… Smile Just Because …

Save the Last Dance
Save the Last Dance (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Wow! The pressures of being famous… Just kidding! I got a few more followers on my Twitter when I went through and tried talking to a few magazines and groups of the LGBT community and it felt good! I’m doing pretty well as far as people following me on my various accounts, but still waiting ever so patiently for my reviews to return from their prospective owners. It’s so hard being patient! I know patience is a virtue and the last thing you want to do is lose your virtues.


Well other than freezing to death here in Northern Michigan before our lovely winter even hits, I am sitting here working on my guest blog at Women and Words on www.jovebelle.com that will be featured on Wednesday coming. I’ve decided to do a piece of on bullying since that is one of the main parts of my book and one of the most important issues of today. I will also be putting in some excerpts of my book, “Secrets of the Velvet Closet; A Memoir” that will pertain to the blog and allow the reader to really understand where I’m coming from.


I’ve had a lot of things happen lately that have done the mix of trying to tear me apart and put me together in pieces I don’t want. It’s hard to explain what’s going on when not even you understand it. How are you so happy and free willing and completely taken by the Ecstasy of the situation and moment in one day or week and then so torn apart by everything that’s happening and being said in the next that you would love to dig a really deep hole and just bury yourself till you can’t breathe. I know this is something nobody wants to hear or know or read, but sometimes things just have to be said. There’s a movie that kind of explains what I’m going through at this point called, “Save the Last Dance”. She actually states to the guy that they spend more time fighting to defend their relationship than actually enjoying their time together.


It almost seems that way lately. I know everyone has their own struggle in life and every relationship has its own troubles and trials, so this comes as no surprise to anyone. Well I didn’t say it to surprise anyone. I said it to be REAL. We spend so much time trying to help everything and everyone else out in their lives and relationships that we look right over our own and end up in extreme fights with many types of harsh words screamed out. We focus so hard on the health and well-being of everyone else that our own children start to go downhill and we don’t realize it until it smacks us in the face. It’s pretty bad when your children feel they have to lie, cheat, or steal to gather your attention because you have focused so much of your world on other children or people to make their lives better.


The best part is when you do go way out of your way to help others and when it becomes apparent to them that you have begun to leave your children behind in your thoughts and cares for them, the only thing they can do is knock you down as quickly as possible. They don’t sit down and take a brighter look at where they could have been or would have been with out your help or care when there was no one to be there for them. The only things out of their mouths are everything you’ve done wrong in your life, with your kids, with your family, and whatever else they can come up with. This seems very cold-hearted I will agree. I’m not happy that I’ve been bent down to speak of this truth, but truth is all I know and will ever be. I don’t have many family members or friends because of this point.


So the questions come in one by one and the problems start piling up more and more and all you can do is sit there in your overwhelming emotions and pain and start to scream out loud obscenities around you. Sometimes they hit people who you care about and sometimes they just bounce off like bad rubber. I do sit and hope and pray and wonder each day if it gets any harder than it has been the day before. We all come to a point in our lives where the decision remains whether or not you can take “it” anymore. I’m not talking about suicide so get your brains out of there. I’m talking about taking the crap, the abuse, the bullshit, the lies, the torments, the mental games people want to play on you, or whatever else is in your world in particular.


Families go through ups and downs and one thing my mother taught me is to love your family no matter what cause they are all you’ve got. What she didn’t specify was who was considered family. I feel after years of growing up and harsh learning that blood doesn’t make family. I feel if you waste your life sitting around waiting for everyone to love you and approve of you and what you are about or doing, then you are the fool. I have wasted so many years of my life waiting for the right family members to finally look at me and say “good job” or “I’m proud of you” or whatever other sober thought that can come to mind .


So what if the words; hate, fuck, stupid, bitch, cunt, retard, or other downright cruel words come out of family member’s mouths? Do hold them accountable? Do you judge them with your own jury? Do you allow the pain to settle in? Do you look the other way and wait for the dust to settle? Do you allow the excuses to start piling in and actually take them for granted as they were meant a different way? Well if the family you have Is all you are going to have then why treat them in such a way? What’s said is said and what’s done is done right? Now is when you sit back and make your own judgment call as to what is acceptable and what is not.


These things have crossed my mind a lot lately and well there’s been a lot of things that were said and done lately that have hurt real bad. It’s almost enough to have its own inspirational account for its own book to come out gearing toward the bad guy being the winner of the story. It’s real hard to go through things in everyday life and every time you swear up and down that things are fin ally turning around… BAM!!!! You get hit with another amount of drama in your life that came totally unexpected.


I don’t expect things to be perfect all the time and I know we have to go through the bad things to appreciate the good things. If you have read my book… you definitely know what I’m talking about. I actually like it when things give you a challenge in life and you have more to be proud of when you are done with that moment.


So once again… I sit and wait for another day to pass that I can smile just because…