To My Lovely Violet!!
I used to close my eyes and dream a dream no one knew. I used to step outside and wish a wish that would never come true. I used to write my poetry and sing my songs in silent wonder what I did wrong. Why was I the way I was? Why couldn’t I be normal and love every moment of being with a man and love the attention they gave me? Why did I cringe at the thought of a man’s lips touching mine? Was I to be doomed for years to come? I tried several times to be the woman I was supposed to be. I tried to make do with the love I was given and make sense of the life I was living. Everything happens for a reason I firmly believe!
My wonderful night became a day when I laid eyes on you! My hopes turned to wishes that I knew deep down inside slowly grew. I fell for your laugh, I fell for your smile, I fell for the sparkle in your eyes, I fell for the way your words left your mouth followed by a grin. The way you held your cigarette and brought it to your mouth breathing in as deep as your lungs could take, made me wish for just a moment my lips were the tip of that cigarette. I trembled when you spoke to me and my heart raced if you touched me. I stumbled when I tried to walk toward you in a slow rush to know who you were.
I remember the thoughts that raced through my head and how I tried so hard to lose the smile that suddenly appeared. I couldn’t help but wonder how the miracle of meeting you ever came about. I knew it was wrong, I knew you were taken, I knew I had a man; I knew our meeting was forsaken. Way down deep there was a light appearing in my mind, was this real this time? What was I to do? How was I to act? What if she talks to me and I send stutters back? She’ll think I’m stupid or a waste of time. What a precious moment where I finally felt alive. How do I impress a girl who without seeming over flaunted or fake? She’s got everything… the looks, the smile, the bad ass attitude, and everything worthwhile to take. What is it that makes me goo goo gaga over someone I don’t even know?
The meetings were plenty, but the visits were few. I knew there was nothing I could do. Our destinies were separate and our journeys combined. Why did I have this yearning or need pushing me from behind? There was a happy medium we both agreed upon. She was there between us and respect was to be counted on. How was I to know the relationship was set? How was I to know there was a reason we met? It didn’t make sense how I felt when you were near me. It didn’t make sense why so much excitement and anticipation built up over something somewhere that wasn’t happening. Though touches were few and kisses very light, I really felt a deep connection when you tasted me that night. I can’t explain where my mind went. I can’t explain the things I thought I knew. I can tell you that night our souls combined and I knew I was living a lie.
I knew I had to have you. I knew we were meant to be. I knew way down deep … you saw me for me. I knew I had never felt anything like this before. I knew I had to have more. I watched as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months. I watched as our eyes met longer, deeper, and much much more. I watched how our hands touched and our hearts met. I watched how the messages and phone calls got more in depth. I was there for you and you were there for me… how was it … that together… we weren’t supposed to be? This was such a real love and deep emotion. Things had to wait for that day of complete devotion.
Three long boring overemotional years passed and our silence still reigned. Even after that stupid bitch did was she did and got what she gained. Her deserving of you was never apparent, but you were persistent to stay with the one who gave you so much pain. All of your personality is a daily mystery. You never know what quirky little thing you will pull out of your mouth or mind.
Finally the day came when I had a chance to fulfill my dreams. You texted, you called, you pushed, you poked, you prodded, you tricked me into coming closer after years of walls being built, and then you had me… in your arms…. Fully surrendered. I’ve never been a sexual person since it never caught my fancy or interested. Sure I fantasized about many things with women, but never thought it would materialize. The first night I had you in my arms, the first night our skin touched and our bodies met, the first night time was no essence and responsibility had no reason, I was brought to a higher and deeper ecstasy than I could ever imagine. My mind fell from its prison, my body from its shell, my love from behind the walls… I was under your spell. Hours seemed like minutes and never enough… just the few days together brought an endless grin.
I finally felt whole and complete. My mind was set and my heart was weak. So confused who I was or what I was to do. This moment, this day, this week… that I finally had the REAL YOU!!!
Almost two years have passed and the chills continue to run down my spine. Only five years of friendship and you’d swear we knew each other all our lives. Our relationship is testing its limits with the things we face. Our everyday schedule makes it hard to spend time together or “happy time” to take place. Our boys being brought up the same, with all the love and care we can bring to them in an open-minded way. Our excitement still reigns over the day we get to say, “I do” and every day that passes I’m still shocked my dream came true… I found you!!
Love Your Lil Butterfly!!!
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