Wha’s Not Worth It?

snake - water moccassin (poisonous) OR eastern...
snake – water moccassin (poisonous) OR eastern hognose (not poisonous) (Photo credit: Bikes And Books)

So I was trying to take this awesome amount of bullshit that just happened in a great stride of positive “let’s get through this” when I got slapped in the face with such selfish confusion so fast my head is still spinning. My words are being taken out of context by whomever I talk to and it doesn’t matter what is being said, it still hurts that I am in the middle of this great big show down of stubbornness. I have two very important people in my life who are so at ends with each other, they seem to both be telling me they won’t make me chose, but yet they both get pissed if they even “think” I’m siding with the other. Then to top it off they are both very close family!!!!

I have done nothing but try to please people my whole life and so many times I wish I would have just shut down and shut everyone out!!! I so many times have thought of letting everyone go and living life on my own so I couldn’t piss anyone off. I am tired of doing everything I can to take care of people and make them happy or help them in some way and I still get bit by that fucking poisons snake afterward!!!

You know that bite don’t you? The one that seems to kill you way down deep inside? The one that stings for hours or sometimes days? The one that seems to drag it’s venom all over the place … slowly spreading it’s sickness and disease to everyone around you without you even having a choice in the matter? I know you know which bite I’m talking about!

All you wanted to do what make him/her happy and give them everything they could never have from head to toe or front to back. You wanted to see them smile and appreciated a hug or thank you now and then as full pay back. What’s the problem then? Everything is okey dokey until someone all of a sudden doesn’t like what’s being said or done or their specification or thought process. Then suddenly everything you have done for that person or those people slaps you in the face as too late, not good enough, or only good while it lasted. I really don’t get it!!! I really don’t understand how doing something to make someone happy can hurt so much!! When you finally put down your fighting swords for the sake of the children and the sake of family and tell yourself, “it’s not worth it” and then someone else picks up those swords and uses them to their advantage.

Were they trying to stab you with their evil words of momentary wisdom, anger, or hate? Doesn’t matter anymore since the marks are there!!! The wounds have been made!!! The burns are now scars!!! The bleeding only stops for seconds while more excuses pile up to either hate life and fall into a haven of perpetual darkness or let go of the darkness and climb to greater heights for the sake of your children and health and well-being. It’s hard to make that answer when the choices come up, since if you are not careful… you will allow the darkness to take over and guide you. It’s easier to shut down and draw in all the negativity and hide behind it with whatever shield you feel like using at the time. It’s easier to grab life by the throat and say “this is absolute bullshit” and throw it away.

Why don’t I do something like this? Why don’t I make it easier on myself and never open my heart or mind to anyone else to help or be a positive part of their life again? Why don’t I just shut down that useless piece of shit part of me that seems to cause everyone to hate me, be mad at me, misuse me, mistreat me, lie to me, steal from me, cheat on me, or whatever comes to mind at the moment because I’m easy? Why don’t I just fall to my knees and admit that I’m not good enough in this lifetime to continue without making the biggest mistakes of my life? A book that exists is beginning to show me what I have been in the past and why I have moved past it. I can’t just sit back and write blog after blog and expect all imperfections and emotions to fly away! I don’t sit here and wonder on a constant basis what I can do to piss someone else or how I can get someone else to walk all over me, but it seems to happen regardless!!!!

My mother always told me if you pick up a snake and treat it like the most precious thing and become it’s friend and tell all your deepest secrets to it. Don’t be surprised when down the line at some point in you life when that snake bites you and leaves and tells the world all of your secrets cause you knew it was a snake when you picked it up. Here’s my ever so valuable question. What if you don’t know it’s a snake? What if it honestly doesn’t look like one or act like one? What if it’s a cute little fur ball that you just can’t help giving your heart and life to? What if then down the line it bites you and runs away? Does that make is ownership fault? Does that make it seem right to get bitten by something so small, so cute, and so innocent? Let me guess… nothing is innocent and it’s all on instinct right? You know what the sad part is, I have an instinct problem! I have energies that tell me what to do or who to trust or not trust.

If I would have listened to my own instincts, I would not be in as much pain as I am now! I would not have gotten bitten as hard as I did in such a sensitive spot like I did. I know things would be better and would make more sense at least for the moment that we all can agree on one thing…. “It’s not worth it”. Then the question becomes, “What’s not worth it?” Is this the fight? Is it the argument? Is it the work it takes to make things make sense? Is it the idea that nothing is perfect or meant to be and then trying to prove to everyone that they are wrong? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing or why. I’ve lost track of purpose and forgotten what personal gain I was after. I’ve lost confidence in my words, my actions, my thoughts, my feelings. I have this very deeply ingrained feeling of guilt that I of all people should have known what to do and when to do it. I of all people should have known better and made sense of it before I let everything come crashing down on me.

Now is the last 48 hours the fault of this? No fault to be blamed, no names to be said, no words of confidence or courage to be given, no seconds of happiness that make it ok, no depth of I’m sorry or my bad or anything of the sort is to put fault to or expect it of.

Smoking real cigarettes seems more attractive now… with every little puff taking more and more life away from the one of taking the hits. Drinking heavy high percentage alcohol seems more fitting now… With every gulp slowly numbing all feelings, emotions, memories, and days of certain riddance. Sleeping seems much-needed …. Closing the eyes to seal the pain that crawls within attempting to fall into a dream land of your own reality where everything makes sense and has definite reason. Are all these escapes? Are all these ways of true lightness? Are all these corners to hide in? Are all these forbidden in the land of “my children are more important than that?” Does it seem like a good thing to do? Yes, it does. It works for my mother to hide in her bottles of whatever she can get her hands on. It seems to work for dad to bury himself in pain pills, sleeping pills, and alcohol when nothing seems to go right. It seems to work for many people I know. So what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t this work for me? Why can’t I fall into this deep dark hole of “I don’t care either”?

I love those around me regardless if I feel the same love back. I love those around me regardless if I see the same love back. I don’t love and care for someone to get that same treatment back. Love is unconditional! Love is real! Love is deep! Love shouldn’t have boundaries and regulations! I understand I am going to be walked on some more, lied to some more, played some more, disagreed with some more, and I take that with stride knowing I can honestly love someone regardless.

I told my partner I don’t believe in forever cause there’s no such thing! I didn’t tell her this because I was out to be stubborn and wanted to hurt her, I told her this because everyone in life who has ever said forever “broke their forever with me” in some way shape or form. I will love you forever, I will be with you forever, I will be there for you forever, I will take care of you forever, I will protect you forever, I will be honest with you forever, I will always and forever be deeply and madly in love with you…. We shall see…. I’m good at making other people happy… but when it comes to me… I always fuck up somewhere!!!

Regardless I love my boys and I do mean all three of my boys! I will always love my little lady who’s becoming a woman and if daddy feels it’s time to move on… I’m not going to put my put in the door and I’m not going to help pack bags… I’m not making any more attempts to help out since it’s all taken completely wrong and I can’t do anything right by them anymore! I’m going to be anymore a apart of that than I was or wasn’t with my X moving on with my BFF whom don’t speak to me anymore either. Two wrongs don’t make a right and they never will… so I guess I will sit back and wait for the next sign in the sky that says it’s my turn…. To do what? Won’t know until I get that sign!!!!

I’m hurting, I’m badly injured, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts, my pains go so deep I’ve lost track of them. I’m lost running in circles of confusion wondering what’s the best for my boys now. The two people in my life who mean the most right now, can’t see eye to eye anymore and I’m once again…. Caught in the middle…. Now I stand back and slowly fade….