That Lovely Day!!!

Do You Remember the First Time?
Do You Remember the First Time? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How long has it been that you just sat back and remembered the day or the moment that you met your significant other? Do you long for that day again? Do you dread that day again? Do you feel that day every single day of your life from now on? Is there any kind of regret from that day? Was there a particular lesson you learned that day? What specific details hit you the hardest from that day? What was the weather like on that day? Do you remember what they were wearing? Do you remember what was first said? Is any of these details important enough to remember?

I have been working on my book and I’ve had to sit back and really think about the details that mean something to me. I’ve had to find a way to portray them as significant without drowning out the rest of the story. I realized in this small but very important venture that I may not have the greatest memory, but I do remember the first day that I met my lovely lady. I remember what she was wearing and I remember the weather at the time. Each specific detail that hits me is still so real to me to this day even though it was so long ago. Now have we been together since the first day we met? Not a chance… Sometimes I wish, but then I wouldn’t have had the wonderful events take place that did when I was married to the man I was.

I can’t say I wasted 5 years of my life or his, but I can say I wish I would have gone into the relationship a little smarter and more mature than I thought I was. I should have known a man wasn’t the answer to my life and I kept trying to be the mommy pleaser and hoping if I found the right man, maybe just maybe I would be normal for once. You know the normal of liking men and watching them get dressed and work out and “sweat” I guess. I’m already disgusting myself by thinking about it, but I did try and I think the reason we lasted like we did is because we both had the hidden hope that we could affect the other in a way that made it all come together in time.

He probably hoped if he showed me how a man is supposed to treat their women, I’d fall for him sexually as well as emotionally. I hoped if I was in a good man woman relationship that I could enjoy, everything would click just right and we all could be one happy family and I would learn to like the sexual part of being with a man. I guess it got old having me drinking or on pain pills to enjoy some type of sexuality. I was told if he mentioned the idea of me pleasing a woman while we were together, I actually responded, but I think that got old.

So I guess I really didn’t realize how much sex was really honestly needed in a relationship. I’m not a sexual person and never have been. Sure I had my fantasies but never really needed to fulfill them past my writing and poetry. I knew myself better than anybody ever did and it actually tended to annoy me when my MAN couldn’t please me the same way. I thought as long as you have the occasional togetherness and communicated correctly, all was well.

However when it came down to it and years passed, both of us found other ways to be “happy”. He spent his nights longer at work with more excuses as to why he couldn’t come home and whoever was his “friend” that he was staying with and I spent more days talking to my long lost friends trying to figure out what I did wrong. I started jumping online looking for someone I could talk and flirt with at least and feel like I was normal. All the dating sites in the world I could find… fake people everywhere… again lots of sex requested… I’ll tell you…. When I finally broke down to some women whom I’d been friends with for quite some time… all this sudden they wanted me sexually but never emotionally. So I got sick of that real quick too.

So I think when it all comes down to facts and relations, everything does happen for a reason and I know we didn’t waste 5 years of our lives, but I think if we both went into the relationship a little more knowledgeable, accepting, and maturely… things wouldn’t have ended so badly.

By badly I mean… we don’t talk anymore… phone calls don’t exist… emails don’t exist… we don’t/can’t hang out anymore…. I lost a good friend to some nympho BS. As far as kids are concerned… I suppose seeing them once every 4 or 5 months isn’t so bad. The point is… things are never as they seem when they are in front of you… they are what you make them… when they aren’t in front of you.

I have no regrets as far as my relationship with that man went except my immediate acceptance of his past and lifestyle. I tried to believe that a liar, thief, and player could change. Unfortunately if you pick up a snake and feed it, train it, love it, and cherish it, in the end it’s still a snake.

As far as the day I met my lovely lady, I was with a man and had the plans set to marry him. However; somehow or someway my feelings crept another way. It took years of drop offs, run ins, and visitations for these feelings to creep so deep into my heart that I actually asked myself who I was anymore. However it only took 3 months for his heart to creep away to someone else. So I suppose I have that credit going for me.

He’s not perfect and never was. I’m not perfect and never claimed to be… we all make mistakes and learn from them sooner or later… In the end… that man introduced me to my lady and I brought his future wife into his life. So did we get from each other what we needed? A child, life lessons, history that’s unforgettable, and now a forgotten friendship. I think everything happened as it was supposed to and because of that…

I now have my lovely lady by my side as long as she will let me have her…

On a very serious plus side… I gained a son who can’t wait to see us get married one day so he can have a mom who he can actually be proud to love and be a part of. He actually asked me if we have a date set and if we’ve planned out the day yet… I love kids!!!!

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