Why should I stop now?

English: Rainbow below photographer from Cairn...
English: Rainbow below photographer from Cairngorm car-park Rainbow visible below the horizon looking NW from Cairngorm ski-lift/railway car-park. Better in the flesh! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, well, well, some new issues have arrived. I got a butt load of problems coming for xmas and no time or money to take care of them. Thanks to EBAY… lol. I couldn’t help it! I made a promise to my partner that we would do our absolute best to give our kids the best Christmas ever! Both of us have been through some real hard times in our own unique histories and we both agreed that we have a clean slate as of our first day “together”. So coming on our first year Dec 8th is REAL exciting. It was kind of funny since last year my Christmas present just before midnight was my girl and her boy… so essentially I have my life partner and our three boys to be very thankful for!!

So here was our idea for a “kick ass” Christmas. We decided the big presents they get this year were going to be brand new bed sets with matching sheets. Then down the line, we understood that our little monsters are very quickly becoming BIG monsters before our very eyes. What better time to get new clothes than Dec 25th right? Right on… that big man in a red suit is really going to go out of his way this year. Well then I had a bright idea with all these purchases we’ve been making over 3 months to get a good Christmas, to put them in the boxes I got free through the mail for my “home business” that flopped. Do you see the same problem I see? LOL. It wouldn’t be obvious or anything that it didn’t come from Santa if they opened the presents and noticed the same UPS boxes that were in my room. I mean I have three boys of youngish ages, but even my 5-year-old shows me up with “thought processes” some days. LOL. Well, good thing I caught that idea before the light bulb actually burned itself out.

So then I decided to take advantage of these awesome package deals on EBAY for the kids’ clothes for xmas. Well it’s only been about 300 dollars later. That’s not including the bed sets, duvets, books, oh and no I have not gone out of my way for toys either. I figure with 2 grammas each, they ought to get plenty of toys from them. I know I’m mean. My partner on the other hand loves the idea of different toys she can get the boys. She’s got her mind-set already on candy for stockings, decorations for the house, and of course bundles of toys for the boys. What’s the best part about all of this? Neither of us have been one to be about money. We worry about bills first and we both know that it’s not how expensive the present is, it’s about the thought and likeness.

I’m good with all the festivities this year. It’s just been different for me this last year getting used to being with someone who like’s holidays for real, Loves to buy for the kids regardless if they will destroy it in a week, understands holidays are for families to gather and leave drama at the door, as well as understanding and supporting me on my actions or thought processes regardless of how brainless or pointless they may sound at the time. I’ve been with others that just weren’t into the holiday thing because they didn’t like this family member or remembered some other time that “sucked”. It’s nice to be with someone who can take things one day or moment at a time and just sit back and smile knowing that for that day or moment everything seems “just right”.

So, the now there’s other things that have come up now. I had to talk to the grandparents about Christmas ideas for my two boys. These are the bible pushing, God preaching, I spend 200 dollars a week on groceries for us two adults grandparents. I have no issue with the bible or church or God since that was my escape and savior when I was growing up. I just think it’s funny that they wanted to get my youngest a prayer-book that records who it’s from and now they feel that it wouldn’t be good for him because I’m in a “female relationship” as it was put. For the gift to mean anything and actually teach anything, the parents would have to be “connected” to God and teach constructively to the child on a regular basis what the prayers mean and a “true” relationship with God. That’s awesome!!!!  So let me get this straight, my kid can’t read a book for the enjoyment of the prayers because his parents haven’t had a “true” relationship with God. Where am I missing this? Something I’m misunderstanding by chance? I would hate to be judge of someone’s comments if that circumstance didn’t fit the emotional stance. So, we’ve pretty much decided on a talking chess board with magnetic pieces for my youngest… must not be any religious teaching needed there..

The next fun moment of my conversation with this wonderful bloodline of mine was even more intriguing. I have an older boy whom has had a real rough history. He’s been put through several types of abuse as a little one and witnessed many more. I was able to get him back about 5 years ago now. Unfortunately, not before his sperm donor was able to tear him apart physically, sexually, and emotionally. It has taken anywhere from meds to counseling, to art, to isolation, to complete restriction in some cases to bring this boy back around. However; with his dad (my paperwork marriage right now), my dad, and me… the boy has made a serious 360 degree turn around. He’s awesome in every way!!! He’s off his meds, out of counseling, out of special ED, off his restrictions, and many other delightful things.

