if it’s showing nothing but bad luck all the way across the board? Lets see car issues left and right, being taken advantage of and stolen from, phones going to crap, bed going to crap, and awesome fights with a full-blown alcoholic. Yes, I said fights. Since I grew up in an alcoholic household, I tend to be real sensitive to any alcoholic environment. I have strict rules that are to be followed when it comes to my house, children, and life. I don’t and won’t drink in front of my children and neither will anyone else. I don’t smoke in front of my children (well I quit) and neither will anyone else. You want to go smoke it’s outside and away from my kids. I don’t allow certain programs or music in front of my children. My kids will have respect for their elders and will continue that respect until they are an elder themselves. I don’t in any way shape or form like to fight in front of my children and I will always back down from a fight that ends up being in front of them… unless it’s to protect them.

 

So this wonderful alcoholic that I speak of has a real bad problem of becoming a complete asshole when he’s drinking. He gets mean and somewhat violent. I’ve had to remind him several time to do things he knows he’s supposed to be doing and I’ve had to speak with him several times about his temper and actions with our children. He’s got it through his head not to touch my partners kid since she will kill him no questions asked. He’s got it through his head not to touch my “special” child or I will be in jail in no time and he’ll have a lawsuit longer than the rest of his life. Now if I could get him to realize that doesn’t give him right to touch the youngest. Granted he tried to claim it’s not that hard and he’s just messing around, but I have a problem with anyone that drinks and claims they aren’t doing anything wrong.

 

He got cornered on it and I tried to be nice about it this time. I wrote a very well-adjusted letter to him and snuck it to him while he was sleeping. This way he could read and realize and hopefully there would be no arguments. Well, that didn’t exactly work. His brainiac self decided to wait just before it was time to leave and get in my face about the letter and how “Bullshit” it was. Mind you I can get real evil when and if I need to, but you really have to push me hard. Otherwise I have to have some type of liquid courage to help my “balls of steel” to deal with a situation like that. I don’t like confrontation and I will avoid it at all costs, but when it comes to my kids… bionic woman coming after you!

 

He decided to test this out this time around and I had no liquid courage to help me with my issue. The biggest problem was he was drunk and starting an argument by waving this paper in my face and threatening the hell out of me. Then he claimed I didn’t understand what he did and why with my kids. So this erupted pretty heavily and of course… in front of the kids. Not good but I think they got the hint that it needed to be done. Something about the visual of their mom going head to head with the mean drunk that’s been hitting them and calling them names … I guess it give some type of surety. Then of course.. my lovely lady wasn’t going to allow him to get all up in my face and start his crap with threats and BS excuses… so they raised their fists up at each other and she jumped in over me. Wow talk about a really dark situation. I started to shake and hyperventilate and just completely lose control. My love came to my rescue once again. I actually kind of call her my little bad ass or my bulldog. I know when that side of her is needed… it comes out… period.

 

So I just received an email that I’m going to share with you… don’t you love how everything happens for a reason? Check this out!

 

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Assertiveness for Earth Angels by Doreen Virtue

Do people take advantage of your niceness? In this groundbreaking book, Doreen Virtue teaches Earth Angels—extremely sweet people who care more about others’ happiness than their own—how to maintain their inner peace and loving nature while at the same time holding boundaries. You’ll discover how to overcome fears about saying no, and how to ask for what you want from those around you and from the universe.

Assertiveness for Earth Angels is for anyone who wants to learn the art of speaking up in relationships and in their activism about issues related to the world. Whether you need more assertiveness with your family, on the job, or in your healing work, you’ll appreciate Doreen’s gentle-but-firm approach to negotiating your earthly needs in heavenly ways!

Order your copy today and receive a FREE audio clip from Doreen.

Go Now to Access »

 

EXCERPT FROM “ASSERTIVENESS FOR EARTH ANGELS”

Earth Angels are “nice” people, with big, open hearts, so they can’t see when they’re involved in toxic relationships. They excuse and minimize other people’s behavior: “He didn’t mean to act that way. He was having a bad day.”

Even more toxic is when Earth Angels blame themselves for someone’s harsh behavior: “if I were nicer [or thinner, smarter, richer, etc.], then he’d treat me better.” This is nonsense! Don’t take responsibility for someone’s cruel treatment.

Earth Angels tolerate harsh and even abusive relationships because they’re afraid of being alone, being in the wrong, or being judged. They force themselves to rise above mistreatment by disconnecting from their feelings.

Dissociation from your feelings does no one any good. It makes you out of touch with your physical body, which can lead you to overeat without realizing you’re full. It can also lead you to ignore symptoms that need immediate healing treatment.

