We always seem to blame ourselves for events or things that had a reason to happen. We always seem to want to look back and find some circumstance or event that may have been different if we may have done this or we would have said that. The interesting fact of it all though, is none of us will generally admit it. Well I would love to say I am perfect, I wouldn’t change a thing, or something remarkable and amazing like that. However; I have mine as well.
I have a Psychotic, ADHD, ODD, and Epileptic young boy. He wasn’t always like this and honestly I have the regrets in my mind that made it happen. He used to be such a young innocent little boy who was the biggest helper in the world with the biggest smile you would ever see. He had his manners and his etiquette, and in the end became everybody’s wish for an angel beside them. I called him my angel boy.
We had this awesome relationship which I made sure was there from the start. Talking to him like a real person and not just some baby, I always treated him equal. I explained anything he didn’t understand and showed him things he wanted to know. He never harmed a soul or even had a bad thought. Then we moved into my friend’s house trading free room and board for a live in housekeeper babysitter.
It was awesome to say the least. She had two little girls who would play with my boy all day long and they became best of friends. Every time the girls would come home and brag about their weekend with dad, I had this play on my face when they showed off what he bought them. I always cringed when I saw my boy’s reaction. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he would start wondering about his dad and what he got him. I talked to my boy more and more everyday about his dad and tried to make excuses as much as I could as to why he wasn’t with us.
Finally the day came that I couldn’t fight any longer in my right heart and mind. I couldn’t keep him away from him anymore. Even after what his father did to my son and I, the tears became too much for me to say no anymore. I tracked him down and made a phone call to find his dad. Of course we had our arguments and fights over the nonsense with blaming, but in the end I allowed him to come see him for a bit.
When he got to our residence, my heart sank and my pulse raced. I started to panic and sweat, facing the man whom destroyed me and my son when he was younger. As usual he guaranteed change and pledged to sign all the documents I wanted, as long as he could just have him for one weekend. He even mentioned a family get together that only happened once a year and claimed he wanted our boy to meet them all.
Deep down inside I knew it was a grave mistake to contact him, but the glimmer of hope, love, and the innocent splendor in my son’s eyes for the moment made it all worth it. My boy begged and pleaded to go with his daddy for the weekend. Being only four years old I let the energies and smiles get the best of me and finally let him go for that weekend.
My roommate went on and on asking why I let him go and for some reason I just froze. I watched my boy go out that door and every bit of me just wanted to die. I swear I felt my insides curdle like spoiled milk and wither like a dying flower. Somehow I knew from that point on things would never be the same and he wasn’t coming back that next Sunday. It killed me to know it, but I had just made the biggest mistake of my entire life.
After years of courts and battles I eventually got my emotionally and physically damaged angel boy back. With so much blame and inner turmoil, I watched the diagnosis’ pile up and once again wanted to die inside. His father had destroyed him and deep down inside I knew it. A decision I made changed him for the rest of our lives.
Today I still look back and wonder who my son would be had I not let him go or contacted his dad, but in the end I’ve had to realize everything happens for a reason. Hopefully someday I will know and understand that reason, but either way I still see my innocent little angel boy.
- Big Boys Don’t Cry (By Samantha Davis) (readingallaboutit.wordpress.com)
- Just Another Story (thedailyofayounglady.wordpress.com)
- Old Memories Come Alive (authormccloskeyspeaks.wordpress.com)
- My Thoughts Were My Biggest Fear (toopersonalforyourowngood.wordpress.com)
- Daddy [Might] be in Trouble (robbiewiley.wordpress.com)
- Self blame in spades (thegoodthebadtheinsane.wordpress.com)
- 3 Angels in 3 Hours in 1 Day…… (amysangels76.wordpress.com)