“My anger and frustrations toward her, isn’t worth losing her”
This wonderful phrase gave me a bit of a wake up call about my relations with my lady. I heard this from a friend, coworker, and man whom was sharing his issues with me about his lovely lady. He was talking about how hard she can be to deal with and the frustrations he gets by not understanding why she does what she does, then in the same sentence told me after 1 year he knows everything there is to know about her and it’s all uphill from there. Here’s my confusion… who actually knows their significant other after only being with them 1 year? I know most people don’t start showing their true colors in the first year. We all have “true colors” that we don’t show for fear of hatred, judgment, or ridicule of our decisions or personality at the time. Usually it’s for some type of awesome impression that we are trying to pull off for someone.
I can honestly say I thought I knew someone after 15 years and they still surprised the hell out of me and we were tight for a long time. Again, thought I knew someone. So now that I woke up one day and realized I didn’t know much about them after all, I know to watch out and keep my eyes open all the time. I never know when there’s a life lesson to learn and who its’ going to come from. So when this wonderful gentleman had stated he knew all there was to know in the first year, I wasn’t sure if I should be supportive of his statement and have pride in the fact he was close to his lady or have pity on him that he was actually that ignorant of his own guilt that he didn’t know his lady. I’m not trying to be hypocritical in any way on this statement. I honestly did learn something from him when he was talking to me about this. I know everyday I wake up is a new lesson on both my partner, my three boys, and of course myself. I learn things all the time about myself that I never knew and at my age, that’s quite the accomplishment to keep learning. As far as my partner, two years in and boy am I learning things about her.
We all get into fights and arguments in our relationships. We all have to realize our place in an argument or venting spell when it happens. We have to see ourselves firing back or sitting back and letting all the words spout. It can be screaming, punching, name calling, or even threatening to leave about once a month… we have to find our spot in the conversation and really dig deep into ourselves as to what our purpose is. I know lately I’ve been struggling to find my purpose in the arguments or venting spells that happen lately. I am researching and writing and walk away and keeping myself busy and making excuses to everyone why things are the way they are, but lately I really am finding it hard to find my place or purpose in this little moment of frustration I have with my family. How many relationships do you know that will sit there and see a wall and walk the other way instead of finding a way around it or waiting for it to come down? I know it’s hard to be loving and patient like that and I know I’m a rare commodity that can and will do this with people.
This is why is you read my book and wonder “why did I put up with all that”… it’s because I have a knack of waiting for those walls to come down or trying like hell to find a way around them. I’ve been working my ass off with my boys and trying to give them the life they deserve in every way I can and getting to know them more and more everyday they give me hugs or come to me with a secret. So, I know I have my hands full as far as that goes, but welcome to being a mother. I have no complaint on that at all. My complaint at this point is with myself. I can’t seem to find what amount of anger, frustration, confusion, violence, swearing, or threats that I can take to finally watch it water down to minimal misunderstandings. I feel like I need to take on the world and I do take that challenge every day. Perhaps it’s because I have been raised to be strong and not let anyone bring me down. Perhaps it’s because I have been raised that “can’t means you don’t want to” and “where there’s a will, there’s a way in the ways and means committee”. I’m sure most of this makes no sense to you. I don’t really expect it to at this point. Again, I can’t explain here where all this comes from each time I write it. That’s why I put it all in my book.
So how many times do you have to hear “I’m might as well leave” before you lock down and decide you “might as well wait for it”? Just curious as to what my strengths are compared to what they should be. I tell my boys all the time I am not going anywhere and if I can help it, neither is my lovely lady. How much can I control this? I can’t! I can bend over backwards and step down and keep quiet and try whatever I want to, but when it comes down to it… I can’t keep her from going anywhere. To be honest, if someone is constantly telling you they might as well leave, doesn’t that say to you…. They want to leave? I keep being told that’s untrue, but once again my stubborn self was raised a different way. When my mother raised us, we were told we don’t say anything unless we mean it. Then if we meant it, make sure we make it REAL clear that’s what we mean.
So this means “might as well” didn’t exist! There is no “might as well have said” or “might as well have done” or “might as well have meant”… If I want something to be said, done, or meant…. I will damn well do it they way it’s supposed to be done… CLEARLY!!!!!
It takes a lot to get me fired up and lately I think that wall of double duty defense is slowly going up farther and farther to keep myself from going off about everything. I have so many people who just take take take and then assume that it’s ok to do so. Then I have a few two-faced people who clearly have the world around them fooled and boy am I stuck with that. There’s only so much you can say to someone who’s very clearly two-faced, before it comes firing back from a different direction and you already know who it came from. Again, walls further and further up. Again, if I need to say something to someone badly enough that it really needs to come clear and effect them correctly I will say it!