A Tear and a *Sigh* … Today

Can you see like a child? Can you see what I w...
Can you see like a child? Can you see what I want? I wanna run through your wicked garden, heard that’s the place to find you, cause I’m alive so alive now, I know the darkness blinds you, Dale Chihuly Glass & Garden, Seattle Center, Washington state, USA (Photo credit: Wonderlane)

You ever wonder if you just pissed off those spirits so bad that they decided you were going to watch TV, you weren’t allowed to make phone calls, and you weren’t going to get on the internet? Well, me neither but I tell you what… my energies are WIDE OPEN today and for some reason… I’m reading everything and everyone around me like an open book. I am so freaking serious!!! I can’t walk by anyone without feeling what they are feeling and know something about what’s going on with them today. It’s like someone telling me what to say, but I don’t hear it… I just say it. I was just told I only do this when our lovely place of employment starts it’s tricks. Well, it just so happens that in the last week our lovely place of employment is started it’s tricks and the rain coming in is not helping a bit. I’m alone in the place and I think the “someone” upstairs that is not supposed to be there is a tad pissed off.

My wonderful coworker stated everything was fine until I walked in. My energies are wide open and now the phone is going nuts, the internet is being retarded, I’m hearing creaking and footsteps, it’s supposed to rain tonight, and once again… I’m all by myself. I also got a very weird phone call today. Out of the blue my mother decided to call me and tell me she couldn’t wait for my wedding and she wants to be a part of it and help plan it. WOW!!! Where did that come from? You don’t know this at all, but my mother has never been that accepting of my life and what I wanted it to be. There are plenty of details in my book, but for those of you who have been following me…. She’s making some really big steps to accept everything about my family as she can. So to call me and tell me she’s thinking about my happiness and my Lovely Violet is good for me and she wants to be a part of the wedding and wants to help us plan it? Wow!!!!

I’ve also recently come into the realization that my son’s condition is back. He’s one of the only children at the age of 7 who was diagnosed Psychotic NOS with an onset of childhood Schizophrenia. Scary stuff!! Now he’s going to be 12 years old with an 8 year old maturity and his symptoms are coming back. Very scary stuff!!! Voices, visions, evil trying to take over his body, and several bouts of anger that comes from severe OCD symptoms… Yes at 12 years old he’s going back into counseling and possibly back on medication. Why? It’s considered a genetic malfunction in the brain. There is NO CURE but it’s all treatable. This is the same child that I mentioned a time back who’s got a feminine personality, his father was a CSE on him, and his dad has pretty much fallen out of his life. He’s had 3 therapists quit on him and he’s reverted back to his 7 year old self. So this has hit me pretty hard as well this week.

Is any of this caused by me? I certainly hope not!!! I know I am gifted and I don’t have a choice in the matter, but to cause an illness like that to open back up…. I really hope not!!! Don’t get me wrong… I know environment plays a big factor in this whole issue, but that’s another reason why I’m worried. This was triggered when his dad left me for my BF. I was able to move on and do it pretty decently once the initial shock was thoroughly taken care of. My boy evidently had a Psychotic break and I didn’t realize it until about 6 months ago. When I did ask him of this situation, he admitted to me that he was having visions, and breaks in reality but he knew the difference and could pretty much control what he wanted to hear. So after 3 hours of long conversation, I learned he would be ok for now and I had to try to trust him. Now 6 months later, he’s worse than ever!!! He’s resorted to stuffed animals, skull shirts, and rocks with each having a name and calling them his family or protectors. He’s blanking out of reality really bad a good 2-3 times a week. His voices in his head and outside of his head have names now. This all finally had its final break when he saw his dad the last time.

He was over at his grandfather’s for a good week. Honestly I kind of just dropped my boys off at the door and said PLEASE help me!!! So in a week’s time, he saw his dad for maybe 2 hours. I guess he was busy and broke or something…. No wait… his thing was he works all the time and has to sleep at some point…. I believe that’s what was said… anyway… he couldn’t even allow his son to eat dinner with him at his house and sent him back to his grandpa’s. Again excuse was I didn’t know what he had planned. Ok … a broke, disabled, partially deaf man who’s living out of a camper trailer with no gas had plans to do something at night with a 12 year old boy who’s whole purpose was to see his dad… ok I got it.

