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waiting, waiting, waiting

waiting, waiting, waiting (Photo credit: gilles chiroleu)


You ever sit back and find it hard to find worth in what you do anymore? Whatever your primary purpose in life is all this sudden takes a back seat to whatever drama seems to be created at the time. All of which line up to the same propaganda bullshit that is played on each individual that lays down their life for people to walk all over it and make it useless and worthless with every selfish demonic word or action they can muster up. We all have to find our own glory In who we are and what we do, but there’s only so many times we can get slapped in the face or stomped on and every piece of worthless shit out there gets rubbed in our face … before we are tempted to say Fuck it!!!!


How many times can you do what makes you feel good and put your all into whatever passion that you have and have someone not only take advantage of everything you are but all that you do and then dirty it with all their dishonesty and unappreciative comments and actions? I’m dwelling on some things that are going on right now in my life that have to do with disgraceful dishonesty, backstabbing, ungratefulness, and so many other evil thoughts and expressions. I’ve opened my doors, my heart, our lives, our future, and our present to so many people in my life and I can honestly say it’s getting harder and harder to be a giver. I think I’m finally to the point that I’m over all the “sad stories” people can give and I’m over all the “good sides” that I see in people and I’m over all the lies that are being spread about me and my family!!!! I’m coming to the point that other people’s hardships aren’t meaning SHIT to me since every time I try to listen and be of some type of help, we get SHIT on with the lies, stealing, and head games!!!


What’s worse is when they try to blame it on the children!!! Yes, people actually do this!!! I messed up and don’t care, but don’t want to feel the blame so I am going to put it all on the kids!!! It doesn’t matter how much trouble I witness them getting into or what was said that I know isn’t true!!!! How Fucking cruel is this?? How heartless is this?? The really sad part is… the kids have a history of said actions so it’s easy to believe they messed up or lied or stole or whatever it may be. So let’s find the weakest point I can and put all the negative energies on that!!! Don’t mind the fact that there are mental issues across the board for all the children in said circumstance!!! Don’t mind the fact children can’t and won’t stick up for themselves for fear of being in trouble by an adult!!!


The best part is when you are doing everything in your living power to give your children a good home, with food, clothes, education, and whatever else is needed and you have it constantly thrown in your face about how lousy of a parent you are by other parents who are supposedly so perfect themselves, but don’t have the gull to face the music realizing they Fucked up as a parent too!!! When people can slam you as a parent and the way you go about things and they themselves can’t even own up to their own Fuckups that made them worse than you, but yet have the complete Fucking balls to sit there and knock everything you do as a parent that they can possibly find as a fault. Yes, I have associated with these types of people in my world! Yes, I partially regret doing so in a certain way; but I also know I wouldn’t know what I know now if I hadn’t.


On a different scale of life, we’ve been watching a lot of The Voice lately! I’ve been singing since I was real young except when I had kids I quit. This show is so inspiring to me and makes me want to take up that singing possibility again as I’m sure we all do when we see these wonderful people get up on that huge stage and sing for the Lives. I’m one of those people who sit back and say to myself, “yep I used to sing like that… now I’m too old… I don’t have a good memory for the songs either…. I would never have the money to make it there either…. I haven’t sang in so long I wouldn’t know what to do” and so forth. Did I sing when I was younger? Yes I did! I did very well too! I was at the karaoke bars all the time and at whatever contest I could find as well as sending my tapes out to all the companies I could find. Obviously it didn’t go anywhere. Now I watch this show and keep saying to myself, “Wow if only I could do that again!” knowing I will just keep my full-time job as a hotel person and my full-time job as a mother and my full-time enjoyment of my partner and whatever writing that I may incur. It’s a great show and I enjoy it tremendously!


I don’t know who all believes in God or some entity up yonder, but I will tell you what I’ve been praying crazy lately to whoever would listen up there. I’ve been pondering my usefulness and my ability to uphold what’s expected of me as a mother, partner, daughter, friend or whatever else is out there. When I make a promise I have this huge issue that mentally tears me up to uphold it crazy! I promised my kids we would stay in our house and being three months behind on the payments, no summer taxes papers in yet, two months behind on the electric, our roof with a ton of leaks in it and no money to fix it, being too rich for food stamps and too poor to pay the basic bills, and squeezing in as much quality time as a family as we can… it’s been real hard to keep our heads up! We have been fighting so much more about money and time spent with the kids that it’s almost as if our backs are turned on each other at all times these days just to avoid the arguments.


Well, all this prayer is finally being answered one little bit at a time. I finally found out that my doctors’ visits will be covered under my tribe for my Endometriosis, I finally found out my company is understandable on me being three months behind on the house payments and seems more concerned about the leak in the roof for the safety of our children, I finally found out it’s all up to the state now to get a letter sent out so that my roommates can get paid for taking care of the elderly they already do, I finally found out our wood guy for our deliveries is willing to make a deal with us on prices this year to help out, I finally found out they are trying to raise the minimum wage here in MI so we wouldn’t be too rich for food stamps and we may be able to make our payments after all, and I finally found out the little bit of money my tribe did send me this year made sure our three boys got brand new coats and snow bibs for the winters to come. All this was discovered on the same two days!


