The Perfect Moment

In Trust of No One
In Trust of No One (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, just when you think there’s no hope in all that you do… Things start to pan out… I had this real serious issue with my son’s new counselor since right off the bat she was prejudice and judgmental. I can’t be having that as a trusting source for my son to go to when he is already having trusting problems. I do feel that as he gets older it is harder and harder for him to realize we are here for him no matter what and we love him no matter what. I suppose it could be hard to see that and believe it when all you know falls apart at a very young age. The people you thought you could trust and love forever turn out to be “bad guys” and the next people you love and trust turn out to be shaky, then when you are supposed to trust these people to talk to… they just up and quit on you. So I do understand where he is coming from.

The newest part of this is his epileptic meds are being taken down. So the boy is getting into all kinds of trouble and we aren’t sure what is causing it all. In some cases it seems obvious that he’s just not caring. In others he really doesn’t seem to know what’s going on. When I get questioned if my lifestyle and decisions are healthy for my kids regardless of mental state or wellbeing… I tend to question ability to do one’s job. So I have to follow what the doc says on his meds, but definitely got a different counselor for him already. Then he has surgery in March for his throat. He’s not all that jazzed about it, but it needs to be done. I am really hoping it helps his sleeping cause this breathing machine just isn’t doing it.

So upon all these taxes coming in, I’ve managed to work out some financial stuff with my partner and still have room to work on my book. I have a life story that I am working on. I’m hoping for it to be done sometime in June and will be looking for a good publisher for the genre. Of course it’s going to be LGBTQ and biography or Memoir style. I have a wonderful editor that is working with me to make it the best it can be. So that’s always exciting!!!

Then of course with all the year coming through, we have family pictures, rings, coats, bills, and well some quality time together. Not so easy when you have to appreciate the hours you get just so you can pay the bills the right way on time. It’s awesome to know we are ok however… not perfect but ok.

Now if I were to rate my performance lately as a mother and a partner, probably wouldn’t be all that high. I haven’t been able to be the mom I should be, due to working and sleeping or lack thereof. I know I haven’t been the best partner due to stress and worries all the way through. She’s very loving and understanding, but I know I can be a hag. I don’t mean to be in any case, but we all know when times get hard it’s real hard to focus on “time together” and the assurance of a hug or kiss from your loved ones. My five-year old was craving my attention so bad this morning and I all could do was tell him not now, I’m going back to bed… I know I’m bad…

I’m getting to know my coworkers real well and that definitely makes it easier to work with them, when you understand them and their personalities. I know I can be a handful when it comes to understanding me. I am quirky, weird, funny, forgetful, and very open-minded. So I can be hard to catch or get along with if any of those things bother people or offend them in any way. I do like who I work with a lot. It’s possibly the first job I have had that I feel a part of something rather than just an outsider that gets paid to shut up and do what their told.

You know, I’ve never been much of an intimate person. I never caught on to the whole intimacy sexuality thing, but I’m finding out … honestly it’s about whom you are with and if you are actually happy. I’m noticing quite often when I don’t get my intimacy time with my girl, I feel empty, forlorn, forgotten, abandoned, and just terrible. It’s weird for me since this has never bothered me in the past. I got some bad pains lately and it hurt to even kiss her. Well little did I know… it hurt mentally just as bad as physically? I feel my insides just peeling at me and my emotions crumbling at the thought of not getting that wonderful blessing from my girl. Then when you both get busy so badly that time together is almost a chore… I think that’s what starts to tear marriages a part. You start to lose that appreciation for each other and the time you get together. Then you get impatient and viola you are cheating before you know it.

Now… now… don’t get all weird on me… I don’t believe in cheating in the slightest and I’m not just saying that!!! I feel more connected and real now than I ever have and if I have anything to say about it or even my boys have anything to say about it that will remain for the rest of my days. I just sit back and watch things that happen and things that are said and before you know it… patterns start to fall into place. I know the last time I saw this working pattern with “giving rides” to be people… it ended a trust between me and that person. I know I trust people way too much and too easily, but I’ve also had that energy in the past that “something” was wrong. Never really knew what it was, but always knew something didn’t seem right. I don’t have that with her… I trust her and feel completely confident that she’s not like anyone else I’ve ever been with or attempted to be with. I don’t however trust some energies of people who come around her… but that always comes with the territory of being with a sexy gorgeous woman with a mesmerizing smile and unbelievable sense of humor.

So I got the best compliment a “little lady” like me could get the other day. My grams made me blush when she said something to me as I was smoking a cigarette with her. We always end up talking about her son or my “wifey” and always end up giggling or crying about the conversations. This particular conversation she caught me off guard mid sentence and said to me, “You really are in love with her aren’t you?” to which I replied heavenly, “yeah grams, yeah I am… why?” She said loves to watch me light up and smile anytime her name is spoken or when her ringtone comes through or even watch us together. She told me she notices we don’t really fight or argue and asked me how that’s possible or even if it’s true. I told her that we get into little tiffs or debates, but I know how “not to” feed a flame when it’s getting out of control.

You see my lovely violet come off a little bipolar. This isn’t different for me since I’ve been with Gemini’s most of my life. I don’t know how or why, but I have. They are the twin soul with a bad side and a good side and frankly they are most of the time bipolar. Go figure right? Well, I know just like a humongous flame works… when you need it to calm down…. You open the door and let it breath and walk away a bit. You never ever sit and feed it or try to win it over. I have found out the same thing with bipolar. I don’t chase her down or take anything real personal when she gets upset and “blows up”. I just step back and let her have her flame just roaring to whatever extent she needs it to unless it’s going to cause harm… then when she’s calmed down we talk about it. Hear that? We actually sit down and talk about it… yes that is possible in today’s society!!!

Actually we sit and talk about just about anything and love to do it. We can talk about anything and that’s interesting too, because I’ve always just been the listener since no one really wanted to or cared to hear my part of anything. You see, I tend to carry on too long on story and I can get lost before I get to the point. So people aren’t usually all that interested in talking to me after about five minutes into the conversation. Sounds sad but it’s true. I honestly don’t feel that way with my family though. Family to me would be my grams, lovely lady, and my dad. Sure dad can give me a hard time, but I don’t feel the same push-off attitude a lot with him that I do my mother. Let me tell you one thing… that can get pretty depressing. When your own family doesn’t seem to want to talk to you, or when it seems like your words are a waste of their few minutes it takes to breathe in front of you.

So I’m totally supportive of my dad trying to lose weight and quit smoking at the same time. I think he’s crazy for it, but I suppose when you are on disability and cigs are gaining price to 7 dollars a pack… well… you really don’t have much of a choice. We have totally discovered how to curve his cravings though. Come to find out if you mix a 24 gram ecig with a senior man who’s been smoking since he learned to count, it actually help the cravings. He’s so excited about it that he thought he lost it and actually acted like it was a real pack of cigs missing. I’m so proud of him, *sob* … he’s getting to be so independent. Ok not so independent, but what do you expect from a man who is fifty years old and losing his memory? (Though he won’t admit that to you… shhhh!)

So back to my book for a moment… it’s been my dream come true to do this book and now that it has set into motion… it was a reality check telling a perfect stranger bits and pieces of my life to help me put this all together in a format that makes sense. To sit and put that kind of trust into another human being when even a “best friend” didn’t have that trust, and just know it was in good hands and there wasn’t going to be anything to come back and bite me in the ass or slap me in the face… is just the perfect moment to step back and say.. Ahhhhh…

So in light of all the good news and perfect moments that further await…  creating-an-abstract-nighttime-rainbow-lighting-effect