So anyway, shortly after this my oldest completely changed and broke and flipped and is completely out of control. He can’t control the voices, the visions, or the hatred anymore. He’s trying to hurt himself all the time again. He’s feeling like he’s all alone and going to be for the rest of his life. He’s eating like a horse but only on his time and what he wants. He’s sleeping all the time and trying to bury himself into video games that all have to do with what?  Shooting and killing. He’s mean to his youngest brother quite a bit. Yeah, all this in the last maybe… month. So I have my hands full with this and I’m scared shitless as he gets older that he’s harder and harder to control. I’m just hoping I can get him to actually take his medications, and go to his therapy. I don’t want to lose my boy and I don’t feel its right for anyone to judge him by his illness.

So my energies are WIDE OPEN and I’m working on getting agent’s attention for my book. I’m feeling everything around me and hearing things that probably aren’t really there. Oh and did I mention seeing shadows that probably aren’t really there? Now who’s crazy right? Nope this is stuff I’ve dealt with my entire life, but never knew what to do with it or how to deal with it until I started developing my Wiccan understanding and my Empath capabilities. I’ve felt spirits my whole life and at a very young age was able to communicate with them. I was taught I was wrong and fake and crazy and lying so I hid all my visions, and feelings, and thoughts in church with my music and prayer. Then as years passed I couldn’t figure out why these things weren’t going away. Just like my passion for women, started really early and never went away no matter how many men I slept with or married. That sounds really bad but it’s true. So I slammed religion down my throat and in to my head as fast and efficient as I could to make all my feelings and emotions and everything I saw and heard STOP. Surprise… didn’t work!!!! So I had to take a step out of THEIR reality and take a peek into MY reality.

I started reading and listening and watching and allowing the feelings to come through. I started this journey 2 or so years ago, but really got a stick in the ASS about it when I started seeing little visions of my husband cheating on me and I actually walked by and felt the emotions that she had for my husband. It sucked and it hurt but I didn’t have much of a choice. I was to feel what was there whether I liked it or not. So at that point… I finally took a deep breath and let go of the religion that I pounded into my head for everyone else’s belief and started allowing the personal issues through and realized they weren’t personal issues at all. It was my empathic gift trying to take hold and get me to open my aura to what was the real me. Hard stuff to feel or hear or understand… believe me I know.

So now that my whole self is so wide open, it does help in a way cause I can steer clear of those that I don’t need to be around, I can offer assistance to those that could use it, and I can actually feel my boys pain and confusion to try to help him deal with this. I’ve told him he’s not alone in this and I’ve been told a million times over from my Lovely Violet that I’m not alone in this. Our oldest is so sweet and endearing and helpful and just a joy to have around when he’s actually able to be himself. Lately, I’m not sure who he is. Neither of us know really who he is and I honestly think he’s got more MPD or DID than anything. When he changes to the “other” side of him, he’s not himself in anyway shape or form. He’s completely dead opposite. The teachers and principals have even noticed the change in him. His handwriting changes, his voice changes, his eyes change, his behavior changes, his whole demeanor changes. It’s so hard to explain to someone if they don’t know him and know what they are watching for. Just like my gift. If you don’t know what you are looking for or waiting for, you could be lost forever trying to figure it out. All we can do is sit back and watch the therapies, medications, and surrounding influences go to work on him. I hate feeling so hopeless and helpless and just plain stupid about what’s going on with him. It kills me to see him tearing himself apart wondering why he’s alone when I’m standing right there!!!!

I can talk or scream or yell or promise or convince all day long to him, but if he’s not hearing me way down deep inside I can feel and see it and it kills me. I wonder everyday why I handed him back to that FUCKING PERVERT knowing what he did to me. I should have known he would hurt his own son and I have firm belief to this day that…. If I wouldn’t have done that… he’d be ok today! So yeah, it’s my fault. I fucked up heavy and I know it. I see and feel it every day that my son is breathing and living another day of his mental torture. I have tried getting him to write everything down. I have tried getting him to talk to me, I have tried allowing him to saying whatever he needs to say just to get it out and feel better, and it’s not working. I can’t help but to seriously sit back and wonder if I wouldn’t have let him go years ago…

So of course I have all the support in the world with my dad, my lovely Violet, and my family. I’m not sure how much support from the family to be honest. However some is better than none. So I’m ok with that.

