All These Pain Killers… For What?

English: Endometriosis of the right ovary Deut...
English: Endometriosis of the right ovary Deutsch: Endometriose des rechten Eierstocks (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

So I have recently been involved in some serious decision-making lately and I wanted to get all the frisky details under wraps before it all goes down. For several years, I’ve been dealing with Endometriosis and Anemia. Both of which don’t necessarily have to be that bad. The endometriosis causes huge amounts of pain that are complete shocks and uncalled for at different times of day or night. It took me three years, four doctors, and 6 or so visits to the ER or similar to get someone to finally buckle down and find out what was wrong with me. I was told by so many people who I was having bowl movement problems and gas issues. I know I have problems in that area, but I also know when I go. So I fought this tooth and nail for as long as they would let me continue speaking my thoughts, opinions, and facts about it.

 

I would be sitting there watching TV or just Chilin with my kids and all of a sudden out of nowhere a severe streak of pain so bad hit my pelvic area that it would drop me to my knees screaming and crying. Mind you I’m not good when it comes to pain anyway, but this was ridiculous. I hate pain pills and the way they make me feel. I’ve always hated that HIGH feeling because it always puts me out of control of my words, actions, and overall life. I’m sure it might have some to do with the fact anytime in my past that I was supposedly “high” on pain pills, I was taken advantage of. When I did come around it always came down to the cold hard facts of “my fault” for letting them/him do it to me. So when I take them and feel out of control of my life in any way, I always panic hard-core. Now imagine with that panic feeling and having to weigh that with the amount of pain it took for me to start taking those pain pills like candy just to deal with it.

 

I’m talking about T3’s, T4’s, Tramadol, Percocet, Dilodid, Naproxen, and of course the basics like Motrin 800 or whatever else I could find. While I’m dealing with these high up medications and pain killers, I finding out which one’s my body can handle and which ones it can’t. I did find two pain killers that I was allergic to, two pain killers that shut down my body and mind completely, and two that worked well together for the pain. Here’s the fun part about the whole process. I don’t get to know the pain is there until it hits. I can be driving, walking, working, playing, sleeping, and all of a sudden BAM!!!!!! Pain central!!!! Now to take the said pain killers and get them to kick in as I’m realizing the pain is now there, I have to wait the ½ hour or 45 minutes it takes for the pain killers to kick in. That’s the only real great part about going to the ER when the pain gets that bad or I don’t have anything for the pain… is when they give me something for the pain… it’s injected. Oh wait… did I tell you I can’t stand needles? I guess I might have forgotten that detail right?

 

So with this lovely picture of me dropping to my knees and immediately busting out into tears, whoever is sitting around me hopefully knows what to do. This encourages quite a bit of human contact real quick. I need my good set of pain killers, muscle relaxers, and someone heavy enough to push down on my pelvic area long and strong enough to take that bit of pain away while the pills are kicking in without killing me in the process. Wow!!! What a mouth full right? Head full maybe? I had actually gotten to a point of pain that I was not only on pain killers, muscle relaxers, and in a hot bath (naked obviously), but I also had three people taking turns pushing on my pelvic area while I was in the hot bath waiting for my pills to kick in. You want to talk about embarrassing? Everyone kept telling me, “there’s nothing to be embarrassed about” and “we care for you”. I understand you care for me and you understand my pain ritual, but it’s still extremely embarrassing. Not sure if the embarrassment ever outweighed the pain though.

 

Now back to this wonderful scene… I’m in pain and I’m doing this well-known pain ritual for three years until finally someone paid enough attention that they started actually putting me through tests. HOLY neighbor of God!!! Someone was here to listen and actually try finally! After several tests coming out negative or clear, I finally got one last thing to try… Laparoscopy for last hope. Tadah! They found a cyst on my left ovary and endometriosis and scar tissue on my right ovary. Ok so they removed everything they can at that time without removing the ovaries themselves. I told them countless times they might as well just remove the whole package. It’s not used anymore. They almost killed me with my little preemie and the awesome severe preeclampsia that I encountered that took both of our lives. So get rid of them! Doctor …. Lovely wonderful doctor… says NO! Are you freaking kidding me? Do you know the history I have with these things and the pain they are putting me through? Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a mother when you are all doped up and naked in whatever bed or bath you fall into for long periods of time to gather yourself until the pain subsides?

