So I had this awesome thought process come upon me this week. I was sitting down on my partner and I’s comfy California King mattress that is now “brand new” watching every episode of CSI Miami that we can get our beady little eyes and hearts on and she realized we needed a change of pace. So on the boob tube came the “Horse Whisperer” and of course she had already seen it prior, but still wanting to share the glory of the story with me. That’s one thing that real cool about us both! We love just about everything the same and that which we don’t, we are generally willing to sit back and try or give respect to. So onto this movie.
First of all, I have this huge thing about animal movies and crying. My overly sensitive eyes seem to feel the necessity to fill up every time an animal walks, learns, has babies, or even gains trust in the human on the movie. Turns out she’s the same way… Yay!!! We can sob together over these wonderful moments of glory that exist only on TV. Well at least that’s how it seems. It’s the only two hours of your life that can actually pull together every single emotion that you have possible in your body.. in very short amounts of time. Things that wouldn’t have made you think in real life, on a movie get those gears rolling. Things that you wouldn’t have thought twice about in real life, get your thinking cap going three times fast. Then there’s always the movies with the relationships that come about. You know the ones that were never supposed to be? The ones everyone watching the movie seems to catch way at the beginning, but the character on the screen.. is always blind sighted by it? Those awesome moments that they get closer and closer and end up holding hands secretly wishing for more? Maybe even those moments that the two people get to dance and it starts off with this heart pounding emotional confusion, but deep hope to pull closer and do more.. “please kiss me” rolls through the character’s eyes.
Well this ended up being one of those types of movies. We sobbed, laughed, cried some more, got mad, got happy, jumped in excitement, and pouted in pain. It was a great movie!!! The thing that caught me off guard though, was the ending. I actually got mad and upset and really confused myself as to why it didn’t make sense? Then I caught myself in the whole, “I wish I could feel a moment like that” then realized I have and I did. All this time growing up and watching these stories of love and passion and devotion or heartbreak, I always wished someday I would find that someone who just knew what was there or in my heart. I always wished GOD or whomever spirit was available that day would someday feel I deserved to feel what it was that the directors of the movies portrayed so well. We all do it!!! We all sit back and go … aaaahhhhh… if only I could find a guy like that… or … aaaahhhh if only I could find a girl like that… The funny thing is we never really notice what’s right in front of us. We are so busy focusing on what we wish for, that we end up missing what’s right here in front of our blind hearts, minds, and asses!!!
Yeah, I realized this watching a movie about a horse and ends up bringing two people together and evidently weren’t meant to be together. I found myself going, “What the fuck?” and “How stupid is she?” and “I would have followed my heart!” instead of going… she’s right not to follow that.. she has a great man in front of her and her child loves her dearly. I got caught up in what could have been in that movie so much that I completely forgot about what was. This made me realize all these years that I had been sitting watching these tear jerking movies and wishing and hoping that I would be blessed enough one day to feel that same love, that same depth of emotion, that same amount of personal devotion, that same completeness that those characters felt or made me feel from watching their remarkable talent on-screen…. and not even realizing that I had found mine. All this time I watched these movies thinking my “guy” would be awesome when I found him, my “guy” would know me like that, my “guy” would love me regardless and treat me like the queen I deserved to be… then never could figure out why my “guy” never came.
Sure I got close and had what was a great man at the time by my side that would have and did give me the world, but I wasn’t complete. Why? He bought me the world, he gave me a son that I wasn’t supposed to be able to have, he treated me so well.. everyone was jealous.. at least… I had all this at the beginning of our relationship.. but why? Why was this not perfect? Why was this not what I pictured from the movies? Why was none of this hitting me like the two hours I lay focused on every move the man-made on the woman and every reaction he got from the girl? Why? Why was it .. all of a sudden… I had everything every “woman” could desire.. and yet.. I still didn’t have my movie moment? Was it because began to get lost in his “alcoholic ventures”? Was it because he buried himself so deep into his video game world that I didn’t know him anymore? Was it because he gave his affection away to any female that wanted it and claimed they were just friends? Was it because his “pill popping” got so bad he went into severe flash backs and I caught him shaking in the corner? Maybe it was because our sex life was huge and dramatic in the beginning and then I realized along with him by day.. that we seemed to only enjoy it if either of us were drinking and it was fast and furious… until the day came!
It was hard handling my best friend of fifteen years coming into my home and taking my “perfect man” away with a wisp of her kisses or laughter. It was hard making my stomach stay settled on the fact this time when he cheated … it was right in front of me.. with my best friend.. then to find out .. it was for my own good… cause I’m a lesbian. He made it pretty clear that he couldn’t make me happy like a woman could and it hurt real bad to be lied to and played by my own best friend and shrugged off like it was nothing… but maybe he was right. I would be happier with a woman!!!
All this could have been it, but with all his imperfections and annoyances.. when it came down to it… it wasn’t me! It wasn’t real! It wasn’t enough! I was tired of living the life my mother wanted for me to keep her happy! I was tired of waiting for the day to have all this make sense to me and I could finally look around and be happy and proud! This woman who was in this relationship, watching the father of her children go farther and farther down hill cause he loved me but knew he wasn’t a woman and would never be! This rainbow butterfly that was evolving more and more everyday and gaining more and more confidence to finally make her life real and mean something!
All this time I wasn’t wrong to wait for my “movie moment” with the right person. I was just mislead to feel wrong that my right person wasn’t the “perfect guy”… it was the “perfect woman”. All this time these feelings that would come about and only make sense while watching these love stories and tear jerker’s, would finally make sense and had finally come into play in MY life. The background music was in my heart and the audience was all the caring family that surrounded me. The rockets flared, the cheers were there, the flutters continued, the butterflies soared, story line all of a sudden made sense!
Sitting there with my love, my light, my rock, my heart, my soul, my fiancée, and the other mom of my children… I realized the warmth I felt around me was the open arms I encountered when I was having problems years ago. I realized the beautiful smile I was enjoying I first fell for the day I met her. I realized those bright beautiful blue eyes were the ones that joined me on my “movie moment” when I met her coming off the plane to visit in Florida. The difference being on this movie, MY movie, was it was a hell of a lot longer than two hours long! The woman of my dreams that made my life REAL and PASSIONATE and HONEST and TRUE.. was the gorgeous and lovely Violet that I had right by my side enjoying Today, tomorrow, and many years to come with many more “movie moments” that we both will cherish.
So the next time you are sitting there in your comfy chair, on your comfy bed, or on your comfy couch enjoying a good movie with someone … wishing you had what was on that movie… wishing you would feel what they felt… wishing you would see what they see… look around for a moment… I did!!!! You may be surprised what you see right in front of you! Just because you were told you were wrong… it’s your heart that counts.. and your life to live.. make it REAL… follow it… see it.. feel it… know it… understand it… you may understand that movie a lot more than you think.
- Anna Karenina (iamwhosays.wordpress.com)
- Martyrs (2008) by Pascal Laugier: Per Aspera ad Astra (speculativefictionwriting.wordpress.com)
- The on days. (jadeandsuch.wordpress.com)
- A Week after Lent (journeyofpeace.wordpress.com)
- Thank You, Mr. Ebert, For Introducing Me To One Of The Loves of My Life (thebyronicman.com)
- 500 days of Tuan (foreverunsent.wordpress.com)