I don’t attack them so why do they attack me? I don’t knock them so why do they knock me? I will call it as I see it and that can be a character flaw; however I feel honestly that everything should be said or commented on constructively. I don’t get why there has to be so much negativity and why everything has to take blame and sorrow. I teach my boys all the time, you can point fingers all day long but at the end of the day “why didn’t you just take care of it?” When we have to use people’s weaknesses against them to make sure our point sticks as deep and hard as possible, it’s a real bloody pain. It tears you up inside and out and it’s an uncontrollable amount of emotions that exist at that point in time. The anger, confusion, hatred, animosity, irritation, and everything else that either wants to boil up to a fist or down to tears… is sucking you dry! I honestly can’t take enough steaming hot showers to release the amount of energies I’ve been getting lately, but when I lock them down and just keep everything black and white.. people seem to be upset or offended.
Ok, I understand not everyone believes or understands people like me. I get it I really do get it; however I don’t understand it either. I don’t get to choose when I feel energies from people and I do whatever I can to block them so that they don’t affect me in whatever way I feel they will eventually affect me. The problem then becomes “I want to fix them or their problem” so I allow the energies through. What I can’t take is the extreme negativity about my help or the attack of who I am. I know this shouldn’t matter, but when you watch a scary movie and you’ve never watched it before… don’t you jump when the music gets loud… don’t you crouch when someone gets beat… don’t you cry when someone important in the story dies… when someone gets cheated on or you hear people scream bloody murder from their own fears… doesn’t that make you uneasy? Well, do you choose to feel that way? I’m sure some brain work someone in your thought process does some type of decision-making, but do you actually consciously sit down and think I’m going to freak out right now? No! It just happens… you deal with it when it comes. The best part of this is when the movie is over, so are those emotions. You move one… right?
Now imagine carrying that pain or fear or hurt throughout your days and nights and feeling everything from that movie deeper and deeper and over and over like you can’t turn it off… your mind and body are like out of control you. You can’t get the vision of that woman getting her face beat in out of your head… you can’t get the sound of the baby screaming from being beat out of your ears… you can’t stop the sick feeling way down deep that you got when you saw that child or woman being taken advantage of. How do you control it? How do you clear it? How do you handle it? You can’t turn it off cause you aren’t watching it anymore.. so do you drink it away…. drug it away… sex it away… take it out on everyone else? I’ll tell you what I do. I shut down and write it out when I can. Everything that comes to mind without rhyme or reason of what makes sense or not… I just get it all down and blog it. Then when I feel empty of it all… I go home and take the most scalding hot shower I possibly can handle outside of burning my skin and clear my energies.
Why do I do these things? I was never brought into this world by anyone or shown what it was that I “was” or what was going on with me. I was never introduced to who I was from the beginning. I was never taught, coached, warned, or anything. I woke up one day and started realizing what i saw, felt, and so forth.. was NOT NORMAL!!! I was made fun of and called a liar and had to learn the hard way that this was not exactly everybody’s dealt hand in life. So I got on the internet and started to search for what it was that I was feeling and seeing and experiencing. No I don’t believe everything I see or read on the internet and it took years for me to come to be comfortable with who or “what” I was. I had talked to several people whom were experiencing the same thing and all of them came out to be either Empath or Wiccan. Now do I identify with either.. well I’m realizing it’s ok to know I’m Empthic with very high sensitivities. Wicca is a whole new venture that I’m not thoroughly in understanding on. This could be because I was raised Christian and that was shoved down my throat crazy. It could be that I’ve heard how unaccepted Wiccans are still and I don’t want to fall into that fire anymore than I did when I finally came out of my “closet”.
Honestly I’m not sure either. I do know I was told today by someone who I deeply love and respect that i need to get a mentor. Ok no problem! Wait, you can’t just go to some church for that. You can’t just look in the phone book for that. You can’t just go and put one on layaway at Kmart. YOu can’t just put an ad on Craigslist for that. Shit, I can’t even say out loud that I’m three extremely uncomfortable people in one. Not uncomfortable for me.. for THEM. I’m a lesbian with Empathic abilities who grew up in a very abusive situation. Wow… there’s so many reason to be negative toward me. I don’t mind answering questions and I don’t mind the ignorance of people. I do mind the in consideration of a supposed knowledge with disrespect wrapped so tightly through it all, that it causes me to shut down. I do mind the attack of words every time anything is stated almost as if using it like some “I see ghosts” gig. I do mind when it’s used against me and I have no way of fighting back per respect of myself and what I know if I do put my mind to it…. what I’m capable of.
I do know what I’ve done to people in the past without even trying and ended up in a bad way. I know if I focus hard enough on someone and really seriously delve way down deep that I am capable of altering their life in some way… because I can feel them. I don’t know why… I don’t know… I didn’t take a course… I didn’t learn from the movies… this is just the way it is!!!