Now, I know you’re wondering at this point… where’s the down side of this right? Well there is and isn’t one. Because of his history, my son has been a very confused child since I’ve gotten him. He’s never been real good at understanding “personal space”. The sad part is when he got in school the other older kids would take advantage of this. I fought it in every way!!! Don’t get me wrong!!! Unfortunately my wonderful beautiful boy thought it was great and took a while to tell me, so he got caught and blamed at just a young age and I was contacted. There have been several circumstances that have led to many conclusions that my oldest is “confused”, “special”, “a frog”, or many other framing words. I can’t deny in most cases, he does come off this way. I won’t push him toward being a “boy”. He hasn’t been one to get into boy activities and when he does, he clearly doesn’t belong there. He’s overly emotional, very feminine in his walk, eating, talking, running, dressing, writing, and well.. I’m sure you get the point. He’s been caught in close comfy quarters with boys (whom hate him for it). He’s trying so hard to be a “normal” boy; he’s actually throwing himself in a pool of “look at me”.

I refused to let him pierce his ear, wear a bright-colored Mohawk, wear colored socks, wear long beaded necklaces, and carry certain prized possessions with him in his pocket to school. I know what I went through as a kid and I’m doing everything I can to protect him from that and give him the correct social cues and tools to work through these crowds of judgment. I’m not trying to change him in any way and that’s important to me. My mother tried to change me so many times and completely tore me apart when I wasn’t what she wanted. I refuse to do it with my son. However; I do explain to him both sides of everybody’s argument, name calling, references of sexuality, and anything that comes up and give him the option of his own decisions and personality with just a touch of guidance.

So when I talked to my bloodline, I was updating him on my oldest and now he’s “definitely confused” because he’s witnessed me with a female and feels he’s supposed to be with a male. WHAT????? Are you freaking serious right now? So where does that leave me then? I never once saw two femalestogether growing up! I didn’t get confused and turn gay because I saw two women together!? Ok so back to my beautiful boy. . . I explained I don’t do that stuff in front of my kids and never have. I also clarified that I’ve talked with both my boys about everything and they are never to feel like “she’s mom” in any way if they don’t want to. I’m mom and I’m their only mom period! However; if they feel like she’s a mom to them and they want to call her mom then so be it. Now on the other end, I’m also told that being in a “female relationship” is probably uncomfortable for the boys and now they are acting out and scared to tell me. Ok, I know change can be scary but only if it’s not coached, or it’s hidden, or it’s not sat down and talked about for all parties to understand. I’ve always spoken honestly to my boys

. I don’t hide truth from my boys and I don’t play head games with my boys. I speak to them and trust them and love them exactly how I expect them to do for and with me. They know exactly what’s going on before it even goes down, because I always make sure it’s a family thing.

So now years later after my oldest has clearly turned around and done very well for himself, he’s confused because I’m with my partner. Awesome!!!! I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact his sperm donor f#$%#@ with his head, or the kids at school having so many frames to put him in, or maybe he’s just a feminine type of guy that is a tween who’s learning what being a REAL teenager is all about!!!! Oh wait… you know what? I just remembered something that might be a tad important… my bloodline male adult was never there when I was a kid. He didn’t raise me or take care of me. He was never around for becoming a “lady”. He wouldn’t know puberty if it was written on the first page of his bible he puts so much credit in. So I guess his little comment shouldn’t matter.

Well I did talk to my boy about this conversation and he laughed at me. He told me he likes all kinds of girls at school, but they will never give him the time of day because he’s “weird”. So he told me he thinks he will be this lonely little guy forever! I had to stop him in his tracks with tears running down my face. I had to hold him and make him realize he wasn’t weird. He’s unique and everyone is. I had to let him know that now is too young to be worried about “being lonely” forever. He needed to focus on his school work and worry about him now. Then one day when he least expects it, while he’s just being “himself” the right person will be there to take notice and like him for him. Wow where was that speech when I was a kid? My comfort was Captain Crunch and Shee-Raw. Wow, I’m old … lol.

Well, the next thing on the agenda? I decided to look into writing the book, novel, journal, autobiography, memoir, or whatever you want to call it that everyone has told me for years that I should write. I knew how much I was going to have to work with come tax time in a couple of months and figured it wouldn’t be hard to throw a down payment, then pay monthly and finish off at tax time. I wrote about 30 or professionals to query the possibility and find out what I was getting myself into. Wow!!! First off, if you’re a lesbian with a “coming out” story… you are already on hard to reach street or easy street. I’ve noticed a few things.

One, to get these really high up professionals you better be completely comfortable with them taking anywhere from 25,000 to 225,000 right off the top to even speak with you. Yep! That’s no problem! Not at all, I will just pull that right out of my ASS!!!! Ok, so they advertise the best and then charge monstrous just to talk to you, but wait… they can’t back up any of their work that would come close to what you are looking for. Turn off number two… they focus so much on the price that they don’t even care what the book is about.. They can make it a best seller with no problem… hmmm… ok I may be new at this… but I’m not completely stupid either. Just because someone puts a brand new paint job on a car from the used car lot and slaps a price sticker of 25,000 doesn’t make it any better than what it was before the paint job. Then they boast about their website and how professional it is. Really? I never noticed… I guess it’s real hard to get a professional looking website with words, pics, and links on it. Oh wait… no no I don’t think it is… since there’s several freebies all over and software’s that will do it for you under 200 bux.

