Foreign Pain

From the Motivation and emotion/Tutorials/Emot...
From the Motivation and emotion/Tutorials/Emotion#Emotion Q-sort activity (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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The space in my heart that gathers emotion. There’s a time to tell things out of pure devotion. There’s reason’s behind everything I do, but what was said today meant only for you. My heart breaks at any tear you shed. My stomach aches at any pain that’s bread. I don’t know what else to do that won’t push you away. I don’t know what else to say that will make it all better today. He’s always going to be there, he’s always apart of me. Do I fear for our kids.. certainly! The pills aren’t working, the diet sucks too, the animals get the worst, except me and you.
So much ties us together. So many things we are. Endless opportunities to gather our ideas. So many things we hope we are. Angry words spout, glares, snarls, and doubt. What have we done that is so wrong today. There’s so many things I wish I could do to get away. I can’t be heartless with him and I know I care. I can’t tell him to leave since there would be no one there. I don’t want to let him know he’s losing it … even real slow. It’s causing so much anger and insincerity between us… even small. I’m breathless at the fact my come up and trust seems few. I don’t mean to be so close minded, but I don’t know what else to do.
I’m lost for words and my heart crumbles. My hands shake and I quiver with every moment I’m awake. I wish to drink like my mother always did. Seemed to make sense to her.. she kept her emotions hid. Why bring them out? Why try to make sense? All it does is cause a fight. Whatever this means… I don’t like the flow. I hide the tears real well under fluorescent light. My stances are strong, but I don’t want this sight. To see you standing there with your heart in hand, almost pulling it back in rep remand. Voices get louder and tones get higher. I wish my day was over already.
I don’t understand why I clench my fists. I don’t understand why I grind my teeth. I don’t understand why I lose my appetite. I don’t understand why I wish to sit. In silence with nothing but my baby’s hand. With nothing to say. With nothing left to do. With nothing worth the moment, but to say I love you!
I don’t mean to be angry. I don’t mean to be cruel. I don’t mean to make no sense. I don’t mean to challenge you. I know you mean well. I know your heart is there. I know you care deeply. I know you are lost too. He means a lot to me. I don’t want to lose him. Everything changes when you judge someone. Everything changes when the truth comes through. He’s been a real dad and supported me regardless. He’s been my rock and my foundation to continue breathing and make do. He told me you loved me. He told me the x cheated too. He told me my boy needed help and stuck with it too. He’s watched me come about with all that I am. He helped me gain confidence too.
Putting him away may solve it all. Putting him in a home will just break his heart. He’s losing it quickly day by day. I know this.. you know this… but we can’t make him see it… denial tears this away. I really don’t get it. What did I do wrong? Why is this happening? Why can’t we all get along. The puzzle pieces don’t fit.. there are mixtures in between. There are reasons for reasons for reasons that aren’t so plain. I take a deep breath and wash the tears away… I’m on the clock now… it time to have a good day.
“That’s why I don’t talk to you anymore” .. is a far cry from “I’ve always been able to talk to you”… way to go girl…
How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to say? How do I deal with this foreign pain?

 

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