So Am I an Empath or an Evangelist??

The Empathic Civilization
The Empathic Civilization (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“An Empath is a person who was born with unique variations in the central nervous system. This means how the brain is configured and how the nervous system works in the body. This has not yet been studied and quantified by science. Instead it is being brought forth by individuals who are becoming self-aware of these qualities and who explore this experience through creative and intuitive outlets.

A high degree of overall sensitivity is the general indicator for this type of person. All of the sensory organs of an Empathic have low thresholds thereby resulting in unusual sensitivity to light, smell, and sound (as well as other subtler senses). Although underlying sensitivity is the unifying factor behind all Empaths, how this sensitivity is “managed” or “funneled” varies from person to person.

An Empathic also possesses a very sensitive emotional nature that is typically difficult to self-manage. Books have been written on “highly sensitive people” and those materials are relevant to this topic. However, being highly sensitive is only one part of the formula for Empaths.

As a result of the interaction between an extremely sensitive neural network and the concurrent emotional nature of a person with this profile, Empaths are highly intuitive. The word intuition needs to be better understood when used in communications but I will save that for a later article.”

The above quote comes from, http://mysilentecho.com/dreamtongue1.htm  By Jadoa Tai Alexander

Growing up, I had some real struggles with my sense of self and obviously with my sexuality. I hid in the churches from all the alcoholism in my family and I secretly hid all my emotions and feelings in my poetry. Yes, I published two books which are available to the public, but the kind of poetry I wrote wasn’t spelled out for everyone to know what was going on with me. I wrote them for myself and whomever actually “read between the lines” could feel where I was coming from. My writing has always been an outlet for me to get everything out. It was sort of like my own little therapy to myself. I still blog to this day and now and then I hear from someone who my writing or poetry touches someone and helps them out as well. My struggle with my sexuality was not really my biggest struggle in my life growing up to be perfectly honest. Yes, I did have thoughts and emotions that I didn’t understand why they were so wrong in my family and in my church. Why would I argue with adults as a child of what I was taught right and wrong? I had something else going on with me that I didn’t know went even deeper than I had ever imagined.

Abstract Color on a Rainy Night
Abstract Color on a Rainy Night (Photo credit: Bill Gracey)

I was able to walk into a room of people and somehow feel what the emotions were in the room of these people. It was hard for me to believe and understand too. I didn’t really cope real well with it either since these emotions I felt almost seemed to become a part of me whether I liked it or not. If someone was sad, I was all of a sudden sad and started to cry without even trying. If someone was in hatred of something or someone, I felt it like it was my own emotion. I tried to go to my mother and or father about this, but neither of them would hear me out and actually try to understand that this was a real struggle for me. It was like a constant duel with myself not knowing what was me or the person I was standing next to. This was so hard for me that it became easier for me just to withdrawal from society as much as possible when I was a kid. I didn’t carry many friends since I didn’t want anyone to know my family and the horrors it contained and I knew if I didn’t understand the energies I was getting neither would anyone else. I was called a liar a lot when I was a kid. I saw things that would just pop into my head that made no sense.

It’s like taking a picture of something happening and flashing it in front of someone’s eyes for a couple of seconds and then asking them what it meant. Now put that to a child’s eyes or mind. Nothing of the sort was heard of or even admitted in my world. When I tried entrusting any of this to other kids, I was abandoned and made fun of. I had a whole world underneath myself that I didn’t understand and no one was there that could help me. I felt this weird connection to the “ghost” world when I saw stories on TV or when I walked on to certain properties with history. I got strong energies from those that I was close to or cared about and nine times out of ten, I could tell them what was going to happen before they even had it happen. Again, none of this made any sense to me or anyone I knew. So I stayed very hidden from social areas and family. I was the black sheep of the family either way I looked at it.

When I got into my teens, my energies got even stronger and finally I predicted a flat tire on my vehicle to my mother on the day and road it was going to happen. Finally, my mother looked at me and dropped her head. Then she spoke to me words I wish she would have said many years before. The conversations went something like this:

Mother & Daughter
Mother & Daughter (Photo credit: RACINGMIX)

“Baby girl, I was hoping this was going to pass and you wouldn’t have to go through this.”

Mom, what are you talking about? Go through what?”

“Let me guess, you just stuff without even trying to and you can’t control when you know it or see it?”

“Yes, I’ve been having this my whole life and I’ve tried to tell you this for years. Why is this a shock now?”

“It’s not a shock. I was just hoping it would pass and obviously it’s not going to”

“Ok, what’s wrong with me? What’s supposed to pass? How come I get these visions and feelings from nowhere?”

