What About Today??

Home of George Hoskins, his wife and ten child...
Home of George Hoskins, his wife and ten children. This is a three room house renting for $6.75 monthly, the family… – NARA – 541130 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

It’s kind of funny, listening, waiting, watching the world go by in what seems to be the blink of an eye. Everything that matters so much today, seems almost pointless to know tomorrow. I love all the negativity that lies in between the lines of every good statement out there. I love how all the different debates seem to take over our world so much that our own family becomes sort of stranger in our eyes. We are focused so much on all these issues that blind us of the real issues we should be focused on. I know for a fact in my family, the bills are piling up heavily and it seems we are drowning in all the debt that keeps toppling over us. The stresses this cause seems to almost tear us apart. It’s so hard to stand back and watch these political people talk to everyone about the struggles of our economy and trying to help our lower and middle class with these almost snide remarks and sheepish smiles, when I’m sitting here on the other side of that television or computer thinking to myself… are your lights going to be shut off in 7 days if you don’t come up with 100 dollars? I keep wondering in my silent hopes, are your children going freeze tonight and go hungry if you don’t come up with 100 dollars? I keep sitting here thinking so broadly honest to myself, are you working every hour you can get your hands on while trying to feed and house 9 people on less than 40 hours a week?

 

So what matters today? Not tomorrow, not yesterday… today? Today, I know that my family matters! I know that my son needs counseling. I know my other got out of surgery. I know my dad is getting more and more depressed by the hour and his meds are getting harder and harder to afford or come by. I know that my bills total way over two months worth of my paychecks in one month. I know that this one car my partner and I have has to serve all purposes of 9 people. This means doctor’s appointments, 2 jobs, shopping, 5 days of school activities, and if by chance we can family time to some special place. I know that my partner and I keep getting the run around with everything we do and with our checks getting smaller and smaller, our pockets seem to follow suit. I know the stress is hitting us so hard we as a family are more drawn apart by day for fear of biting each other’s heads off for things that are basically out of our control. I know it’s become a choice to lose sleep and spend time together while shopping and running errands at the same time or gain sleep and rush everything we can with our one car and 50 dollars left to make everything work out the best we can.

 

I know because of our “orientation” we don’t the same bright eyes and benefits of a standard family. We struggle on a daily basis trying to prove that we are just as normal as a heterosexual family with our love, needs, and concerns. How do these congressional people stand there and tell us that everything is going to be fine and they are looking out for us, when they can safely walk across the street hand in hand without judgment or differential treatment. How do they stand there and state we are working this out, when they don’t live paycheck to paycheck and hope on a weekly basis that something will come about to make it easier to get to that next bill that is detrimental in all aspects? These things are important today! However I have found a greater importance in knowing my dad is going to get the help he needs. I have found that my son will get the comfort and help he needs. I have found that my partner will get the comfort and sureness she needs. I have found that my youngest making through a surgery to go on to a bigger and better day at school and life is very important!

 

I am not saying the other issues are not important. I am not saying that the world is all about me and my family. I do know there are more of “us” out there hurting financially as well as physically for what the actions that have been done or not done. I do find it very annoying to get many emails telling me the “turtle restoration” project is very important and we need money for this. I find it very annoying to get emails telling me that these rich congress people need money to make policies work, when their pockets carry more than my full year’s pay requires. I wish I could favor these projects over my own bills and children. I wish I had the ability to step back and say here’s $100 for this policy or this project for the turtles or the whales or whatever today’s seriousness is about. I delete so many of these emails and block so many of these phone calls its ridiculous.

 

I have the joy of telling my children the truth, but keeping the positive light as much as possible for delicate little ears to enjoy. It’s so hard to keep from telling my children that we don’t see them much because our lights and food are on the edge of depletion. It’s so hard to look them dead in the eyes and say the world loves looking at us as a family, knowing down deep that we miss out on a lot of beautiful benefits because we are “unusual” or “sinful” in our ways. I find myself watching my bank account like a daily Christmas present hoping for some miracle that money might find its way to our lives. I sit and pray to whatever spirit or God is out there begging to be given another chance “today” to make things right for my family. This includes all the debt, time not spent, “white lies” being told, and clear avoidance of any subject pertaining to how hard times really are.

 

They’ve come to me one by one all the way down to my youngest telling me what we can’t afford because we have no money. I have tried to hide the obvious and help them realize the same positivity that drives me. I’ve tried to tell them that “everything happens for a reason” and “what’s meant to be will be”. This same speech is told to me and my partner many times a week in a small whispered smile to each other that we both hope we believe. There come a time that no matter what you do and who you talk to, nothing makes sense anymore and you just have to go with what you know and hope all is well in the end. It’s like a never-ending story of your own that doesn’t have the magical dragon or the talking fairies to keep you company in the positive. I still wait for my little whisper that lets me name my new “world” to make everything brand new and be great. Sure my partner, love, best friend, confidant, soul mate, fiancée…. Was the best new start that my boys and I could have had! This is only the first step in what seems to be millions to make everything “right” and “make sense” for another day.

 

None of this may make sense to any of you or all of this may hit like a rock to the head for some of you; however what really matter today… is keeping my family strong, healthy, and together no matter what.

 

The simplicity this seems to entails is almost daunting in its own worth; however the mere heart we all carry together is more of an adjective than a noun in our lives. I believe we are all here for some reason or the other and the path that’s shown to us is the one that we can and will take. What we do on that path is of our own challenge. I have taken on my challenge with both hands, feet, and a strong heart. My dad may not get the meds he needs, the counseling he needs, the confidence he needs to survive today… there will be a time that it all comes together. My children may have to fight the cold today in their little torn shoes, holy socks, mismatched gloves, and missing hats, but tomorrow I will find a way that all this remains false. My partner and I may or may not be regarded as equal, same, deserving, or anything else the world wants to take on as an excuse that we are to be “black sheep”, but today we still walk hand in hand through every challenge moment by moment just smiling away at each other waiting for the next “who” or “what” that is going to take us and our family on.

 

I hope none of this offends anyone out there. This wasn’t written to put any one out there above or below me or anything we are going through. This was merely a fierce statement of strength and almost a goal abiding start to prove that regardless of what else matters out there to the world, our family is worried about today and will proceed with caution and strength toward anything that comes to our attention today…. So that tomorrow we are even smarter and stronger.

 

Good night everyone! My thoughts have come to an end for this piece.

 

 

 

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