I’m Far From Perfect, but…


776455-R1-015-6 (Photo credit: tbone_sandwich)


As it turns out there is no parenting secret to make your children behave, but you can sure scare the daylights out of them to get them to straighten up a bit. LOL. I have some very interesting boys that can at any given point in time, run their mouth (insert bad words here) or hall off and hit some kid (insert bad bruise here)or even just get blamed for something someone else did with out the realization they helped. I actually got played by two of my boys this last week. I had this whole “whoop ass” attitude going toward the school and bus garage, but when a few days past and the boys felt they had gotten their little punishment… Viola.. the truth (should) set you free!!!
I’m honestly shocked at what I heard and found out. I really thought I had this parenting thing pegged pretty well gathering information that the boys were doing marvelous in school and at home. Behavior was great, words were all good ones, chores were getting done as “no biggie”, and playtime was well accomplished. Then, a surprise him me that said WAKE UP!!! Just when you think you got it all figured out and everything is in order… the children throw a fast ball.
Well as it turns out, I just complimented them and treated them for being great boys!!! Wow.. I have to learn to have better timing I suppose.

Anyway, still working on the memoir and I will tell you what.. you really don’t realize how extremely complicated life was as a child until you are trying to put together a book about it. I’ve noticed it’s brought up quite a bit of feelings as well however. I have tears coming from places I honestly forgot existed. I’m getting feelings about situations that should be long gone. It’s hard to categorize certain times and circumstances as well since, it was so long ago and the fog that surrounds your conscience now is different from the one the surrounded your conscience as a child. So do you begin your story written from a child’s point of view? What kind of adult can sit back and open minded share the different experiences of your childhood so that all points of view are taken into consideration for a readers sense, but in the end… it’s the child’s story that needs to be heard and understood?
As I sit back watching these chapters start rolling through to completion, I’m not only reading about my life as it was that I saw it, but I’m also looking at it from an outsider’s point of view. I’m not looking for people to feel sorry for me either. I am who I am because of all that occurred to me when I was younger. Yes, I went through a lot of things and by golly I still do, but now I have gone through enough that I pretty much know how to handle most of what comes at me. I still get the looks and snide remarks from many people as me and my partner walk through the aisles of the store. I still get the comments about my blogging and I’m told I come off like I’m so perfect with my GAY life. I’m still getting the judgment on FB and in my family from my decisions and things that happened in the past. Please get this right, I’m far from perfect, but I’m definitely REAL!!!
Granted I was not in any way a perfect child when I was growing up. I didn’t smoke, drink, swear, or anything like that until high school, but then it was all about boyfriends and girlfriends and having kids. To my family I was having boyfriends and I tried very hard!!! I married both my children’s’ fathers and tried to have a “normal” family with them. Both slapped me in the face with reality one day at a time. I didn’t cheat with either of my relationships either. So I did have my positives that I figured were worth looking at by my friends or family, but they rather focus on the negative.
I’m not a heavy drinker or smoker. I don’t do drugs. I’m not into pain pills. I don’t party all the time. I’m strict with my kids. I own my home. My partner and I pay bills equally and own a car together. I don’t waste my extra money at the casino or on alcohol or unneeded stuff for myself.. I get stuff for my kids. So again where is the evil? All in the past. I’ve finally learned a bit as the years have gone by. I’ve learned in the end.. it’s you who has to face yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. I’ve learned its your life you have to live and you have to live your life decisions. I’ve learned all those who look through that looking-glass to your life, can look all they want… if they aren’t living in it… then they don’t have any room to judge.
It’s take a long time to get this far and by golly.. I still struggle with the pleasing of others and trying to show that I do everything right that I “know” how. I try to show my coworkers that I work my butt off to make our “company” look and be good. I try to show my family that I work my butt off to make our “home” look and be good. I try to show my partner and I’s children that we work our butts off to make them look and be good all the way around. There’s nothing more in the world to make it all “happen” and make “sense” than doing your best!
If people can’t look at you and see your for what you are doing “your best” then they have no business in your life!
I’m careful who I trust these days. I’m careful who I let in my children’s lives. I’m careful who I talk to. I’m careful who I work with or near. I’m careful who I am around people. I don’t want or need a repeat of a very deeply destroyed and more than challenging life as a child… to turn into my life as an adult. I don’t need the worry, the heart ache, the lies, the cheating, and the drama. If I want drama.. I’ll pay for LIFETIME TELEVISION.



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