You bet your ass this all sent me into tears!! I am so scared to find out what is going to happen with my pains that have been previously diagnosed Endometriosis and whether or not they are going to do the surgery to take it all out or not. I’m so freaking excited to find out I won’t be losing my home anytime soon as long as I keep trying to make payments. I’m really jazzed about the fact that the company my payments go to is looking into getting my roof done for cheaper than what I found it for. I love the idea of our boys opening their presents on Xmas and being so excited about their Car hart outfits we got them! I love the idea that our three boys are finally getting the proper help that they need whether it be medical or physical! I’m truly ecstatic about my boss being so awesome and understanding about my situation with my boys and yet so supportive of my side jobs.






The Great Spirit has once again seen me through the hard times and with all my faith and completely persistent patience; his light is still shining on me somewhere!!!!


I’m still waiting for my reviews from the very selective big companies that requested my book. Again no promises, but all hopes that they come through really well!!! I’ve made a goal! When they come back with their reviews, I will take their words and my pictures and make a banner for my book showing that I’m planning in Petoskey MI and possibly in Cheboygan MI. This will be a signing and questioning and open face to face opportunity to get to know the REAL Lena Rai that wrote the story of her life, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet; A Memoir”. Everyone will be invited and all will see what honesty lies ahead! This is my goal! If any of my glorious followers have had the chance to read my book, please leave any comments you feel are pertinent to the story or any questions you may have about the characters… I have a small leak of story that I’m going to include in this entry below:



So, I tried to do the whole


Catholic/rosary thing; I even tried to show up


on Sundays for mass. Since I was brought up


non-denominational Christian and now


attending a Catholic school and church, there


were a few things someone could have


warned me about. For instance, I didn’t


understand you weren’t supposed to where


the rosary beads and got made fun of for it. I


thought it was cool to wear beads around my


neck; what was I thinking? My Mother raised


me to believe that God existed when things


were going on, especially when things were


going bad and that you had to answer to God


every day. She always told me that if you


couldn’t look in the mirror and answer your


God at the end of the day then you were doing


poorly. With having my Mom going to bars


and having different guys around all the time


was very confusing and her “God” logic didn’t


make much sense to me.


So, on one occasion at Sunday mass, I


got in trouble for sitting instead of kneeling,


and boy did I get in trouble! Out loud and


proud I said, “Could I just not kneel and not


believe, sit in my own spot, and sit here


quietly?” In unison, everyone’s heads


snapped back and said, “This is the house of


the Lord.” The priest shook his head and I


thought to myself, “isn’t every church the


house of the Lord?”


And then there was the cookie and the


wine; I was so excited! Finally, something fun


to do in church! I stood in line, and was given


the cookie to nibble on, and as it reached


halfway down my throat, I started staring at


the priest in disbelief of how awfully bland this


cookie was. They moved me along to the


wine, and rather than sipping the chalice, I


took a huge gulp, and boy was it ever


delicious! God’s blood was much tastier than


his body, I must admit. Let’s just say they


wouldn’t let me go up for communion for a


long while after that.




I did enjoy people watching in church,


and it was my favorite part of the whole thing,


that and the Hail Mary was cool! I also thought


it was really neat that I felt like I belonged, but


I found it to be very comical! During church


service, the priest would come around and


wave his big silver stick of water at the


patrons; I wasn’t sure if I should be offended if


I got hit with water, as I had glasses on and


needed to have time to clean them off, and I


didn’t know if it meant that I was bad or good.


Again, I wish someone would have explained


the rules to me! I also found it funny how


quickly everyone would drop to their knees.


God said kneel and it’s time to kneel; this


even included the old ladies with arthritis, who


could barely move, but he said drop, they


dropped, and it was highly amusing to watch!


On one particular occasion, I was sent


to confession. I went into the confession booth


and was asked, “How long since your last






“You’ve never been to confession?”


“Well, I do now.”


All the while I was thinking, “Do I


actually tell these people what I did?” I


decided yes, yes I would tell them what I did. I


proceeded to inform them that I had a crush


on a girl and thought she liked me back. In


return, I received 15 Hail Mary’s, and probably


100 Our Fathers, and I don’t even remember


what else. I was so overwhelmed with what


happened, I couldn’t recall what they told me


to do. I walked out of the confessional and


explained what happened to Ashley and


Becca and they said I shouldn’t repeat what


was said, ever, no matter if I was proud or


ashamed. I was completely and utterly baffled.


I wouldn’t suggest a normal child going to any


of the schools I had attended; it was a culture


shock from hell. This school was, however,


better than the last few. It did have the whole


click thing going, as I’m sure most schools did,




but at least I didn’t get my hair set on fire or


burned off, and there were always plenty of


adults around.


My Last year in Boise, I went to


Barbizon Modeling School. One of my Mom’s


friends aka boy toy aka best friends helped to


send me there. She worked with his wife


cleaning hotels; Tylerine was her friend’s


name. We called her husband Santa Clause.