Continue Reading …

DOWNLOAD THE EXCERPT

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This is totally me in so many levels. So Now I’m an Earth Angel… Well that would totally explain my issues. Hmmm… I’m a highly sensitive Empathic Earth Angel… that’s not a mouth full or anything. Kind of reminds me of a song, “Earth angel, Earth angel would you be mine” I think those are the words. Anyway, the only song that has been really sitting in my head lately is, “Love’s the Only House” by Reba McIntyre .. It’s the one I turn to when I just want to walk off a cliff and roll over for the dead. It’s the one I turn to when all I can think of is hatred and anger and sadness with hopelessness weaved in between. When all I want to do is cry and disappear and just can’t find a reason to breathe anymore… that’s my song… Although… there is another one that’s hit me lately… by Pink.. from Happy Feet. The comfort that music brings to the soul especially when I can’t just sit down and write for hours until my little mind and heart just stops.

 

So I’m not addicted to helping people… I’m just a very unassertive Earth Angel… Does that even have a ring to it? Does it even sound cool or catchy? If I’m going keep finding all these things that match me so well and they all have names for them… I should at least enjoy what I’m being called right? To bad I don’t really like to read or I would go get that book and just dive right into it and try to see if I have hope after all. It’s so hard to teach your children lessons when you don’t even feel you are living up to your own.

 

So would you consider me weak? Whether it be weak-minded or just plain weak? Would this be considered an issue for taking into consideration professional help? Well, you are looking at my professional help. I write everything I can get out of my little brain and counsel myself. Then when I notice people are reading and responding to my pieces… I’m done with my therapy. There is always going to be more challenges and I certainly don’t expect to conquer any of them totally anytime soon. I do want to make very clear whether it’s a challenge or just a mental screw up, I am working very hard everyday to make sure my kids live a better life than I did.

There’s another song that now comes to mind and I honestly believe in what it has to say:

 

(Ooh, ooh, sweet love, yeah)

 

I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t love you so

I should have held on tight I never shoulda let you go

I didn’t know nothing I was stupid, I was foolish

I was lying to myself

 

I could not fathom that I would ever be without your love

Never imagined I’d be sitting here beside myself

‘Cause I didn’t know you, ’cause I didn’t know me

But I thought I knew everything

I’d never fail

 

The feeling that I’m feeling now that I don’t hear your voice

Or have your touch and kiss your lips ’cause I don’t have a choice

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have you lying by my side

Right here, ’cause baby

(We belong together)

 

When you left I lost a part of me

It’s still so hard to believe

Come back baby, please

‘Cause we belong together

 

Who else am I gon’ lean on when times get rough

Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone ’till the sun comes up

Who’s gonna take your place there ain’t nobody there

Oh, baby baby, we belong together

 

I can’t sleep at night when you are on my mind

Bobby Womack’s on the radio saying to me:

“If you think you’re lonely now”

Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)

I gotta change the station so I turn the dial

Trying to catch a break and then I hear baby face

I only think of you and it’s breaking my heart

I’m trying to keep it together but I’m falling apart

 

I’m feeling all out of my element

I’m throwing things, crying

Trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong

The pain reflected in this song it ain’t even half of what

I’m feeling inside

I need you, need you back in my life, baby

(We belong together)

 

When you left I lost a part of me

It’s still so hard to believe

Come back baby, please

‘Cause we belong together

 

Who else am I gon’ lean on when times get rough

Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone ’til the sun comes up

Who’s gonna take your place there ain’t nobody there

Oh, baby baby, we belong together, baby!

 

When you left I lost a part of me

It’s still so hard to believe

Come back baby, please

‘Cause we belong together

 

Who I’m gonna lean on when times get rough

Who’s gonna talk to me ’til the sun comes up

Who’s gonna take your place there ain’t nobody there

Oh, baby baby, we belong together

 

Mariah Carey anyone? This song hit home back on December 15th 2011 and it was so real that it just about tore me apart to even listen to it. All my faith was gone and all my hope was released. Everything I thought I knew fell through and whatever I put my heart and soul into as real as can be… now seemed to mean nothing. I didn’t expect to feel the way I did during this month, but I had a wonderful tattoo to keep reminding me of the unbelievable bond I had on December 8th. It was far past any fathom of my imagination to even come close to the idea that I was in fact really seeing my dreams come true… This song hit home so deep that a touch of Blackberry Brandy brought my true feelings out…

 

It was then that I realized everything happens for a reason. I realized all that struggle and fight for life and reason had a purpose. I realized my marriages meant something for someone and my friendships weren’t a waste of time after all. Granted I had really bad judge in character, but I fully believe that was because of my “Earth Angel” side that sees the good in people and wants to believe it’s there all the time. Life is a struggle no matter how you look at it. I know I have many years to go and I just pray that with every fight, struggle, challenge, or move we as a family only get stronger and stronger. I hope in every moment of every day I can remember where I came from and why I’m taking my kids into the kind of world I want to take them into. Nothing that’s not fought and struggled for is not worth it.

 

So as the numbers roll in and the hopes and dreams and wants start piling up, I sit back and patiently wait for the reason we are still climbing uphill in a snowstorm walking backwards for months at a time…

 

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