“I don’t know what it is or what it means. All I can tell you is I’ve had them my whole life as well, but I never understood them and I still don’t. I’m almost 50 years old and I’ve just started to realize how real this is as well and I can’t explain how it happens. I just know when it does, I am starting to pay attention to it and I have to come to the belief it’s God telling me something that I’m supposed to tell someone else or let them know.”

“Ok, so you are telling me, I’m some messenger of God? That doesn’t make any sense mother. I love you to death, but I think this is much different from that. This is so deep inside me that it’s almost my own experience whatever I see or feel. So let me get this straight, you’ve had this your whole life and I’ve been trying to tell you about this for how long? You called me a liar and all kinds of ridicule. Now I’m older and you finally admit to me that I’m not crazy!”

“I’m sorry baby girl! If I could take it all back I would. I was hoping you were just a kid being a kid and it would go away. I’m sorry! I don’t know how it’s going to be for you, but I’m almost 50 and it still happens to me. The only thing I can tell you is that it only gets worse and you have to figure out how you are going to deal with it. I pray to my God when it happens and ask him what I should do with it. Then I decide what I am going to do with these visions or feeling I get. You have to decide what you are going to do with them and how to handle them.”

So this was a hard hit when my mother finally told me I was part of this weird phenomenon of energies and visions that neither of us could control. I did come to the point of a self-realization I was going to find out what this was and why I was going through it. Not that I didn’t believe my loving dear mother, but I was a see believer and still am to this day. So I started my research and read web page after web page and pdf after pdf and found some lovely Wiccans that help me understand quite a bit and helped me finally feel normal for once in my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing the God’s messenger thing, but I must have things proven to me in every aspect I can find some type of proof. This research I did started to uncover quite a bit of verifiable proof about what was really going on with me.

As I got even older and fell into the wrong relationships left and right, I started seeing more and more visions and feeling more and more emotions; this time however I was feeling and seeing things of people who weren’t even in the same state as me. I was six states away from people and all of a sudden I got visions and emotions that made no sense to me. I did get to the point however that when I felt an energy, I would go through the different people in my life in my head and when I felt uncontrollable energies arise… I found out whom my energies were about. Boy was that a mistake! I caught people cheating on me, on my friends, family lies, and so many other things. I even saved a couple of lives without even trying again. I got to the point that whomever I was with, couldn’t keep a secret. As soon as they had thoughts of someone else or an experience with someone else past just chatting, if their emotions or imagine went with it… my energies flew… my visions soared… my trust broke.

Vision 2010 NUDE9561
Vision 2010 NUDE9561 (Photo credit: nudevinyl)

Now some would say, “Wow that’s awesome to know what is going on all the time!” Let me tell you it’s not if you don’t know what to do with it. You can’t just go around accusing people of things because you had some vision or feeling pop up. You can’t just look at someone without any proof and say … I saw you with her/him today and this is what you felt… why are you doing this to me? You have to sit and think deep to yourself whether this emotion or vision is real for one… then you have to think to yourself whether or not to do or say something about it… then you have to figure out how you are going to go about it.

It almost becomes a science so to speak. You end up having to play little head games with yourself to see if you trust yourself or them. You end up asking yourself a million questions to verify accountability of yourself or them. Then once you’ve planted that seed of distrust, you’ve opened a whole new can of worms without even trying to. More and more secrets are lying around between you two and before you know it… neither of you trust yourselves or each other. Big big mess… Then without proof … all you can see is that you were wrong in the first place. Wow, big issues now!

I’ve had this problem my whole life and it’s been so much of a struggle that I’ve torn myself up over it several times. I mean it did come in handy when I saved my husband’s life. It did come in handy when I knew my BFF at the time needed me and I sent as much positive and comforting energy her way as I could. It did come in handy when I saw and felt my husband cheat on me as much as he did. (Granted I didn’t believe myself) It did come in handy when I knew my kids were being falsely accused of things they didn’t do. So there were some good things that have come out of it in my life time. What was my biggest problem with it? I’m a help-a-holic big time! I do whatever I can when I can if I can to help whomever I can with whatever I can. Did you get all that? I will go and put myself out of house and home to help someone or something as long as I know way down deep that I made a positive impact for them. I’ve gone as far as having 8 people, 3 dogs, and 1 cat living in a 2 bedroom apartment without permission. I had 3 adults in one room, 3 kids in the other room and all animals and other adults in the “so called” living room.

So when people needed something or were hurting or I saw something was going to happen, I tried saving them. Sound a bit familiar? Messenger of God anyone? Well to top it off, I was also told in the churches that I had three gifts from God. I was to figure out the others on my own, but I was told Evangelism was one of them. Once again I will bring a quote to explain this:

“What is an evangelist? That’s a good question, because you might be one. And if you are called (even if it was long ago) to such a function in the Body of Christ, surely you want to fulfill that calling and maximize your potential for the one who fulfilled his calling and died for you. Our risen Lord Jesus was the Evangelist, as he was the ApostleProphetPastor, and Teacher, that is, he vividly exemplified each of these functions, and that is why he is now most capable of “diversifying himself” by mentoring believers like you in carrying them out.

