Face the Fright?!

Words (Photo credit: sirwiseowl)

Ok if I wanted to call you a Bitch, I would have called you a bitch! If I wanted to call you an Ass, I would have called you an Ass! There’s so many things that come out of your mouth toward yourself that Is said in a manner that they were meant by someone else. It hurts when I hear so much negativity from you and all I want to do is cry for you over and over again. I hate that you were called so many things for so many years. I hate that you never experienced true love from someone for you and only you. I wish I could have taken over years ago and shown you what you were worth and it didn’t include hiding in sex, drugs, or alcohol. I feel you are worth so much more than that! I feel your pain every time you talk to me and put yourself down with words that scream abuse in some way.

You’ve said you had great parents and had the fortunate life of never going hungry, never being hit, never being knocked down, being taught to cook, being taught to hunt, being taught so many things needed in life, and yet when you speak to me in the way you do about yourself… it screams detriment and abuse! Maybe not by your parents as they are both wonderful people with big hearts. Your mother may come off strong and harsh, but I know she’s got a good heart and means for the best. Your father is an open soul with his heart on his sleeve for those he truly cares about. Your abuse didn’t come from your parents…. It came from relationships and yourself. It’s easy to knock ourselves down when we feel we should be better. It’s easy to see the negative when that’s all your shown for so long. It hurts to see the positive after so much darkness has been placed and kept in your life and heart for so long.

I understand these things. Just like those kept in a basement or indoors with no sunlight for many years… then when they do come about into the light or see some type of sunshine it’s a shock! The their minds, body, eyes, heart can’t handle it right away. It almost seems safer to go into the darkness and stay there again regardless of the fear or torture it may have caused. When our lives have become so engrained into what’s been pounded into our head, it’s real hard to make that change and see that that light is not going to be harmful to us. Women or men who are in abusive relationships who get hit, raped, molested, cheated on, lied to, or whatever else… they want out so bad and can’t stand what someone has done to them. They beat themselves up after a period of time telling themselves that they deserve it in whatever weird demented fashion that they convinced themselves to make sense of it.

Just because you are a big man or woman does not make you FAT! Just because you were in special ed doesn’t not make you RETARDED! Just because you had many partners in life does not make you a SLUT or WHORE or PLAYER! Just because you have a tendency to get upset in situations that get blown out of proportion does not mean that you are an ASSHOLE or a BITCH!!! These things are drilled so far into our heads by our raising, our peer pressure growing up, our famous magazines of people we all adore and want to look or be just like, or our coworkers that we do our best to get along with regardless of what happens to keep our jobs. These things are so far drilled into our heads that we have to analyze everything we say and do and categorize it or something is wrong with us. Some stupid diagnosis has to be said or some wordy explanation that is supposed to make sense to someone who categorizes why we are the way we are!

When you are in an abusive relationship this all doubles and triples and makes such an appearance in our lives that we become whatever is being said to us. We become the SLUT we are being accused of! We become the cheater we are being accused of!! We become the RETARD we are being accused of! We become the PLAYER we are being accused of! We become the FAT slob we are being accused of! We become the ANOREXIC that we are being accused of! We get to a mental point of exhaustion trying to fight whatever we are being trained to think about ourselves that we just overall give up and join the fight against ourselves. Then depending how long it is that you or I have been constantly conditioned or engrained with the negativity that is being poured down our throats, is telling how long it’s going to take to be able to handle it when it’s all taken away. Someone walks into your life and pulls you out of the disgusting filth that was called a relationship and you FREAK!!! WHY?? Why not just finally appreciate your own dream come true that it’s all over? Why not stop looking over your shoulder for that evil person or situation to appear again?

Our own paranoia kicks in so strong that we convince ourselves that our behavior is normal and we have plenty of reason to act or believe what we do. Those of you who have been there know what I’m talking about when I say… seeing that light at the end of the tunnel burns the eyes and scares the heart! Believing it’s all over and you are now in a better place is a serious struggle. What you have engrained into your life or mind or heart is no longer valid and you must believe and be taught all over again what you are worth and why. It takes a very loving open-minded person to walk into a damaged beings life and take on everything they have been and everything they are and everything THEY WANT to be and not try to change a thing about them! It takes a very truly loving real person to open an abused past and help them realize that world is gone. Then to walk through the steps of slowly moving on and finally enjoying the light that has come to them. Yes of course one day at a time!