So trying to focus on the brighter side of life, I have been doing research once again on my son’s illness. There is hope! He’s able to get help and he can live with it in a normal life as long as he gets the help he needs to get control of it. YAY!!!! Now tell that to a 12 year old who’s daily torture is the voices in his head and what they tell him to do. Tell that to a little boy who’s only dream is to be a NORMAL boy! Sound a bit familiar? REAL boy?  NORMAL boy? He just wants to be a normal boy. He wants to have friends like normal, he wants to think normal, he wants to eat normal, and he wants to be treated normal. Here’s the kicker… normal is in his way and his life and through his eyes. What’s this essentially all mean? He wants the world to revert to his normal. Here’s my question to the world… “What is normal?” Seriously?!

Found something that might help you to understand what I’m talking about…

What Causes Schizophrenia?

As with other psychological disorders, it’s believed that schizophrenia is a complex interplay of genetics, biology (brain chemistry and structure) and environment.

  • Genetics: Schizophrenia typically runs in families, so it’s likely the disorder is inherited. If an identical twin has schizophrenia, the other twin is 50 percent more likely to have the disorder. That also points out the likelihood of other causes: If schizophrenia were purely genetic, both identical twins always would have the disorder.
  • Brain chemistry and structure: Neurotransmitters—chemicals in the brain, including dopamine and glutamate, that communicate between neurons—are believed to play a role. There also is evidence to suggest that the brains of individuals with schizophrenia are different from those of healthy individuals (for details, see Keshavan, Tandon, Boutros & Nasrallah, 2008).
  • Environment: Some research points to child abuse, early traumatic events, severe stress, negative life events and living in an urban environment as contributing factors. Additional causes include physical and psychological complications during pregnancy, such as viral infection, malnutrition and the mother’s stress.

What Are the Different Types of Schizophrenia?

  • Paranoid schizophrenia is characterized by auditory hallucinations and delusions about persecution or conspiracy. However, unlike those who have other subtypes of the disease, these individuals show relatively normal cognitive functioning.
  • Disorganized schizophrenia is a disruption of thought processes, so much so that daily activities (e.g., showering, brushing teeth) are impaired. Sufferers frequently exhibit inappropriate or erratic emotions. For instance, they might laugh at a sad occasion. Also, their speech becomes disorganized and nonsensical.
  • Catatonic schizophrenia involves a disturbance in movement. Some might stop moving (catatonic stupor) or experience radically increased movement (catatonic excitement). Also, these individuals might assume odd positions, continuously repeat what others are saying (echolalia) or imitate another person’s movement (echopraxia).
  • Undifferentiated schizophrenia includes several symptoms from the above types, but the symptoms don’t exactly fit the criteria for the other kinds of schizophrenia.
  • Residual schizophrenia is diagnosed when a person no longer exhibits symptoms or these symptoms aren’t as severe.

What Are the Risk Factors for Schizophrenia?

Recent research identified five risk factors for teens, which are similar in adults:

  1. Schizophrenia in the family
  2. Unusual thoughts
  3. Paranoia or suspicion
  4. Social impairment
  5. Substance abuse

Symptoms of Schizophrenia

There are three types of symptoms in schizophrenia: positive, negative and cognitive.

  1. Positive (symptoms that should not be present)
    • Hallucinations (something a person sees, smells, hears and feels that isn’t really there). The most common hallucination in schizophrenia is hearing voices.
    • Delusions (a false belief that isn’t true)
  2. Negative (symptoms that should be present)
    • Flat (individuals show no emotion) or inappropriate affect (e.g., giggling at a funeral)
    • Avolition (little interest or drive). This can mean little interest in daily activities, such as personal hygiene.

These symptoms often are harder to recognize, because they’re so subtle.