What is an evangelist? That’s a good question even if you are not called to be one, because (a) you want to recognize those who are and benefit from their ministries, and (b) every Christian is called to proclaim the “Good News,” so we can all learn something about how to do that. And declaring the glad tidings of salvation is basically what being an evangelist, or “doing the work of an evangelist (2 Tim. 4:5),” is all about.”

This was taken from, http://www.truthortradition.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=145

English: Church of the Holy Mother of God, Bob...
English: Church of the Holy Mother of God, Boboshevo Български: Възрожденска църква “Света Богородица” – гр.Бобошево (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So in so many words… I was sent with the gift of saving people. Bringing them to God right? Well I did that very well. I was a leader in the church for a long time… that is… until people found out… I was gay… I had many people turn me down for several spiritual requests and guidance and all kinds of stuff after that. I wasn’t a follower of God. I couldn’t be if I was gay. I of course denied it just as badly as I did any of my gifts I was “given”. It wasn’t an easy road that’s for sure. So let’s get this straight… lesbian, evangelist, Native American, and an Empathic… yeah I didn’t have a long road of brick walls thrown at me or anything.

The real sad part was I didn’t have anyone to go to about any of it. I had no one to ask questions to or get answers from or even hint a bit of curiosity to these “things” I was given or made to become. I had no choice in any of them and each one was supposed to make me “special” in some way. Yeah right… were they kidding me? Each one was its own torture that piece by piece tore my life apart in some way until I had the ability to gain maturity and actually research each one to find its purpose or meaning in my life.

Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian p...
Though marketed to heterosexual men, lesbian pulp fiction provided an identity to isolated women in the 1950s. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let’s see… lesbian was unheard of… wrong… against the church and my family… not heard of in school or at least unspoken about… and if anyone thought in the slightest that you were…. You life just became a ball game that had all kinds of twisted rules. Surprise!!! You could never get ahead or become equal again!

English: St John the evangelist
English: St John the evangelist (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Evangelist… that was ok for a while… but then try to explain to people who weren’t apart of some religion or belief what that meant and why you were still normal. Again… yeah right!!! I got my share of disses, comments, cruel remarks, disbelief, and to top it off, abandonment. I did well for a while with this. I sang in the band of the teen counsel. I was even lead female singer. Yes, at one point… I could carry a tune and I did it well. I actually got many people to come to the “gatherings” by letting them hear me sing. The rest was up to them. I took part in the different church activities and pulled as many people my age that I could into it. Little did I know…. You can’t help or change whoever doesn’t want it. They can say all day long that they are saved or that they believe and that they will be “better” for themselves or society; however if they really don’t want to… there’s not a gift in the world that you may have… that’s going to change that.

English: Native American girl
English: Native American girl (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now being a Native American wouldn’t have been so bad, had I been taught the real ways of the natives. I was pretty much taught anyway you don’t believe in or any rule you don’t want to follow…. You make up your own and tell everyone it’s because you are Indian. Well, that didn’t go over as well as you can probably imagine. Not only did I have that hanging over my shoulder, but I also had extremely long black hair that I was not allowed to cut or anything without mother’s permission because I was Indian. Again I mean long hair as in I had to hold it up to sit down. I had to hold on to it in a crowd or it could take its own path and I would end up on my rear end. I’m sure every girl wanted to be me right?

Probably not! I was living in a heavy Mexican populated neighborhood. When kids found out I was Native American and not Mexican, I became a “wannabe” and many other colorful names. I got my hair cut in the hallways as I was standing or walking to a different class. I got my hair set on fire while being in class. I got stuff thrown or dropped in my hair at school various times when I was a kid. Being Indian was the biggest torture of the day when I went to school. So, I finally took a day and gave everyone scissors that made fun of me and sat down and told them to chop my hair.

Yes, I said that!! They couldn’t believe what I told them to do. After 20 minutes of having my hair destroyed, I had no real hair left… just remnant s of what used to be gorgeous hair. I will tell you what… they couldn’t make fun of my hair anymore… cause they were the ones that caused it. Hahaha!!! I had them… that is until the teacher drove me home and the one time mom had to be home instead of at the bar… she was not a happy camper… but I made my point!