When such evil negative and self-hatred comes from someone’s mouth that I love it hurts. Being a newly realized EMPATH it’s even more of a challenge. It’s an even harder realization that there’s nothing I can do about the energies I get being a mother, sister, daughter, partner, wife, or friend. I get to stand by someone and get closer and closer to them letting them into my family and life and soul and watch as their energies soar from good to bad or bad to good depending on their own trust or self reliability. Having such a deep connection within myself and the outer world and no choice in the matter as to what I get to know or feel from people is a constant struggle with my problem or addiction of wanting or needing to help everyone I can. Then to hear someone I deeply care about and love so truly and purely that it almost hurts as my own pain when my EMPATHIC abilities kick in and I feel so much more than just the hurtful words that are coming from their mouth!

It’s one thing to say things joking around or playing with words for game, but it’s a whole other when the words are accompanied by tears of pain or anger. How do you not take offense to the words that are coming from someone you love’s mouth when they state so clearly to you how those words mean to them?

“I’m such a bitch!”

“I’m such an ass!”

“I’m so stupid!”

“I’m such a fuck up!”

“I always screw things up!”

“Go ahead leave me I deserve it!”

“All I do is complain and bitch and holler so I’m obviously not worth your time!”

There are so many words that come from a depth of the soul that we’ve created a barrier from anyone ever being able to reach in and dig those words out. There’s the abused woman who keeps going back to that really abusive man. The untrustworthy woman who keeps convincing the other woman she’s changed and loves her more than ever. The man who criticizes the other man in such a fashion he believes no other. When either of these situations has a brighter situation brought to them, they fail to recognize and run away or hide.

I believe everything happens for a reason and without a doubt, I believe we all are only given what we can handle. This kind of belief gets me through the things that are thrown at me on a daily basis. These kind of things are my strength and blind faith that everything will work out sooner or later. It’s a lot easier to deal with things in a very high-strung extremely stressful manner when you are not alone. I’m not talking about someone standing next to you. You can go anywhere and have someone standing next to you. I’m talking someone in your heart or life. I’m talking about someone very close to that corner of your heart and you don’t let anyone in at, but every now and then you let someone peak in and watch their reaction when they see a tiny bit of what’s there judging at that time whether or not you will let them in afterward.

Then what do you expect someone to do when they get there? What are they supposed to say when you finally let them into that little hidden corner of your heart? Are they supposed to be your knight in shining armor like those on HBO? Are they supposed to be your perfect counselor like DR. PHIL? Are they supposed to be just open arms and ears for comfort like your best friend? Are they supposed to say the perfect words to be your savior and take it all away? What are they really supposed to do? Why do we hide all these parts of ourselves from people and then not give real expectations of what we want from them when we do reveal that little part of us? Were you expecting some unreal judgment to disappear because you have decided it’s time to show them that part of you?

What happens if they don’t react they way you were somewhat expecting? What happens if they don’t surpass your own little judgment of yourself and what you had in mind? What happens if they don’t take it right and they say the wrong thing? What if they put their heart into what their reaction is, but trip over its reality and actually end up offending you? What then? Why? How? Would any of this matter?

It’s a daily struggle in my world and my others to prove to those around us who’ve been through a lot that we are different from their past or the crowd and with that struggle comes love passion and persistence. We keep saying we love people for who they really are, but do we really mean it? Are we ready to take on their past, present, and future? Are we really aware of their emotional baggage and the issues they bring to the table and the extent of those issues? Are we really that patient in ourselves to walk with someone hand in hand and no matter what comes onto the path for destruction… hang on together and deal with it together and face the fright? That’s what a real relationship is all about right? Marriage, friendships, partnerships, parenthood, and so many other people we all get to be in our lives and things we get to experience.

Once again, I didn’t say it… then I surely didn’t mean it! So don’t put words in my mouth and when I say I’m REAL… I’m REAL!!!! I’m not some puzzle to be solved and neither are you, but together we can take each other’s past with passion and understanding. Together we can live each other’s present with an open mind and lots of persistence. Together we can walk day by day into our future and experience every waking moment together with our boys and family the best we can. Together we are and together we’ll be, until the day our paths separate and we are no longer meant to be! I say what I mean and I mean what I say at least for a moment if not more! We all make mistakes and I’m not glory of innocence to say the least, but I still believe a good mind is a terrible thing to waste and a good heart is hard to find! Baby I’ve got both when you are in my arms! I love you the way you are!! Your beauty to me isn’t about size or skin tone! Your beauty to me is your depth of soul, your laugh and smile, your explosive personality and all that comes with it, your ability to make me smile no matter what, your love for all, your exploration of adventure, and of course those lovely Violet eyes when I make you happy!!!