If we needed help with bills, he would be right


there, and he was also the one who put me


through modeling school. This dude was


Mondo older. Both my Mom and Santa were


very flirtatious; they were very touch feely and


kissy but nothing further ever happened to my


knowledge. Tylerine was never around when


the flirting occurred.


During this same time, I started


babysitting for real money, amongst some


other perks that were to come with this job. In


particular, there was a couple from Mom’s


drinking crew that had two kids, and I was


hired to babysit them.


I was paid decent money for this job! The mom was very


promiscuous and dressed and acted the part.


Her husband, however, was very easy going


with no sense of humor, but truly a nice guy.


Employer-employee respect was of utmost


importance to him.


After the kids went to bed, I was asked if


I wanted to have a wine cooler, and I


accepted. I started to not only look at this


house as a job, but also a cool place to chill.


They had a pool table, were damn good, and


would enter pool tournaments. Her mom’s


brother came to stay and I thought I was going


to lose my job, but my thoughts were


unfounded and simply not true. I ended up


spending a lot of time around this woman’s


brother, and he literally stunk, chewed


tobacco, and was nasty.


Once again, I tried smoking when the


kid’s parents offered me a cigarette. They


were generally very giving of things I wasn’t


supposed to have after they had a few drinks


in them. Even after they had come home for




the night, they would often need me to keep


an eye on the kids, as they would bring their


pool playing buddies home and continue to


party late into the wee hours of the morning.


When the brother would come around,


he would teach me to play pool. In the


beginning, I wasn’t interested and didn’t want


to get in trouble. He would taunt me with


cigarettes, alcohol, and would joke that we


were dating. He would tease me with all of the


things that made me feel like a grown up. He


flirtatiously lured me into playing pool with


him. I became a pro at it very quickly and got


really into the game; I finally understood the


fascination. Whenever he would hang around,


I wouldn’t let him chew. I couldn’t stand to


watch someone chew and spit out tobacco.


He never got creepy on me or tried to


put the moves on me, but when Mom got word


that I was hanging out with an 18-year-old


male, she freaked out and had Norman talk to


me about sex. She was afraid that I would get


pregnant. Yes, Norman was still living there


and instead of Mom giving me the talk about


the birds and the bees, Norman did; that’s


how uncomfortable my Mom was with talking


to me. As he was explaining how everything


worked, I started to burst out laughing.


His response was, “I know you may


think this is funny, but this is serious!”


I had slipped and retorted, “first of all,


it’s a guy.” Norman didn’t catch on. I


continued, “He’s nasty, fun, but no, no, no


WAY!” as I continued to fill with laughter.


Norman replied, “I know what you’re


talking about…..be safe, ask if you need




YUCK!!! That was the last thing I ever


wanted to converse with Norman about. It


was, however, a cool and friendly talk, but I


was laughing like crazy!!! I backed away from


hanging out with the brother a little bit.


Looking back, I never understood why an




eighteen-year-old wanted to hang with a


fourteen-year-old, especially since he never


truly hit on me and all we had in common was


pool, but I didn’t want to give him the


opportunity either. My babysitting for my


Mom’s friends would soon come to a halting


screech anyway.


So the modeling school commenced,


and I attended once a week. They taught me


everything about being a female that I never


thought I would be interested in. They showed


me how to walk properly, how to be a lady,


how to sit, how to wear your outfit, and


etiquette for eating out. I was truly digging this


and was hoping to go further. I wasn’t up for


the whole catwalk thing; however, I was very


interested in becoming a model for the


catalogue. I was trying to give it a chance, and


if I had to do this girly crap to get there and to


make it into the magazine, I was down. I was


given my own personal makeup kit, and there


was a room with mirrors everywhere. The


experience was actually very cool, overall; however,


looking back, I think that this was


probably a huge waste of money.


The things they taught me at this school


were things a mom or an aunt could teach you


if they took the time out to do so. I had never


attended any actual photo shoots and was


very disappointed! I never got to finish


Barbizon nor receive my certificate because


we were moving again and this time it was all


the way to Michigan.






They say good things come to those who wait… well… I don’t know how long you have been waiting… but every day I convince myself to wait another wonderful long-lasting extremely challenging day hoping this is actually true. I waited three years to be with my lovely lady and voila we are together! I waited almost three years to get my oldest boy back and voila we are together! I waited for 6 years to find the perfect man to give me another child regardless of being told I couldn’t have anymore and voila I have my weebit! I waiting for 20 some years for the perfect daddy and oh Boy do I have the perfect Daddy! I waited through several jobs to find the perfect one and it’s not the most paying, but it’s got the best hours, best schedule, and the absolute best boss! I waited 10 or so years to complete my own personal story which is now complete and available! There are so many things I’ve sat and waited for and sooner or later down the line…. Someone somewhere must have been listening… because whether it took 3 years or 20 I finally got it!


So can I ask… what are you patiently waiting for? Have you forgotten why you were waiting? Why are you doubting yourself? What is so worth your wait, that 20 years is nothing? There’s so much more to say, but I’m waiting…. Patiently!