All the decent outcomes that are entailed in our future, seem to have their own path regardless of what our needs and wants are. Everything we look so highly up and swear up and down that we deserve in some way shape or form, always seems so real and close by until we open our eyes and understand life. Have a bright look out on our future should be there my default; however when all you’ve known in extreme darkness… that brightness gets dimmer and dimmer every day. I’ve looked left, I’ve looked right, I’ve looked up, and I’ve looked down. When it all comes down to truth… I have not found the answer that makes sense to all. I have not found the one thing that would bring all reasoning to a halt and scream “this is the way”.
This seems so faulty in so many ways. We all have these little expectations that life is supposed to mean something weather we are young or old… fat or skinny… black or white… gay or not gay… We all wait around for those bright colors show us the way to our lives and our decisions. Like some little midget that pops out in a movie to remind you the way you are supposed to be going or some squirrel that jumps in front of the screen to surprise you with the right look in his eye when you are just about to give up. There are so many books, newspapers, professionals, and speakers that “know the way” it’s ridiculous. I can honestly say the only way I know is the way I’ve fought so hard to protect. The way to my freedom of speech… The way to my life is experience… The way to my courage is honesty… The way to my heart is reality.
I sit and watch things fly by in life that seemed so simple at the time they were put into place, now almost dumb at the making. Does the alcohol induce a reason to continue blindly? Do the drugs give chance to a better future? Not for me! No matter how hopeless things seem at this point, I have to remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason!!!! It almost seems pointless sometimes to keep repeating that, but it’s the only that keeps me going these days. My whole life goes to shit… EVERYTHING happens for a reason!!! I run into a brick wall… EVERYTHING happens for a reason!!! I lose my family… EVERYTHING happens for a reason!!! I get behind on all my bills… EVERYTHING happens for a reason!!!! I’ve always been taught to look on the bright side… and even if you have to squint to see it… it’s there!
I’m having real issues excepting my fate at this point, but I have to keep reminding myself we aren’t that far away. Buying the house is a chore and a half, but I need to hang in there even though my credit score has dropped tremendously. Getting published seems retarted to think about, but I need to remember that nothing happens overnight. Keeping my boys out of trouble and off meds seems simply rhetorical, but I need to remember I’ve done this before and I CAN do it again. Marrying the woman of my dreams someday seems so far ridiculous and out of reach, but I need to keep in mind it’s just a piece of paper to the state not what rules us as a couple. Having a descent relationship with my family seems utterly impossible, but I have to realize that I live my life and love me for me and that’s all that should matter.
When “happy time” gets shorter and shorter and fewer and fewer with your love, things all around seem to darken and become hopeless. What if it’s only because their confidence level is dropping rapidly and no matter what you say … it doesn’t seem to count or matter? I’m in constant struggle to mae sure we don’t become one of these “story book” relationships that fade away after the “honey moon” sex that all beginner relationships have. I’m in constant worry that someone else out there will make that sparkle in her eye like I can or will grab the little smirk that she gives me when I kick the back of her neck. I wonder all the time if anyone could walk by and catch her heart like I did with out even trying. I’m always hoping way down deep there’s some type of talent that I carry to keep our love and our live’s on FIRE.
Writing a book about these struggles from day to day was quite the task and scary right from the get go. All the things that were put out there for the whole world to read, see, experience, feel, know, judge or otherwise was quite the step for me. I’m hoping through all my struggles and issues that somewhere someway somehow someone understands and feels where I’m coming from and why I’m going where I’m going. Not because they are a pro and went to school to find out. I want them to know because they have been there or know someone who has. I want them to reach way down deep inside and say “HOLY SHIT” did she say that? I have more hard realities mentioned in my book than I ever cared to bring forth in my life. I feel the growth I’ve gotten from it has strengthened me in so many ways I couldn’t count if I wanted to.
It’s not easy being me I will tell you that for sure!! Every time I turn around I’m fighting for my family, my rights, my life, and worrying about my memory issues on top of it all. Why do I fight? Why do I forget? Why does all of this seem to clash together at the worst point? Good questions….
- 25 things I’ve learned in all my 25 years of living. (infinitesatori.org)
- Light Up Your Life (homesandlandofmontreal.wordpress.com)
- Perhaps… (zephyrsanctum.wordpress.com)
- Adjusting. (cohesiveconfusion.wordpress.com)
- I Am the Cheese* (allisonroadblog.wordpress.com)
- Just for a second; before you judge me…. WALK A DAY IN MY SHOES!!! (anniefashionstore.wordpress.com)
- “Shattered” – #7 (in progress) (beyondpets.wordpress.com)
- Freshman in High School (dianemcdougall.wordpress.com)