  1. Cognitive symptoms (associated with thinking)
    • Disorganized speech (the person isn’t making any sense)
    • Grossly disorganized or catatonic (unresponsive) behavior
    • Inability to remember things
    • Poor executive functioning (a person is unable to process information and make decisions)

http://psychcentral.com/lib/schizophrenia-fact-sheet/0001570

Just some basic information about the weird stuff I’m talking about. Now the other subject… my gift.. here’s a tad bit of information on that..

Are You An Emotional Empath?

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller, Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers.

The trademark of empaths is that they know where you’re coming from. Some can do this without taking on people’s feelings. However, for better or worse, others, like myself and many of my patients, can become angst-sucking sponges. This often overrides the sublime capacity to absorb positive emotions and all that is beautiful. If empaths are around peace and love, their bodies assimilate these and flourish. Negativity, though, often feels assaultive, exhausting. Thus, they’re particularly easy marks for emotional vampires, whose fear or rage can ravage empaths. As a subconscious defense, they may gain weight as a buffer. When thin, they’re more vulnerable to negativity, a missing cause of overeating explored in my book Positive Energy. Plus, an empath’s sensitivity can be overwhelming in romantic relationships; many stay single since they haven’t learned to negotiate their special cohabitation needs with a partner.

When empaths absorb the impact of stressful emotions, it can trigger panic attacks, depression, food, sex and drug binges, and a plethora of physical symptoms that defy traditional medical diagnosis from fatigue to agorophobia. Since I’m an empath, I want to help all my empath-patients cultivate this capacity and be comfortable with it.

Empathy doesn’t have to make you feel too much all the time. Now that I can center myself and refrain from shouldering civilization’s discontents, empathy continues to make me freer, igniting my compassion, vitality, and sense of the miraculous.

http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/emotional-empath-EF.htm

So in all the fancy talk and language.. . I feel people I shouldn’t be able to.. and my son sees people and things he shouldn’t be able to… So what’s normal?

For any of you who actually know what en Empath is and would like some advice… I found this on the same page that the other information was from:

Emotional Action Step. How To Find Balance

Practice these strategies to center yourself.

  • Allow quiet time to emotionally decompress. Get in the habit of taking calming mini-breaks throughout the day. Breathe in some fresh air. Stretch. Take a short walk around the office. These interludes will reduce the excessive stimulation of going non-stop.
  • Practice guerilla meditation. To counter emotional overload, act fast and meditate for a few minutes. This centers your energy so you don’t take it on from others.
  • Define and honor your empathic needs. Safeguard your sensitivities. Here’s how.
  • If someone asks too much of you, politely tell them “no.” It’s not necessary to explain why. As the saying goes, “No is a complete sentence.”
  • If your comfort level is three hours max for socializing–even if you adore the people–take your own car or have an alternate transportation plan so you’re not stranded.
  • If crowds are overwhelming, eat a high-protein meal beforehand (this grounds you) and sit in the far corner of, say, a theatre or party, not dead center.
  • If you feel nuked by perfume, nicely request that your friends refrain from wearing it around you. If you can’t avoid it, stand near a window or take frequent breaks to catch a breath of fresh air outdoors.
  • If you overeat to numb negative emotions, practice the guerilla meditation mentioned above, before you’re lured to the refrigerator, a potential vortex of temptation. As an emergency measure, keep a cushion by the fridge so you can be poised to meditate instead of binge.
  • Carve out private space at home. Then you won’t be stricken by the feeling of too much togetherness. (Chapter 8 discusses nontraditional living settings compatible with an empath’s comfort zone.)

I found something I wrote October 18, 2004 and it actually makes sense now…

^Sigh^

Hatred becomes me in a place I’ve been tortured
To a spirit that withers with its own emotion
All the anger and dirty looks
All the snapping and disrespect
Can’t **** hold much longer
Mind in displacement
My future at stake
To understand all that happens
and know all I CAN TAKE
I’m not sure how much the tears will hold or how long the voice is sealed.
All I know is it’s all uncontrolled and about to reveal.
It’s all to a point of destruction
I’m not sure I want at stake.
To punch and scream does nothing for me
To write forever breaks me free!
I wish such short tempers wouldn’t just spout
I wish such an emotion I know more about!
To hate or despise all that happens and not know why
To be so angry and irritated and only let
out a tear and a sigh!

That’s it for now, I’ve finally put my mind at ease… for now…

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