So would I love to find a mentor that had a clue as to what I was going through and could help me understand and learn to control… absolutely!!!! You bet your ass I would! What I wouldn’t do to have my own personal mentor to go to and say hey.. “this is what i felt and saw, please dispel it from me. . please translate this.. please allow me to let it go…” How many people can honestly say they felt a man die that they didn’t even know? Again, I didn’t try or focus on this…. it just happened. I’ve been told by a few very strong people in my life and in many walks of their lives, that I’m a very powerful person. I’ve also been told to be careful who I befriend because with the right capabilities and knowledge I could be a very valuable person (per my gift) in the wrong way. So if you were told you had this wonderful gift that everyone wants and wishes for, but then told you could help someone destroy some very beautiful things or people is used the wrong way… how the fuck would you feel?
Now another thing has been brought to my attention lately… I have an issue with needing or wanting approval or acceptance. Was I aware of this … no. I do know when I’m with someone or have family, I try to gain some type of approval or acceptance so that I feel I have worth of being there. Movies and shows give you this false sense of belonging and when you grow up looking forward to watching those shows and movies more than dealing with your own family, you know way down deep you are hurting. Then you get older and realize show business is built up of fake images and people and situations. They are meant to put you into this dream world of events and people who you get to learn a lesson from or have a happy ending with. So why the disappointment when we realize it’s not there? Like a child finding out there’s’ no Santa Claus or the real reason why daddy or mommy never came back home. We put all this faith into what we are raised with or by and when we grow up and face the real world… everything we put our heart and souls into …. falls through like the cold water it was built from.
So do I strive for acceptance? In some cases yes. Do I strive for approval? From those I feel are bigger, better, badder, more experienced, more knowledgeable, more open-minded, or more of an all around person than me… yes I do. I feel if they are all that and a bag of chips and if they approve of me… I can’t be that bad after all. I’ve been knocked down my whole life and torn apart my whole life by everyone from my own flesh in blood to my best friends. I was told by one of my best friends, “everybody lies, cheats, and steals. no one is perfect. just some people are better at not being caught. so deal with it and just move on. it’s life.” For some reason, I have a very hard time believing in this statement. I don’t believe everyone is the same liar or cheater or thief. I don’t believe you can expect the same BS from everyone. Yes, people do make mistakes and I get that.. boy do I get that… however I feel mistakes happen for a reason so we can learn and move on. That doesn’t mean to continue the same bullshit lies or cheating or stealing. That means, “Hey I fucked up, my bad… I will try my best not to do it again”. Wow! How fucking hard was that?
I guess it comes down to the fact that I just think different from everyone else. I learn that more and more all the time. I have to realize that I don’t have that awesome group of people I can go to and say, “remember when we both seen this or felt this or realized this” I have to jump on my blog and just write until all the shakiness stops and all the twitching stops and all the tears stop and all the emotions quit rolling… then go home and jump in the HOTTEST shower possible and just allow everything to drain. Sounds weird and believe me… I didn’t read it in a book… I found out on my own. So this is me.
I know I shouldn’t take things so personal and I should learn to control my issues. I’m trying. Believe me I’m trying. There’s always steps to conflict resolution. Whether it be with someone else or yourself. I’m taking the steps I know how. I don’t have anyone out there that can just take me aside and say, “I understand and this is what you need to do”. No I’m not a child so to speak, but we all get to learn more and more everyday about ourselves and I’m not stranger to that. I have no shame in admitting I’m still learning who I am and why I am. So I’m being told it’s possibly a jealousy thing. Well, I do remember being told when I was in Kindergarten that if she’s mean to you.. she’s jealous.. and if he’s mean to you… he likes you. Are we still in this behavior though? Do we still have this mindset? I thought we were all adults?
What do we gain from talking behind everyone’s back about their weaknesses? What do we gain from playing off we are perfect and not fessing up to the very bad things we’ve done or said? How can we call ourselves rightful parents or human beings if we can’t even own up to what we are saying that very well could be tearing someone else a part? I try to be very aware of how I’m making people feel and I don’t like the feeling that I can’t or won’t get along with someone because of one of our character flaws. I don’t want to feel that I’m attacking, but I have no problem in calling people out anymore. Does it take me a bit to get to that point? OH YES! I don’t like confrontation at all! I can’t stand the feelings I get from the other side and the intentions that I feel before I get there.
I had a meeting today and I will tell you what, I started feeling what was going down a good hour before I got to the meeting. I swear if I thought I would have gotten away with it.. I would have taken a few shots of brandy before I came in to the meeting .. just to calm the energies and be able to speak correctly when spoken to. The worst for me is… looking someone in the eye during conflict… that window to the soul can be harsh if you aren’t prepared. I’m not even prepared for myself half the time.. like I’m going to be prepared for someone else… during a conflict no less.
Ok, so i think I can breathe now … we’ll see…