Well I have this issue that keeps getting worse and worse. It’s funny how something that seems so simple to yourself can be so complicated to someone else. I love my lady very much and wouldn’t do anything to change what’s come about because it led to me have my three beautiful boys and my lady for life. I have noticed however it seems to be harder and harder to approve of myself giving any type of lovyz to my lady anywhere around work. I always have this heart beat getting faster and harder and faster and harder and before I know it… it seems as if I am pulling away not to get caught. I have no embarrassment being with her at all! I have no embarrassment of our relationship either! This is however not the problem. It comes down to the fact that if “caught” being who I am.. a lesbian.. than my boss can fire me with no questions asked.
Michigan doesn’t hold any responsibilities to employers and their prejudice against the LGBT community. I just happened to be apart of that. What really sucks about it… I get a real deep sick feeling every time I feel like I’m not allowing myself to be the real me in front of people. In fact there are only two people in my work zone anymore that even know I’m with a woman! How sad is that? Everyone else can sit back and chat to the worker mates about their kids, significant other, or any of the sort. I however have to be very careful what I say and how I say it when it comes to my home life.
Not that I want to play the sympathy card about my life and what I go through or tell the whole world my personal business, I’m extremely proud of where I’m at and what has become of me and my boys!! I love to talk about my happiness and family challenges just like other do. I can talk about my kids with no issue until the question comes about “dad”. Well then things get tricky and one thing I don’t believe in at all whatsoever is lying!!!! So obviously if someone wants to know and they ask the question correctly, I will answer. Thankfully my manager has not asked the right question and I hope he never does. Cause I am afraid of his reaction to my life.
The subject did come about one day and the question was asked if she was a real good friend that I counted on and where was the kids’ dad. So I answered honestly and said, “yes she is a real good friend and the dad is gone with his girlfriend”. I was honest! I just didn’t get the right question asked to go any further with it. I do hope to find the heart to be completely out without fear of losing my job.
I usually look around real good when I’m getting dropped off for work. Then I slowly move in for my lovyz. Whilst I’m getting my lovyz I’m trying not to have in the back of my head that somewhere someone could be watching me and then I could get a guest complaint or worse.. get caught by the manager. Isn’t that sad? I so think that’s real sad. Who knew I’d still feel like a guilty teenager at my age.
The interesting thing is .. the queezy uncomfortable part of me is only there when I’m in or around work. I mean even if I’m not on the clock, I fear for my job if they were to find out about me and seems to feel like my secret life. Sad .. sad.. sad.. I know. What am I supposed to do though? It’s definitely annoying and hurts way down deep every time I hide or feel like I am hiding from doing something wrong that is so perfectly real and natural every time I do it.
It’s so sad that our world is so close minded and mean and misunderstood toward things they don’t see eye to eye with. I didn’t just wake up one day and say, “you know I think I’m going to be gay from now on!” It’s not that easy and it’s frustrating when people seem to think it is. I was 7 years old when I figured out I was different. Yes, I said 7! I was hiding then and I’m hiding now! Granted I’m going on my first year with my lady and I’ve never been happier!!! If marriage in the LGBT community of Michigan was legal, I would be very intrigued to go and take a vow with my lovely lady! I know our commitment to each other along with our honesty, love, understanding, support, and compassion is far more important and real than any piece of paper to say differently. One day I will get the guts to take the in-laws aside and swallow my pride letting out my feelings and ask if I can take their daughter as my lady for life. I don’t expect this is going to come too soon. I feel I would get hurt by the response, but only cause I’m a mother myself and I know how it is to allow someone to complete that child’s life outside of what you can do. I feel I would be made fun of, laughed at, anger them, or worse they may stop talking to their daughter for it. Scary stuff!!
So the pitter-patter in my heart that fights the thought process of my brain is always a reining champ when it comes to my reaction of getting my lovyz from my lady. It is a constant battle and I’m sure will remain a constant battle until the coast is clear to be real in front of everyone. I know it shouldn’t matter, but in our world today it does.. cause I don’t want or need to lose my job and if that means to keep on the dl and keep red tape at the scene.. then by golly I will choke down my pride and pocket my guilt and of course go to work!
It’s very hard to not react in front of people when they assume what’s not to be assumed, but then it comes down to the next important fact.. IT SHOULDN’T MATTER EITHER!!!!
- Realise Blood Isn’t Thicker Than Water (howdoesitfeeltobe.com)
- Castro adviser made LGBT liaison (mysanantonio.com)
- Retirement getting less scary for gay boomers (cnn.com)
- Excerpts of a Broken Heat-Helping Others Deal With Grief (paintedmacaroni.wordpress.com)
- The Most Tragic Love Story (evilnymphstuff.wordpress.com)