Well, because of a recent turn of events… I will be blogging a little less often. I am trying to keep up with my emotion blunder of thoughts releasing so that my sanity may remain intact; however being a recent informant has allowed me their own plan of action… I will be releasing another way. The loss of a family member is a hard thing to swallow. Whether the family member be blood or not… no difference or matter. The loss doesn’t even necessarily need to be death. The loss can merely mean they are no longer in your life for whatever reason they feel is pertinent or necessary. I will be trying to adjust to this in my own way. I feel at this time that there’s nothing I can do to change this like I have in the past. I feel like I made my bed and now I have to lie down in it and relish the anger and hatred toward myself for allowing it to happen.
I feel my insides being torn apart and thrown to the ground in an instance that almost seems pointless to mention besides the fact it will affect everything I know today. I’m already stuck taking countless pain meds to make my pains go away that I am waiting on surgery for. I’m already stuck living with an alcoholic that brings back the fears of my childhood every time the first of the month comes around. I’m already stuck dealing with a man’s complete mess ups and mistakes that he considered as raising a child… while learning more and more every day about this young man’s disability. I’m already stuck with a house and seems to be losing it’s purpose and foundation faster than any thought was there of getting it in the first place. Every time I turn around something stupid is happening that brings is worth down to a minor halt of “OH SHIT”.
It’s not about the blood of the situation, it’s not about the many years of the situation, it’s not about the complete idiocy of the situation, and it’s not about the ignorance that caused the situation. It’s about the plain and simple fact that I’m getting to a point in my life to realize I can’t “help” anymore. I have to focus on my boys and myself. I have to focus on what’s right in front of me and make sure it all works and makes sense before I jump to what I wish I could handle or do anything with. I wish so much I could be the one to help my mother through her sickness and debt that she’s already claimed bankruptcy once on. I wish I could keep her from constantly going to get more beer or going to the casino one more time to hope for that jackpot that actually might pay another house payment.
Here’s the catch on this one though. She has an issue with taking her extra money and buying beer, going to thrift stores, or hitting the casino. I have an issue with taking in people and pets that I definitely can’t afford and shouldn’t try to bring down my own family in front of me to help others. I’m in the situation I am in only because I was a loving caring wonderful type of person that said “come on into my house” to several people. The awesome part of all this was: they used my electricity, my home, my food, dogged my children, neglected my animals, and broke my rules. All of this on the count of “I didn’t know” or “There was nothing I could do”. So what does my dumb ass do? I ok it and like a spoiled child… slap their hand lightly and tell them not to do it again. What I should have done? GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!
So my very awesome big-hearted self doesn’t have the ability to treat people like that. Hence the reason why it’s real easy to take advantage of me. It sucks to see this years down the line, but what can you do until you can actually sit down and admit to yourself what your own problem is. Now the rescuing of my family…. does not rescuing them anymore see me as heartless and not understanding? Does it mean I don’t care anymore or I have given up? I know down deep I cry every time someone tells me about being stuck or in trouble or almost homeless or hungry or cold. I know I sit and have to think to myself all the time … “should I help them?” or “should I open my doors again?” or “should I sit this one out?”. Unless you have a serious problem like I do with helping people and animals all the time, you probably won’t understand this to any extent. Most people I talk to about it are like, “so tell them to leave” or “why did you let them in to begin with?”. Most people don’t understand my serious addiction to helping people.
I know most of you are not going to get this at all, but I will tell you the same internal struggles my mother has as an alcoholic as to whether or not to buy a 12 pack or pay a bill; is the same type of struggle I find myself with helping people. Do I pay this bill or do I buy them clothes, food, a vehicle, tools, or whatever the case may be? I have to seriously sit down with myself all the time and ask myself what part of my life is actually unneeded. What is more luxury than need so that I can help those who need to be helped. This means I’ve gone through my share of dogs in my life and all of them were rescues of some type. For the most part, I rescued them and made them better and rehomed them. Did it hurt? Hell ya it hurt! My animals are my family and my children and I attach to them pretty quickly and tight. It killed me to let go of them and allow someone else to show them the love and attention that they deserve.
For humans I have the same issue. I allow myself to be taken advantage of and lied to and stolen from and my house to be trashed and so forth to help people when they are hungry or homeless or if anyway that a child is involved. Can you even imagine how many times I’ve been clobbered with fleas, lice, and roaches? All these things come with those that were in hard times one way or the other. I’ve learned this the hard way too. Still trying to rid of the roaches and fleas, but I made it through the lice at this point. Granted the roach issue isn’t huge but with these temperatures it’s big enough. They should not be able to live through all this really cold shit. The flea situation is generally a given when you take in any animals that is “unknown”.
So with all this in mind once again; you would think I would learn my lesson and just stop helping people right? No! Not me! I have to feel the burn of loss and resentment when I complete a project I’ve been yearning for. I have to allow that shit to settle like baking fresh bread. Then if anything disturbs it (it usually does) then I have to sit back and watch myself plan another project to accomplish with the same guidelines, but different people. Any of this sounding a touch familiar or repetitive? Just curious!
Loss in my life is something that almost has become a daily chore. If I don’t lose something or someone I am almost lost myself. Just like being in an abusive relationship. When someone is abused for so long and then all of a sudden they are not being abused anymore… they feel empty right? That’s kind of where I’m sitting at when I am taking in people or animals or spending money that I definitely don’t have to take care of other people’s family or kids. I’ve had up to 8 people, 4 dogs, 2 cats, and a ferret living in a 2 bedroom slop house for an apartment. How the Hell did I do that? I told you I had an addiction. Very carefully like playing tetris. A very uncomfortable thought will now cross your mind as I give a slight detail that very few people know about. This particular time in my life, I was with my husband whom gave me my beautiful weebit. However his father (my dad) was sleeping right in the same room with his bed right next to our in our little room. It might have been a few inches lower than ours. So that was a wonderful time when you wanted some type of alone time. “Sssshhh he’s sleeping, he won’t hear a thing”…
Now, if that doesn’t show my weakness to allowing people to be in my life and home and apart of me with no regard to my own health and well-being or financial status then I don’t know what is.
Now that that is very particularly stated and out of the way…