The next thing I’ve noticed is those that don’t give a price to you. They want to hear about your story, details, characters, and talk to you on the phone for ½ hour for free so they can see if your book is worth their time. Ok, so let me get this straight: you want all my information, story line, ideas, characters, and I get a free ½ hour to tell you all this so you can let me know if it’s worth your time? Oh so if it’s not worth your time, then I gave all my information and details to a trusted source that won’t go make their own on it after offering me some ungodly price knowing I won’t take it anyway. Cool! I’m still a moron!

Now comes the more interesting offers of all. When the query is made, I mention the “out of the closet” aspect. I either get, “not my genre, good luck” or I get, “I know exactly what you’re talking about, my (sister, cousin, aunt, old teacher, or childhood best friend) was a lesbian so I would love to help you with your book. The most annoying thing in the world!!! That’s like when people find out I’m Native American and now we are family, because they have some (great-aunt, grandmother, or cousin) that was 1/4 Cherokee. Wow! Great for you!  So not to be rude, but how does your family member or friend being a lesbian or bi-curious put you in the right shoes to say you “understand” me? Just curious! Enlighten me if need be… I’m always open for conversation or for that matter… I love real good debate.

Now! The last type of professionals I’ve come across! So far here’s my favorite type. The price is stated period! The boundaries are stated period! Ok… now the questions and ideas fly for my book… about me… to me… for me… within my world… my ideas… my life… my story… for real? Someone is going to sit down and listen to me about my story and actually hear the details of my life and see the emotion relived through my eyes and gestures and put that combined with my writing in a book for others to see? You mean the type of professional who knows they are possibly being hired to do what I want? Write what I saw, felt, experienced, or whatever may have been the case in point? This feels amazing! This is a real emotional time for me and the person/professional I chose to help me with this project will be allowed into the private world of Lena Rai. The little details, stories, circumstances, secrets, and memories that hardly anyone if at all knows. Granted when the book gets written, edited, fine tuned, and hopefully published, everyone will know what’s needed to know to get the point across. However; the process of going through this is going to be hard, tough, challenging, emotional, real, somewhat defiant at times I’m sure and the person/professional I chose to be a part of that, has to have some type of feeling to me that they are capable of being on the level with an open heart and mind and no judgment.

Wow, I’m not asking for a lot or anything. My mother always said, “if you are going to do it, do it right the first time!” So here I am interviewing crazy and feeling like a picky employer. Lol. Everything in life is a process of growth for us as human beings or individuals. I’ve gone through many of these to say the least, but I really feel this may be one of the most challenging processes yet to come.

So here’s the last thing that has come up. Currently… working at a hotel (I may get some perks). One is getting a room cheap to free. Working at the front desk, I get to make the reservation and get the room I want. This of course has to go through the boss. I happened to have a year anniversary coming up very soon and of course I took advantage of this perk. As I have stated before, most people know about me here. There is one person I have not fully disclosed to however. My boss. It’s about to be full well-known and I have a strong feeling already may be. I was getting some strange looks, questions, and reactions lately after I made my reservation. I mentioned anniversary and it’s pretty obvious whom I’m with since she’s with me all the time and she’s all I talk about as, “my buddy”, “my girl”, or what have you. Now it all gets to come to light on Dec 8th. Everyone in the building gets to know for sure and I get to wonder in the back of my mind if that’s going to “matter” or not.

I get to wonder if these strange: looks, questions, or reactions lately are the result of a strong hinted realization, “she’s a lesbian” has come. Part of me worried about my job. Part of me says to have pride regardless. Part of me is wary of coming in to work now… just waiting for the actual question to come about.

Yah, I have my holiday work ahead of me! I know life isn’t supposed to be easy or no one would have their own problems in it. I also know that way down deep the only thing that should matter is what I think and feel, but we all know our friends, family, work, and environment can influence our actions and thoughts on many occasions whether we like it or not.

It will be interesting to see the coming events and how they play out. What will be my lesson of this day? What things will show through all of them as the important ones? What will it come down to when I have to make that personal decision of what really matters? What emotional status will I be at when reality hits and I see myself in a light I haven’t looked at for years?

I have to say this all brings me to my one moment of strength for my whole life!

“Some things are simple, and some things you make difficult for yourself!”

A road can only lead where you pave it to… whether you decide to dodge all the rocks and obstacles in between you and your destined path is up to you. You have to decide whether it’s worth the pain and struggling to find your way through those obstacles to move forward toward the path you’re trying to create. If not, then you can’t complain in the end that your path went a different direction.

I know I’m passionate and persistent and very well-known for being that as well as outspoken. In a sense I get what I want and always have. Being told, “No” my whole life only drove me stronger to show them the, “yes” that was there.

Why should I stop now?