 

I fought and fought and fought and I was still told NO. So a very well spent year later… guess what comes back? Not hard-core yet, but still there and still hurts and of course I go back in for a doctor’s appointment. Now, after a lot of hustle and bustle… they look at me again and tell me I have a circular mass on my right ovary that doesn’t look like a cyst or endometriosis. They tell me that this mass could possibly be dangerous to my health, but they aren’t going to jump to conclusions. So blood tests are ordered to clear the obvious and this time I’m told the pain is driven my Estrogen. So now they put me on birth control to curve the pain in hopes I won’t push to get my insides taken out. Here’s the problem once again. My body doesn’t handle things very well. So when I was having any type of sex with men at a younger age and I tried the different birth controls… they made me sick. I’m not just talking puking. I’m talking dizzy, tremors, stomach ache, and so many more things. I was told once again by a doctor that my body couldn’t handle the hormone levels they put into me. So we stopped them.

 

Now I’m older and my body should be able to handle something like that right? The lowest hormone around is the “ring”. Of course this is what the doctor ordered and this is what I’m told. “Try this for the next 6 weeks and if it doesn’t work then we will go back and look at our options”. Essentially if it didn’t take away the pain, it made me sick. Which meant to come off the hormones and go back to my pain killers.. which after a year.. I’m finally running out of. So now I get to call the doctor back and let her know that this “ring” didn’t work as I told her it wouldn’t and wait for my new pain-killer scripts to help me pull through and survive the next six weeks till they go back in to look at this mass they can’t identify as well as possible FINALLY remove the right ovary. Holy Minolies Batman!!!

 

Doctor tells me they don’t want to remove the whole system because I would go into complete Menopause at such a young age…

 

In the months or years leading up to menopause (perimenopause), you might experience these signs and symptoms:

 

  • Irregular periods   ( they never are)
  • Vaginal dryness  (always had this problem)
  • Hot flashes (this would be a miracle… anemia anyone?)
  • Night sweats (again… I would love to be warm instead of cold all the time)
  • Sleep problems  ( always had these.. my energies don’t let me sleep)
  • Mood changes  (don’t know why… but always had this complaint..)
  • Weight gain and slowed metabolism  (this one might suck… but hopefully she still will love me)
  • Thinning hair and dry skin  (I already itch myself to death… and I don’t have hair… )
  • Loss of breast fullness  (I haven’t had this since my weebit… skipped my generation ;( )

 

 

 

So as we can see very delightfully… I would rather have the good amount of these problems than the pain I get… oh did I also mention CANCER runs in my family?

 

I might have forgotten to mention that one. I had a sister with leg cancer, an aunt with ovarian, and a cousin with breast… so yeah I can’t wait to wait six weeks for this mass to show it’s face more clearly and deal with the pain. So in the mean time I’m still here deciding each day what I should be doing or working on that takes my mind off of my pain, mass, and possibilities.

 

Yes, I know with age and time and as our bodies process the things that happen to us… things break down and die or whither or just plain quit working. Then the tests, biopsies, surgeries, and extra pills and vitamins and so forth come in. I know when we take certain parts of ourselves out of the regular cycle of things… we are messing up the rotation and who knows what can happen otherwise. I still have this awesome thought in my head that surviving CANCER is not something I want to have to experience and let alone find out too late as most do, but somehow way shape or form if I can just get this part of me removed for even a year or so with no pain and no worry of dying before my children due to ignorance or negligence… then it might …just might …be all worth it.

 

 

 

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