Empathy Definition
Empathy Definition (Photo credit: That Girl Crystal)

So the best gift of all was now to learn and become and live… Empathy! After I finally conquered all the other issues one by one and figured out my own way of dealing with them, I got a hold of lots of literature and started to delve into being an Empathic. The only reason I can think of that this was such a problem… nobody believed me when I told them what I felt or saw. You are supposed to go to an adult and let them know things right? That was so full of @@#$ in my little world. Every time I tried to go to someone about something that “wasn’t right” to me… I was lying. So I got over that whole be honest thing real quick. That was at least until I got older and was able to use it to my advantage without being called a liar.

So now that I’m much older and I have step by step realized each of my gifts, I have taken these into consideration along with my childhood experiences every time my children come to be with “off the wall” things or experiences. I don’t call my children liars or ridicule them in any way with these things. I simply sit with an open ear and an open mind actively listening to every word their little mouths have to say. Now obviously not all of their words are complete honesty, but I feel when the right time or day comes they too will know that I’m here waiting for their questions as maturity and knowledge arises. I want them to feel very welcome to come to me about anything their little heart’s desire.

Opened arms
Opened arms (Photo credit: racineur)

Being in a few relationships now, I’ve learned to understand my gifts more and more. I have not actually upheld the evangelism part of me in a long time. I feel that part of me has moved on and as my mother always says, “there’s always room for improvement”. So I have let that part of me go. When and if it arises again and has meaning, I will take it on with both hands and an open mind accordingly, but until then… there’s always another day with another challenge or lesson to be learned.  So I’ve come to the point in my mind that it’s ok to study the visions that come to my head and it’s ok to actually allow the feelings to arise that I know aren’t mine. I’ve actually brought myself to the point of trying to individually learn each and every sense of mine that hits when these things occur so that they don’t overwhelm me as badly as they have in the past. Granted it’s torn some relationships as I’ve said before because I catch lies and cheating and then that’s it; however I really feel for the first time in my life…

I’m more connected and passionately honestly truly in love than I have ever been! I really feel that soul mates are real and when it’s meant to be… you will find each other. Notice I said feel… not believe… having a soul mate is not a belief… it’s a feeling. They say you will know when you find your one! The one that you were meant to be with! The one that will complete you in every way possible! The one that you can’t live without! The one that will make life’s entire journey worth every second, hour, day, month, year, or even moment!

"Soul Mates"
“Soul Mates” (Photo credit: Puzzler4879)
soul mate
A soul mate is someone you meet and the instant your eyes meet you feel these incredible feelings that you never knew existed.  They are so hard to explain but you feel them and you know they are unique and they feel the same way.  There is so many things that you feel but can’t describe because you have never felt like this before and if you think if you ever tried to explain these feelings to a friend you know they wouldn’t understand.  You can look into your soul mates eyes and see into their soul.  You can say I love you without even speaking a word.  When you hold their hand it is like your hands are one and you don’t know where one hand starts and the other begins.  A soul mate is someone who lights up your insides and gives you more than just a butterfly feeling by just hearing their voice, by reading a note, by just seeing them across the room.  And when you don’t get to talk or see them, your body feels like there is such a void that you don’t know what you would ever do without them.  You say the same things at the same time.  You laugh and cry at the same things.  They are the love of your life and your best friend.  You know you can say whatever is on your mind to them and they will listen.   Your soul mate completes you and you love them with every breath you take.  There is so much more but it is so hard to put into words because how your soul mate makes you feel is magical and unique.

This was taken from, http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=soulmate

So what do I do now with these gifts? I share them every day of my life with my family, friends, and of course my soul mate! I make sure everyone around me is aware of my “talents” and use complete honesty about them at all times. If I feel or see something, I let them know! I question instead of accuse. I keep an open mind about everything so that I don’t shut people out like I was as a child. I slowly but surely weave my life around all that I am with whomever I’m with or around.

My partner knows full well about my abilities and knows that at times I really can’t control what comes about. I have promised not to try to dig deep into her secrets, emotions, or life occurrences so that she can have stuff a part of me. I have done everything in my power to make sure this time that my abilities, gifts, or whatever you want to call them doesn’t come in-between me and people I care about ever again.

So have I finally accepted my gifts? Yeah, I guess you could say that. Have everyone else accepted them? Don’t think they have much of a choice. Scary part… you can’t hide much from me… I see, feel, and find out EVERYTHING!!!! (Without even trying)

Evil Grin
Evil Grin (Photo credit: Mr. Ducke)

Wow good thing you don’t have to put up with me…. Right????

5 thoughts on “So Am I an Empath or an Evangelist??

  1. Enjoyed reading this, very good stuff, regards . “To be positive To be mistaken at the top of one’s voice.” by Ambrose Bierce.

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  2. Thanks on your marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you will be a great author.I will always bookmark your blog and will come back down the road. I want to encourage yourself to continue your great work, have a nice weekend!

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